Arms and the Man George Bernard Shaw (epub e ink reader .TXT) š
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the soul of a servant, Nicola.
Nicola
Complacently. Yes: thatās the secret of success in service.
A loud knocking with a whip handle on a wooden door, outside on the left, is heard.
Male voice outside
Hallo! Hallo there! Nicola!
Louka
Master! back from the war!
Nicola
Quickly. My word for it, Louka, the warās over. Off with you and get some fresh coffee. He runs out into the stable yard.
Louka
As she puts the coffee pot and the cups upon the tray, and carries it into the house. Youāll never put the soul of a servant into me.
Major Petkoff comes from the stable yard, followed by Nicola. He is a cheerful, excitable, insignificant, unpolished man of about 50, naturally unambitious except as to his income and his importance in local society, but just now greatly pleased with the military rank which the war has thrust on him as a man of consequence in his town. The fever of plucky patriotism which the Serbian attack roused in all the Bulgarians has pulled him through the war; but he is obviously glad to be home again.
Petkoff
Pointing to the table with his whip. Breakfast out here, eh?
Nicola
Yes, sir. The mistress and Miss Raina have just gone in.
Petkoff
Fitting down and taking a roll. Go in and say Iāve come; and get me some fresh coffee.
Nicola
Itās coming, sir. He goes to the house door. Louka, with fresh coffee, a clean cup, and a brandy bottle on her tray meets him. Have you told the mistress?
Louka
Yes: sheās coming.
Nicola goes into the house. Louka brings the coffee to the table.
Petkoff
Well, the Serbians havenāt run away with you, have they?
Louka
No, sir.
Petkoff
Thatās right. Have you brought me some cognac?
Louka
Putting the bottle on the table. Here, sir.
Petkoff
Thatās right. He pours some into his coffee.
Catherine who has at this early hour made only a very perfunctory toilet, and wears a Bulgarian apron over a once brilliant, but now half worn out red dressing gown, and a colored handkerchief tied over her thick black hair, with Turkish slippers on her bare feet, comes from the house, looking astonishingly handsome and stately under all the circumstances. Louka goes into the house.
Catherine
My dear Paul, what a surprise for us. She stoops over the back of his chair to kiss him. Have they brought you fresh coffee?
Petkoff
Yes, Loukaās been looking after me. The warās over. The treaty was signed three days ago at Bucharest; and the decree for our army to demobilize was issued yesterday.
Catherine
Springing erect, with flashing eyes. The war over! Paul: have you let the Austrians force you to make peace?
Petkoff
Submissively. My dear: they didnāt consult me. What could I do? She sits down and turns away from him. But of course we saw to it that the treaty was an honorable one. It declares peaceā ā
Catherine
Outraged. Peace!
Petkoff
Appeasing her.ā ābut not friendly relations: remember that. They wanted to put that in; but I insisted on its being struck out. What more could I do?
Catherine
You could have annexed Serbia and made Prince Alexander Emperor of the Balkans. Thatās what I would have done.
Petkoff
I donāt doubt it in the least, my dear. But I should have had to subdue the whole Austrian Empire first; and that would have kept me too long away from you. I missed you greatly.
Catherine
Relenting. Ah! Stretches her hand affectionately across the table to squeeze his.
Petkoff
And how have you been, my dear?
Catherine
Oh, my usual sore throats, thatās all.
Petkoff
With conviction. That comes from washing your neck every day. Iāve often told you so.
Catherine
Nonsense, Paul!
Petkoff
Over his coffee and cigarette. I donāt believe in going too far with these modern customs. All this washing canāt be good for the health: itās not natural. There was an Englishman at Phillipopolis who used to wet himself all over with cold water every morning when he got up. Disgusting! It all comes from the English: their climate makes them so dirty that they have to be perpetually washing themselves. Look at my father: he never had a bath in his life; and he lived to be ninety-eight, the healthiest man in Bulgaria. I donāt mind a good wash once a week to keep up my position; but once a day is carrying the thing to a ridiculous extreme.
Catherine
You are a barbarian at heart still, Paul. I hope you behaved yourself before all those Russian officers.
Petkoff
I did my best. I took care to let them know that we had a library.
Catherine
Ah; but you didnāt tell them that we have an electric bell in it? I have had one put up.
Petkoff
Whatās an electric bell?
Catherine
You touch a button; something tinkles in the kitchen; and then Nicola comes up.
Petkoff
Why not shout for him?
Catherine
Civilized people never shout for their servants. Iāve learnt that while you were away.
Petkoff
Well, Iāll tell you something Iāve learnt, too. Civilized people donāt hang out their washing to dry where visitors can see it; so youād better have all that indicating the clothes on the bushes put somewhere else.
Catherine
Oh, thatās absurd, Paul: I donāt believe really refined people notice such things.
Someone is heard knocking at the stable gates.
Petkoff
Thereās Sergius. Shouting. Hallo, Nicola!
Catherine
Oh, donāt shout, Paul: it really isnāt nice.
Petkoff
Bosh! He shouts louder than before. Nicola!
Nicola
Appearing at the house door. Yes, sir.
Petkoff
If that is Major Saranoff, bring him round this way. He pronounces the name with the stress on the second syllableā āSarah-noff.
Nicola
Yes, sir. He goes into the stable yard.
Petkoff
You must talk to him, my dear, until Raina takes him off our hands. He bores my life out about our not promoting himā āover my head, mind you.
Catherine
He certainly ought to be promoted when he marries Raina. Besides, the
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