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Published by Blink Publishing

3.08, The Plaza,

535 Kings Road,

Chelsea Harbour,

London, SW10 0SZ




Hardback – 978-1-911-600-46-6

Trade paperback – 978-1-911-600-49-7

Ebook – 978-1-911-600-50-3

All rights reserved. No part of the publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, transmitted or circulated in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without prior permission in writing of the publisher.

A CIP catalogue of this book is available from the British Library.

Copyright © Scarlett Moffatt, 2017

All photos courtesy of the author unless otherwise specified

All illustrations © Shutterstock

Scarlett Moffatt has asserted her moral right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

Every reasonable effort has been made to trace copyright holders of material reproduced in this book, but if any have been inadvertently overlooked the publishers would be glad to hear from them.

Blink Publishing is an imprint of the Bonnier Publishing Group


To my mam and dad (for all your love and support), to

Ava (for making me laugh everyday), to my auntie Kirsty,

nanny and pappy (for always being there and for all

those sleepovers where I got to watch Carry On movies as

a kid), and to the future generation of the family parties

Joshua and Noah xx


Introduction: Sofa, So Good!

1. Everyone Starts Out as an Arsehole

2. How Is Evaporated Milk There if it’s Already Evaporated?

3. If You Like Piña Coladas and Getting Caught in the Rain

4. Strictly Scarlett

5. Bikes and Bells

6. Do You Want to Go to the Prom with Me?

7. Quarter Litre of Vodka and a Blue Panda Pop, Please

8. Dad Said I’m His Favourite, Sorry

9. Do You Need a Bag with That?

10. Irony: Getting Burgled Dressed as a Burglar

11. Those Dark Dole Days

12. ‘You Want Me to Watch the TV for a Living?’

13. Scarlett Mo’fat to Scarlett No’fat

14. Let’s Get Ready to Jungle

15. I’m Not Quite a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!

16. And the New Queen of the Jungle

17. Christmas Time, Cold Mashed Potato and Wine

18. London and its Smashed Avocado

19. Saturday Night Takeaway (Mine’s a Chicken Kebab)

20. By Guv’nor It’s Mary Bleeding Poppins

21. The Time I Watched Jeremy Kyle with Kevin Bacon

22. That’s a Streetmate

23. Cross my Palm with Silver

Epilogue: The Young Girl and Her Plaits Fable



Top customer reviews

Love the book. Love the girl.

By Elisabeth Moffatt

Format: Hardback | Verified Purchase

Absolutely loved this book from start to finish – it made me laugh out loud. And I’m shocked at just how truthful Scarlett has been. Some very emotional pages which I must admit brought a tear to my eye. An added note: Scarlett’s mother sounds like a hoot. 10/10!

My sister is a LEGEND!

By Ava Moffatt

Format: Hardback | Verified Purchase

Eleven out of ten. Best book I’ve ever read! I loved reading it, I feel like I almost know Scarlett lol.

One word: canny.

By Mark Moffatt

Format: Hardback | Verified Purchase

Could not put this book down. Read it in a day.

Nice one kid.


Sofa, So Good!

Ant always stands on the left and Dec on the right. They call it the 180-degree rule.

Over its lifespan, your sofa will be witness to roughly 293 arguments and 1,369 cuddles.

We find on average £1.80 hidden in our sofas every month. That equates to nearly £180 over the sofa’s lifetime (champion: that’ll buy 211 sausage rolls from Gregg’s).

As I stand there shaking like a shitting dog and smelling of mealworms, I clench Joel Dommett’s hand. Ant and Dec are about to announce who has won I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here! And to be perfectly honest I have no idea how I even made it onto the show, never mind made the final two.

I was all ready to say, ‘Well done Joel, mate, you’ve done it, you’ve won!’ But when Dec announced, ‘And the new … Queen of the Jungle is …’, it actually took me brain at least five seconds to process what the words actually meant. ‘Queen? Hang on, that must mean I have won, because, well, Joel has a penis and the Queen doesn’t have a penis.’

I could barely contain my emotions as I was ushered to the throne by Geordie royalty Ant and Dec. Wow! The show I had watched since I was eleven years old, the show that for the past two years people had watched me watch on Gogglebox. Nothing felt real as I was crowned the Queen of the Jungle.

Being on the I’m a Celeb throne is my most celebrated sit thus far. This book tells me life story through a whole series of seats. I’m always happiest sitting down. I think there is nothing better than simply sitting around with your family. The comfort and security of the family sofa is where you can truly be yourself, where you can sob your heart out and not be judged, where you can laugh so hard your belly aches.

We all love being a couch potato watching the television from time to time and I personally see it as a hobby. If you want to get into the technicalities of it, I know you’re not physically doing much, but your eyes are getting a good workout, aren’t they? I mean, really you’re practically doing bicep curls – reaching into the packet of crisps, bringing them up to your mouth and repeat. Your legs get some exercise too, as you’ve got to do a Usain Bolt to the kitchen and make a brew during the ad breaks.

We also all

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