Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody Fanny Merkin (the giving tree read aloud TXT) 📖

“Never had sex in a hotel room?” he says, cradling my face in his hand. I kiss his palm.

“Never had sex . . . at all,” I say.

He doesn’t say anything. I open my eyes.

“I know, Anna,” he says. “I’ve read transcripts of all your therapist appointments from the time you were sixteen until last week. You don’t think you’re desirable, but you don’t know the power you have . . .”

“You’re not mad?” I say.

“Why would I be?”

I shrug. “I didn’t think most guys wanted to date virgins. We’re not very experienced, and we usually have emotional hang-ups involving sex.”

“Who said we’re dating?”

Gulp. It’s like I was following the bread crumbs on a trail to his heart, but a big bird came along and ate them all. The trail of bread crumbs has gone cold.

“I already told you, I’m not a ‛girlfriend’ kind of guy, Anna,” he says, scolding me. “But that reminds me . . .”

Earl reaches a hand into his robe and pulls out a thick manila envelope. He sits up on his knees and hands it to me. Uh-oh. What is this?

“It’s a quiz,” he says.

“A quiz?” I say, holding it. “What kind of quiz?”

“The kind you might find in Cosmo,” he says, and the smirk is back. How I missed his smirk! “It’s a sex quiz, baby.”

Chapter Nine

MY ROBE IS TIED AGAIN, and it doesn’t look like Earl Grey and I are going to be jumping back into bed anytime soon. He’s relaxing on the bed, watching oiled-up men in their underwear roll around with each other on some WWE wrestling program. He’s giving me a chance to read over the entire quiz, and refuses to even go to first base with me until I’ve filled it out. This isn’t how I expected to spend my Sunday; in some ways, it’s even more tedious than studying for my final exams.

Name: _________________

My ideal man is:

a. Smart

b. Funny

c. Good looking

d. Wealthy

e. Sociopathic

f. All of the above

I feel sexiest when I’m wearing:

a. New shoes

b. A slinky black dress

c. Nipple clamps

d. All of the above

I’m afraid of:

a. Being flogged

b. Being tied up

c. Running out of toilet paper in a public restroom

d. None of the above

My favorite body part is:

a. My butt

b. My boobs

c. My eyes

d. My partner’s eyes

Toys I would like to try include:

a. Vibrators

b. Butt plugs

c.

Hello Kitty

–brand toasters

d. All of the above

I am:

a. Team Edward

b. Team Jacob

c. Team Edward Does Jacob

I find it really hot when a man:

a. Listens to me

b. Cooks dinner for me

c. Canes my ass like a Singapore prison warden

One extracurricular activity I’ve always wanted to try is:

a. “Dirty Sanchez”

b. “Rusty trombone”

c. “Amish plow”

d. “Abraham Lincoln”

In a relationship, I prefer to be:

a. Submissive

b. Dominant

c. Awake

One day, I’d really like to:

a. Meet Tom Cruise

b. Go skydiving

c. Have sex with Earl Grey

d. All of the above, at the same time

The amount of pain I can tolerate on a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is “none” and 5 is “listening to anything by Fergie or the Black-Eyed Peas,” is:

1–2–3–4–5

And there’s more.

I look up from the quiz at Earl in disbelief. “You actually want me to fill this out?”

He turns the television volume down. “That was kind of the idea, Anna,” he says.

Every time he says my name, a chill runs down my spine. That doesn’t change the fact that I’m irritated with him. He won’t be using his charm and good looks on me, not this time.

“You’re out of your damn mind,” I say. “I’m not filling anything out.”

“If you don’t, then . . .”

“Then what? You won’t make love to me?”

He cackles, then growls, then cackles. “I don’t make love, Anna. I hardly play. I mean, I play hard.”

Woah. Just hearing him say the word “hard” makes me want to fill out the sex quiz. But no! I have to stand my ground. Be strong, Anna, my inner guidette says. Don’t let this juicehead push you around.

“What happened to you as a child to make you this way?” I ask Earl.

“What way?” he says defensively.

“So afraid of forming any real emotional connection.”

“I resent that remark,” he says. “I’m a people person.”

I shake my head. “You use people, Earl. The billion people who work for you are nothing more than grains of sand that make up a beach that you relax on, with a piña colada in one hand and a blond receptionist in the other.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he says. “I’ve never had a piña colada in my life.”

“I may not be the smartest person in this room, but I’m not some stupid college kid,” I say, emboldened by the rise I’m getting out of him. Actually, I am a stupid college kid; hopefully, he doesn’t pick up on my verbal slip.

“Stop this at once, before you say something you regret,” he says.

“You’re not a people person, Mr. Grey. You dispose of employees with the slightest provocation. You buy and sell companies based on whom you’re dating, without regard to the employees whose lives you affect when you act so willy-nilly. You can’t even enter into a relationship without your partner answering a twelve-hundred-page Cosmo quiz. You’re afraid of people.”

Earl Grey, no longer smirking, shakes his head and lowers his gaze. Have I broken through the great Earl Grey’s ego?

“The quiz is only a thousand one hundred eighty-seven pages, but . . . you’re right. You’re right, Anna,” he says.

“I am?”

“Yes,” he says. “Fine. Don’t answer the quiz questions. We can discuss it later.”

Did he just cede a point to me? I think he did! Score one for the away team.

“Now, if you’re not man enough to slay dragons with me without some stupid quiz, I’m leaving,” I say.

His eyes open wide. Now I’ve shocked the dark and dangerous Earl Grey!

“Don’t go,” he says, a hint of desperation in his voice. “There’s something I need to show you first. Get dressed.”

Chapter Ten

WITH MY BACK TURNED to Earl, I slip my underwear on