The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

essentials of matter, form, and place: I beg, therefore, you will accept it as such, and that you will permit me to lay it, with the most respectful humility, at your Lordship’s feet,⁠—when you are upon them,⁠—which you can be when you please;⁠—and that is, my Lord, whenever there is occasion for it, and I will add, to the best purposes too. I have the honour to be,

“My Lord,
Your Lordship’s most obedient,
and most devoted,
and most humble servant,
Tristram Shandy.”

IX

I solemnly declare to all mankind, that the above dedication was made for no one Prince, Prelate, Pope, or Potentate,⁠—Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, of this, or any other Realm in Christendom;⁠⸺⁠nor has it yet been hawked about, or offered publicly or privately, directly or indirectly, to any one person or personage, great or small; but is honestly a true Virgin-Dedication untried on, upon any soul living.

I labour this point so particularly, merely to remove any offence or objection which might arise against it from the manner in which I propose to make the most of it;⁠—which is the putting it up fairly to public sale; which I now do.

⸺⁠Every author has a way of his own in bringing his points to bear;⁠—for my own part, as I hate chaffering and higgling for a few guineas in a dark entry;⁠—I resolved within myself, from the very beginning, to deal squarely and openly with your Great Folks in this affair, and try whether I should not come off the better by it.

If therefore there is any one Duke, Marquis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, in these his Majesty’s dominions, who stands in need of a tight, genteel dedication, and whom the above will suit, (for by the by, unless it suits in some degree, I will not part with it)⁠⸺⁠it is much at his service for fifty guineas;⁠⸺⁠which I am positive is twenty guineas less than it ought to be afforded for, by any man of genius.

My Lord, if you examine it over again, it is far from being a gross piece of daubing, as some dedications are. The design, your Lordship sees, is good,⁠—the colouring transparent,⁠—the drawing not amiss;⁠—or to speak more like a man of science,⁠—and measure my piece in the painter’s scale, divided into 20,⁠—I believe, my Lord, the outlines will turn out as 12,⁠—the composition as 9,⁠—the colouring as 6,⁠—the expression 13 and a half,⁠—and the design,⁠—if I may be allowed, my Lord, to understand my own design, and supposing absolute perfection in designing, to be as 20,⁠—I think it cannot well fall short of 19. Besides all this,⁠—there is keeping in it, and the dark strokes in the Hobbyhorse, (which is a secondary figure, and a kind of background to the whole) give great force to the principal lights in your own figure, and make it come off wonderfully;⁠⸺⁠and besides, there is an air of originality in the tout ensemble.

Be pleased, my good Lord, to order the sum to be paid into the hands of Mr. Dodsley, for the benefit of the author; and in the next edition care shall be taken that this chapter be expunged, and your Lordship’s titles, distinctions, arms, and good actions, be placed at the front of the preceding chapter: All which, from the words, De gustibus non est disputandum, and whatever else in this book relates to Hobbyhorses, but no more, shall stand dedicated to your Lordship.⁠—The rest I dedicate to the Moon, who, by the by, of all the Patrons or Matrons I can think of, has most power to set my book a-going, and make the world run mad after it.

Bright Goddess,

If thou art not too busy with Candid and Miss Cunegund’s affairs,⁠—take Tristram Shandy’s under thy protection also.

X

Whatever degree of small merit the act of benignity in favour of the midwife might justly claim, or in whom that claim truly rested,⁠—at first sight seems not very material to this history;⁠⸺⁠certain however it was, that the gentlewoman, the parson’s wife, did run away at that time with the whole of it: And yet, for my life, I cannot help thinking but that the parson himself, though he had not the good fortune to hit upon the design first,⁠—yet, as he heartily concurred in it the moment it was laid before him, and as heartily parted with his money to carry it into execution, had a claim to some share of it,⁠—if not to a full half of whatever honour was due to it.

The world at that time was pleased to determine the matter otherwise.

Lay down the book, and I will allow you half a day to give a probable guess at the grounds of this procedure.

Be it known then, that, for about five years before the date of the midwife’s licence, of which you have had so circumstantial an account,⁠—the parson we have to do with had made himself a country-talk by a breach of all decorum, which he had committed against himself, his station, and his office;⁠—and that was in never appearing better, or otherwise mounted, than upon a lean, sorry, jackass of a horse, value about one pound fifteen shillings; who, to shorten all description of him, was full brother to Rosinante, as far as similitude congenial could make him; for he answered his description to a hair-breadth in everything,⁠—except that I do not remember ’tis anywhere said, that Rosinante was broken-winded; and that, moreover, Rosinante, as is the happiness of most Spanish horses, fat or lean,⁠—was undoubtedly a horse at all points.

I know very well that the Hero’s horse was a horse of chaste deportment, which may have given grounds for the contrary opinion: But it is as certain at the same time, that Rosinante’s continency (as may be demonstrated from the adventure of the Yanguesian carriers) proceeded from no bodily defect or cause whatsoever, but from the temperance and orderly current of his blood.⁠—And let me tell you, Madam, there is a great deal of very good chastity in the world, in behalf of which you could not say