Mister West R.J. Lewis (macos ebook reader txt) 📖

I wait for him to talk, to agree to this because I know deep down I have to do this.

He lets out a sigh, looking down at his feet with pinched brows.

“I don’t want to live a life without you in it, Ivy,” he says quietly. “I want you desperately. If…being here means you get to heal and I’m not in the way of that, I will go.” He swallows thickly. “But…I want to know before I leave that you’re not going to forget about me. That you’re going to wait for me. I want you to fall in love with me, Ivy, the right way.”

“Loving you isn’t a problem,” I express, blinking rapidly to fight the tears. “It happened so naturally, Aidan. What I didn’t expect was the pain that came with opening myself. I have a shadow, too, and it’s big and heavy, and I need to confront it before we can go forward.”

He listens to me patiently and nods once, looking morose. But he’s accepting. He’s understanding. Then he glances around the apartment. “Are you going to be comfortable here?” he asks, flatly.

“I am,” I tell him.

He walks around, passing Ana who’s been standing out front of my door the entire time, chewing on her nail. Aidan pokes his head into the spare bedroom, and I know he doesn’t like what he sees because his nostrils flare and he looks pissed, but he doesn’t say a word. He just blinks hard and returns to the entrance way, hands in the pockets of his grey suit pants.

He never looks like he just belongs, does he? He’s always too big, too dominating, too fucking intense. A part of me doesn’t want this to happen. It’s screaming at me now to hold on to him and go back, but that’s the duality of me. If I go back, I’ll fight myself to have more space. I need to figure myself out. I don’t want to be a yo-yo in his life.

“I’ll find you someone to talk to,” he then tells me, voice detached. “Someone good. I won’t…I won’t reach out if that’s not what you want –”

“I don’t mind the messages,” I quickly say. “I want us to still communicate.”

He won’t look at me now. “I’ll have someone reach out to you. You’ll take it at your own pace, Ivy. Take all the time you need.”

He’s shutting down. I try to come near to him, but he steps away, adamant to keep a distance from me. I know he’s protecting himself again. The next time he glances at me, he’s cool, his emotions are shut off. He’s coming to terms with this.

I hate seeing the change in him. It’s alarming how quickly he shut himself off and embraced the numbness.

I study him, breathing slowly. “Maybe you need to heal too, Aidan.”

“What I need to heal from, Ivy, is the whiplash that’s going to come of this,” he says coldly, flexing his jaw now as he thinks. “I’m struggling to catch up, and I’m feeling really resentful thinking I could trust you with my heart, however small and cold it was when I gave it to you.”

A tear escapes my eye. “I’m sorry.”

“I know you are,” he says, irritably. “Which is why this is so fucking difficult. I’m angry, alone, and putting on my mask because it’s all I fucking know. Which means, Miss Montcalm, I’m back to square one.” He inhales sharply. “But that’s okay, it’s what I know best, and should you not want me when all this is done, it’ll hurt like a motherfucker, but I think…I think I will endure. So long as you're happy.”

I suck in a breath as another tear falls. His sudden coldness pains me. “I’ve broken your heart, haven’t I?”

His face is clear of emotion. He glances down at his watch, not answering my question. His chest moves slowly, his mouth parts. Another look of pain pokes out from under that cool mask before he hides it again.

He steps back, shoulders falling. “I can't... I need to go now, Ivy,” he says in a rush. “Take care of yourself.”

He hurries out of the apartment without looking back.

The Messenger

A.W.: How are you, Ivy?

Ivy: I’m good, Aidan. How are you?

A.W.: I’m good. Missing you.

Ivy: I miss you, too.

A.W.: It’s been the longest four weeks of my life.

Ivy: Of mine too.

*

A.W.: Good morning, Ivy. I hope you have a good day.

Ivy: Thanks, Aidan. I hope you have a good day too.

A.W.: What are your plans? I understand the therapist reached out to you a while back. How’s that going?

Ivy: Yes, I have had a few sessions with her, but haven’t really said anything yet. She said that’s normal, though. I’m feeling hopeful. I do feel like it’s time I talk.

A.W.: It is normal. I’m really glad to hear you’re going through with this. I want nothing but the best for you, Ivy.

*

A.W.: Really fucking missing you, Ivy. I’m not doing too well.

Ivy: I’m feeling it, too.

A.W.: I keep thinking I could have done things differently. I shouldn’t have let you go.

Ivy: I’m still here.

A.W.: You’re here but I can’t see you. You’re here and yet you feel so far away.

A.W.: I’m hurting, Ivy.

A.W.: I want you back. I want you back so badly.

*

Ivy: How have you been?

A.W.: I’m alright. You?

Ivy: I’m alright, too.

*

Ivy: You’re quiet. Haven’t heard from you in days. Everything okay?

*

Ivy: I’m thinking about you, Aidan, been doing better. Slowly getting there. I’ve started to open up during my sessions and it feels good to talk about things.

*

Ivy: Really hating the quiet. Really struggling not hearing from you, Aidan.

*

Ivy: Ana says you’ve been in the news, so I know you’re kicking around still and that makes me feel better, but I just need to know you don’t hate me because the silence is fucking me up and making me think you do.

Ivy: I’m sorry, Aidan.

*

Ivy: I went to your apartment. Yeah, there was a blizzard today, but that didn’t stop me. I think