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up my existence that has nothing to do with Mom.

Chana: How do you feel?

Linda: Pretty good, actually. Cause here I am, and I saw before that Mom does love me in all sorts of ways. Even when she doesn’t, I keep existing. It’s nice if she loves me, but I can be okay without it.

Chana: What does that mean?

Linda: It feels less desperate. I get it now: she could not love me, and it would be okay. I bet there are times that I drive her nuts with my theater obsession or crazy boyfriends and she doesn’t feel so loving then. And I’m okay. If I’m honest with myself, the world doesn’t come crashing down.

Chana: And what about your mom?

Linda: She’s doing her thing, and I’m doing mine.

Chana: How do you feel?

Linda: Good, actually. I don’t need her to love me, but I can choose to take in the love that she does give me. I like that. I feel warm inside.

Linda might have wanted to erase the thought that her mother doesn’t love her and live in the place of no-thought, but it wouldn’t have been realistic for her to do so. Aristotle said, “Nature abhors a vacuum,” and the human mind is quite similar. For Linda to live without her original belief, she first needed to learn from it by replacing it with others that would build her compassion, self-acceptance, and happiness.

Rooted in Linda’s discomfort was the belief that she needed her mother’s love. This neediness caused her to panic because, subconsciously, she was aware of the fact that human affection is not static and that her mother wouldn’t live forever. The greatest Lesson From Her Opponent - my mother doesn’t love me - was the realization that she was just fine with or without her mother’s love. She freed herself to enjoy whatever love came her way.

Glean Lessons From Your Opponent when you want break the painful shackles created by untrue thinking. The opposites of the beliefs causing your distress will teach you how to live in integrity with your values.

Action Superhero

A person who lives out the understanding that our thinking is cemented by our actions as much as our actions are the results of beliefs.

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Do you want to know who you are? Don’t ask! Actions will delineate and define you.

—Thomas Jefferson

Our beliefs are the products of neural networks strengthened through repetition, evidence, and reinforcing behavior. Let’s say toddler Johnny, while learning to walk, hears, “How clumsy” every time he falls over. That repetition may ingrain the belief that he’s clumsy, and he’ll interpret each misstep going forward through that lens and use it as further evidence of his clumsiness. Through the years, the neural connections around the belief become thicker and stronger, further encouraging him to leap to “I’m clumsy” whenever he’s looking to understand a situation in which his body doesn’t function perfectly.

What fully cements the belief in Johnny’s mind is Action. Perhaps he won’t try out for soccer when he’s nice, or he’ll hesitate to learn how to cook because he’s scared to handle dangerous utensils in the kitchen. He wants to believe his behavior is justified, so he’ll further reinforce the idea that he’s clumsy with other supporting thoughts like “I’m not coordinated,” “I’ve never been good at sports,” or “Cooking is not my thing.” Action has the dual effect of strengthening the original neural connections and building a web of beliefs around them, a veritable Tower of Babble.

Offering at least three pieces of evidence holding up a turnaround strengthens a new neural pathway, and the more we support this alternative perspective, the more ingrained it will become. After we’ve completed an Inquiry, we can search daily for more evidence. Johnny can reinforce the turnaround, “I’m not clumsy,” by noting all the things he does effectively each day, like drive his car to work, eat without spilling his food, and fold his clothes into neat piles. He can also take Action by trying out for sports and cooking dinner. Johnny can also create a Tower of Benefit to support his new understanding with thoughts such as, “Sports involve a lot of trial and error,” “No one gets the ball in the goal every time.”

In Lessons From Your Opponent, Linda was dealing with the belief that her mother didn’t love her. Her fourth turnaround, “I don’t love me,” proved particularly insightful.

Chana: Can you tell me some ways you haven’t been very loving towards yourself ?

Linda: Well… I love bubble baths, but I take one maybe once a year. I’m often exhausted by 10pm but will keep myself up another hour folding laundry or something. And… I never wear the jewelry Mom’s given me. It’s shoved it in a drawer somewhere. It’s actually quite pretty.

Chana: How do you feel when you aren’t loving yourself ?

Linda: It really hurts. I blame my mom for not loving me, but even when she gives me love, I come up with some story about how she’s just trying to manipulate me. That’s so sad.

Chana: So how would you like to treat yourself ?

Linda: Lovingly. I want to love myself.

Chana: What is some Action that you can take to get that going?

Linda: First off, I can take a bath tonight instead of a shower. If I don’t watch that stupid cop show, I can easily make the time. I can do that every week. Wow.

Chana: Why did you say, “Wow?”

