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if you don’t like it, we’ll find another! For the moment though, we’ll call the characters in this way: To Juvenile Lead. You are the Son; To the Leading Lady. You naturally are the Step-Daughter. The Step-Daughter Excitedly. What? what? I, that woman there? Bursts out laughing. The Manager Angry. What is there to laugh at? Leading Lady Indignant. Nobody has ever dared to laugh at me. I insist on being treated with respect; otherwise I go away. The Step-Daughter No, no, excuse me⁠ ⁠… I am not laughing at you.⁠ ⁠… The Manager To The Step-Daughter. You ought to feel honoured to be played by.⁠ ⁠… Leading Lady At once, contemptuously. “That woman there.”⁠ ⁠… The Step-Daughter But I wasn’t speaking of you, you know. I was speaking of myself⁠—whom I can’t see at all in you! That is all. I don’t know⁠ ⁠… but⁠ ⁠… you⁠ ⁠… aren’t in the least like me.⁠ ⁠… The Father True. Here’s the point. Look here, sir, our temperaments, our souls.⁠ ⁠… The Manager Temperament, soul, be hanged! Do you suppose the spirit of the piece is in you? Nothing of the kind! The Father What, haven’t we our own temperaments, our own souls? The Manager Not at all. Your soul or whatever you like to call it takes shape here. The actors give body and form to it, voice and gesture. And my actors⁠—I may tell you⁠—have given expression to much more lofty material than this little drama of yours, which may or may not hold up on the stage. But if it does, the merit of it, believe me, will be due to my actors. The Father I don’t dare contradict you, sir; but, believe me, it is a terrible suffering for us who are as we are, with these bodies of ours, these features to see.⁠ ⁠… The Manager Cutting him short and out of patience. Good heavens! The makeup will remedy all that, man, the makeup.⁠ ⁠… The Father Maybe. But the voice, the gestures.⁠ ⁠… The Manager Now, look here! On the stage, you as yourself, cannot exist. The actor here acts you, and that’s an end to it! The Father I understand. And now I think I see why our author who conceived us as we are, all alive, didn’t want to put us on the stage after all. I haven’t the least desire to offend your actors. Far from it! But when I think that I am to be acted by⁠ ⁠… I don’t know by whom.⁠ ⁠… Leading Man On his dignity. By me, if you’ve no objection! The Father Humbly, mellifluously. Honoured, I assure you, sir. Bows. Still, I must say that try as this gentleman may, with all his good will and wonderful art, to absorb me into himself.⁠ ⁠… Leading Man Oh chuck it! “Wonderful art!” Withdraw that, please! The Father The performance he will give, even doing his best with makeup to look like me.⁠ ⁠… Leading Man It will certainly be a bit difficult! The Actors laugh. The Father Exactly! It will be difficult to act me as I really am. The effect will be rather⁠—apart from the makeup⁠—according as to how he supposes I am, as he senses me⁠—if he does sense me⁠—and not as I inside of myself feel myself to be. It seems to me then that account should be taken of this by everyone whose duty it may become to criticize us.⁠ ⁠… The Manager Heavens! The man’s starting to think about the critics now! Let them say what they like. It’s up to us to put on the play if we can. Looking around. Come on! come on! Is the stage set? To the Actors and Characters. Stand back⁠—stand back! Let me see, and don’t let’s lose any more time! To The Step-Daughter. Is it all right as it is now? The Step-Daughter Well, to tell the truth, I don’t recognize the scene. The Manager My dear lady, you can’t possibly suppose that we can construct that shop of Madame Pace piece by piece here? To The Father. You said a white room with flowered wallpaper, didn’t you? The Father Yes. The Manager Well then. We’ve got the furniture right more or less. Bring that little table a bit further forward. The Stage Hands obey the order. To Property Man. You go and find an envelope, if possible, a pale blue one; and give it to that gentleman. Indicates The Father. Property Man An ordinary envelope? The Manager and The Father Yes, yes, an ordinary envelope. Property Man At once, sir. Exit. The Manager Ready, everyone! First scene⁠—the Young Lady. The Leading Lady comes forward. No, no, you must wait. I meant her. Indicating The Step-Daughter. You just watch⁠— The Step-Daughter Adding at once. How I shall play it, how I shall live it!⁠ ⁠… Leading Lady Offended. I shall live it also, you may be sure, as soon as I begin! The Manager With his hands to his head. Ladies and gentlemen, if you please! No more useless discussions! Scene I: the young lady with Madame Pace: Oh! Looks around as if lost. And this Madame Pace, where is she? The Father She isn’t with us, sir. The Manager Then what the devil’s to be done? The Father But she is alive too. The Manager Yes, but where is she? The Father One minute. Let me speak! Turning to the Actresses. If these ladies would be so good as to give me their hats for a moment.⁠ ⁠… The Actresses Half surprised, half laughing, in chorus. What? Why? Our hats? What does he say? The Manager What are you going to do with the ladies’ hats? The Actors laugh. The Father Oh nothing. I just want to put them on these pegs for a moment. And one of the ladies will be so kind as to take off her mantle.⁠ ⁠… The Actors Oh, what d’you think of that? Only the mantle? He must be mad. Some Actresses But why? Mantles as well? The Father To hang them
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