The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

do, of skin, hair, fat, flesh, veins, arteries, ligaments, nerves, cartilages, bones, marrow, brains, glands, genitals, humours, and articulations;⁠—is a Being of as much activity,⁠—and, in all senses of the word, as much and as truly our fellow-creature as my Lord Chancellor of England.⁠—He may be benefited,⁠—he may be injured,⁠—he may obtain redress;⁠—in a word, he has all the claims and rights of humanity, which Tully, Puffendorf, or the best ethick writers allow to arise out of that state and relation.

Now, dear Sir, what if any accident had befallen him in his way alone!⁠—or that, through terror of it, natural to so young a traveller, my little Gentleman had got to his journey’s end miserably spent;⁠—his muscular strength and virility worn down to a thread;⁠—his own animal spirits ruffled beyond description,⁠—and that in this sad disordered state of nerves, he had lain down a prey to sudden starts, or a series of melancholy dreams and fancies, for nine long, long months together.⁠—I tremble to think what a foundation had been laid for a thousand weaknesses both of body and mind, which no skill of the physician or the philosopher could ever afterwards have set thoroughly to rights.

III

To my uncle Mr. Toby Shandy do I stand indebted for the preceding anecdote, to whom my father, who was an excellent natural philosopher, and much given to close reasoning upon the smallest matters, had oft, and heavily complained of the injury; but once more particularly, as my uncle Toby well remember’d, upon his observing a most unaccountable obliquity (as he call’d it) in my manner of setting up my top, and justifying the principles upon which I had done it,⁠—the old gentleman shook his head, and in a tone more expressive by half of sorrow than reproach,⁠—he said his heart all along foreboded, and he saw it verified in this, and from a thousand other observations he had made upon me, That I should neither think nor act like any other man’s child:⁠—But alas! continued he, shaking his head a second time, and wiping away a tear which was trickling down his cheeks, My Tristram’s misfortunes began nine months before ever he came into the world.

—My mother, who was sitting by, look’d up,⁠—but she knew no more than her backside what my father meant,⁠—but my uncle, Mr. Toby Shandy, who had been often informed of the affair,⁠—understood him very well.

IV

I know there are readers in the world, as well as many other good people in it, who are no readers at all, who find themselves ill at ease, unless they are let into the whole secret from first to last, of everything which concerns you.

It is in pure compliance with this humour of theirs, and from a backwardness in my nature to disappoint any one soul living, that I have been so very particular already. As my life and opinions are likely to make some noise in the world, and, if I conjecture right, will take in all ranks, professions, and denominations of men whatever,⁠—be no less read than the Pilgrim’s Progress itself⁠—and in the end, prove the very thing which Montaigne dreaded his Essays should turn out, that is, a book for a parlour-window;⁠—I find it necessary to consult every one a little in his turn; and therefore must beg pardon for going on a little farther in the same way: For which cause, right glad I am, that I have begun the history of myself in the way I have done; and that I am able to go on, tracing everything in it, as Horace says, ab Ovo.

Horace, I know, does not recommend this fashion altogether: But that gentleman is speaking only of an epic poem or a tragedy;⁠—(I forget which),⁠—besides, if it was not so, I should beg Mr. Horace’s pardon;⁠—for in writing what I have set about, I shall confine myself neither to his rules, nor to any man’s rules that ever lived.

To such, however, as do not choose to go so far back into these things, I can give no better advice, than that they skip over the remaining part of this chapter; for I declare beforehand, ’tis wrote only for the curious and inquisitive.

Shut the door. I was begot in the night, betwixt the first Sunday and the first Monday in the month of March, in the year of our Lord one thousand seven hundred and eighteen. I am positive I was.⁠—But how I came to be so very particular in my account of a thing which happened before I was born, is owing to another small anecdote known only in our own family, but now made publick for the better clearing up this point.

My father, you must know, who was originally a Turkey merchant, but had left off business for some years, in order to retire to, and die upon, his paternal estate in the county of ⸻, was, I believe, one of the most regular men in everything he did, whether ’twas matter of business, or matter of amusement, that ever lived. As a small specimen of this extreme exactness of his, to which he was in truth a slave,⁠—he had made it a rule for many years of his life,⁠—on the first Sunday-night of every month throughout the whole year,⁠—as certain as ever the Sunday-night came,⁠⸺⁠to wind up a large house-clock, which we had standing on the backstairs head, with his own hands:⁠—And being somewhere between fifty and sixty years of age at the time I have been speaking of,⁠—he had likewise gradually brought some other little family concernments to the same period, in order, as he would often say to my uncle Toby, to get them all out of the way at one time, and be no more plagued and pestered with them the rest of the month.

It was attended but with one misfortune, which, in a great measure, fell upon myself, and the effects of which I fear I shall carry with me to my grave; namely, that from an unhappy association of ideas, which have