Linda: I feel good. I thought getting love would be so difficult, that I’d have to work hard for it, but taking a bath is so easy, and it goes a long way.

Chana: What else would you like to do?

Linda: Go to bed earlier. But how?

Chana: How do you think?

Linda: This is embarrassing. My kids are teens already. They can fold their own laundry and prep their own lunches for school. I guess if they did that they’d be loving me more. And probably loving themselves more because they’d get to pick what they eat rather than nag me about what they don’t like.

Chana: Why’d you smile?

Linda: This is great. I’m doing less and feeling better. It’s revolutionary! Okay. What else can I do?

Chana: What’s your answer to your question?

Linda: I can wear Mom’s jewelry. The few times I’ve worn a piece, I’ve gotten tons of compliments on it. Just imagining myself wearing the pearl necklace she got me for my 30th feels good. It’s like I’d be enveloped by her love all day. Hmm.

Chana: Why did you say that?

Linda: It just occurred to me how much time and thought and effort Mom probably puts into buying me gifts. I bet every year she tries even harder, hoping that this time, I’ll be happy with what she gives me. Another thing I can do is wear them, thank her, and tell her about the compliments I get. I bet she’d feel loved by that, too.

Chana: I’d like you to close your eyes and imagine it’s tomorrow. Your kids are now responsible for their laundry and school lunches, you’ve taken a long bubble bath, and you’re wearing the pearl necklace. How do you feel?

Linda: I feel warm inside, full of light, excited for the day. The biggest thing is that I feel grateful for the people in my life. It’s good.

Chana: What thoughts, if any, come to you?

Linda: It’s not a thought so much, more a feeling. I feel warm and just… good inside. I feel loving. I like everyone more. Life is okay; I’m okay. If I could put it into words, it would be, “I love you.”

As a product of engaging in loving behaviors, Linda created a Tower of Benefit filled with thoughts of love and acceptance. Becoming an Action Superhero shaped how she saw herself and the world around her. Jefferson says we’re defined by Action because we not only judge others by what they do, we assess our character, capabilities, and motives by our Actions. Building support for our beliefs is a great start, but what brings lasting peace and joy is acting in alignment with the truth.

You are an Action Superhero when you integrate the lessons that turnarounds teach you. Acting upon those lessons hammers them home and makes you a more honest, compassionate, and value-driven human being.

Download an Action Superhero worksheet from the Free Bonus Section of my website:

Hold.ChanaMason.com/bonus.

Afterword

Inquiry is a continuous process of exploring the thoughts that drive our feelings, physiology, and actions. The more time we allow ourselves to peel back the layers of unconscious beliefs, the more happy, peaceful, and loving our world will be.

I hope the tools this book help you in your healing process and assist you in helping others find their joy. I would love to hear about your experience using these tools or any tools you’ve collected yourself ! Please drop me a line or two or twenty at chanamason@gmail.com.

I’d also like to take the time here to thank those who have been so monumental in my journey. Thanks to Joan and Chaya for deep soul healing. To Noga, Miriam, Batsheva, Nava, Leah, Chaya, Malta Sima, and Ayo for being my partners in crime. To Shimi, for your top-notch guidance. To Kaley and Rebecca for your feedback and sisterhood. To my clients (you know who you are) for blossoming so beautifully before my eyes and for mirroring the lessons I need to learn. To the Holy One, for blessing my life even when I’m not grateful. And to Dave and Aryeh Lev for your endless patience, love, and confidence.

Bibliography

Byron Katie offers many resources, from recordings of dozens of dialogues to worksheets, books, and live courses on her website TheWork.com.

Noga Hullman is a close friend and mentor. She first introduced me to Byron Katie and has been an enormous resource of ideas and support with this book. She helps mothers find peace of mind and personal growth in every parenting situation. Check her out at NogaHullman.com

Eckhart Tolle’s books and talks have the elegant power to elevate your consciousness just by being in the presence of his words. You can find lectures, books, and other resources at www.eckharttolle.com.

Sydney Banks is a Scottish philosopher who created a process of disentanglement with our erroneous thinking called The Three Principles. Watch and learn at SydBanks.com.

T Harv Eker’s book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind helps people rework their thinking around money and success.

Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is often referenced in my home when we’re considering how we want to treat each other and engage with the world at large.

Barry Neil Kaufman’s Option Process requires a bit of work to learn but is well worth it. Reading To Love is to Be Happy With is a great place to start. To get a taste of his dialogues, I recommend reading Giant Steps, which you can find on his website Option.org.

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