Apocalypse: Generic System Macronomicon (miss read books TXT) 📖

Wand of cleansing.

Inject Myst to remove filth and grime from any surface. Power is dependent on the amount of Myst.

 Ever Popular with spellcasters and housewives across the globe, the wand of cleansing is a must have in any well-prepared sorceress’s arsenal. Cutting chore times in half and taming the unpleasant stains and odors of adventuring is as simple as a wave of the wand!

Barbarian refuse to take a bath because water is unlucky? Cleansing! Did the party just fall into a bog? Cleansing!

Choosy Witches Choose Cleansing! ™

Jeb finished reading the description on the item, then glanced over at Jessica.

“I feel kinda greasy, like I’ve just seen both sides of the gender advertising divide.”

“If it knew you were a guy,” Jessica said, putting the sword over her shoulder, “it would’ve been all about maintaining your ‘gear’ and keeping it in ‘peak condition’. She made air quotes as she spoke.

“Yeah, along with disinfecting wounds and preventing gangrene.” Jeb said with a chuckle, inspecting the wand. “If it had said that and looked like a black tactical flashlight I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it.”

Upon closer inspection…it still looked like a cheap plastic toy. But there was writing on the side.

The Cleansing wand emits a penetrating cone of Cleansing light that scours away grime*, removing it from existence.

To use, hold the wand in your dominant hand and inject Myst into the bottom of the wand while aiming at the objects or persons to be cleaned. The Cleansing Wand is not rated for more than 125 Nitsu of Myst per second, any more may break the wand and result in severe injury or death.

Do not use Cleansing wand in a manner other than for its intended purpose. Do not tamper with Cleansing Wand. Doing so voids all warranty and may result in serious injury or death. Life-aide is not liable for any damages caused by using the product other than for its intended purpose.

*grime is defined by the user’s subconscious, Life-aide is not responsible for aberrant users who view other people as grime.

At the bottom of the wand was a little rounded cap with the words ‘insert Myst here,’ stenciled onto it.

“huh.” Jeb grunted, re-reading the label, complete with warnings.

“What?”

“You know how you can turn hairspray into a flamethrower and a microwave into a gun that can cook people from a distance, and fertilizer into an I.E.D.?” Jeb asked.

“Uhh..Yeah?”

“I think the same concept applies, here.” he said, eyeing the seam of the cheap plastic wand.

If it said tampering with it could lead to severe injury or death, that meant careful tampering could lead to severe injury or death…for other people.

We’ll put that on the backburner. Jeb thought, slipping the wand in his belt. Even if it was pink and girly, and somewhat condescendingly marketed towards women, it was still his first piece of genuine magical equipment.

“Alright, where to next?” Jeb asked, pulling out the map.

Chapter 4: The worm stick

***3 days, 7 hours remaining Until Safe Zones expire***

“Okay, so there should be some kind of treasure in here,” Jeb said, as they crawled beneath the low-hanging branches of a bunch of weeping willows. Or at least they looked like weeping willows. I’m not a botanist.

They were forced to squat and crabwalk through the area because of the lack of standing room.

“The map says, and I quote, a raw myst lens capable of creating an infinite cornucopia of food is preserved in the low-hanging forest.” Jessica said, glancing between the map and the nearby landmark, which in this case was a giant hominid skull.

Neither of them were particularly in dispute that starving to death was an outcome to be avoided. If there was an object that could convert Myst into food, they could move light and if one of them got injured, as long as Jeb had Myst, they could hunker down and avoid endangering themselves by hunting.

Why is it called a lens, though? Jeb wondered as they scanned the forest floor, searching for some kind of piece of glass, or a gem, or something. Jeb imagined a golden gem on the end of some kind of cornucopia horn.

He should’ve known by now that nothing with Myst was simple.

“I don’t think there’s anything here. if this lens was here, maybe another team already got it.” Jessica said.

There was no guarantee they were the only survivors, after all. They’d seen signs of humans every now and then, but after Redbeard’s group, Jeb was hesitant to actively seek them out.

Once bitten, twice shy, I suppose.

Given his ability to negotiate with fairies and move shit with his mind, Jeb could more than pull his weight, so to speak, but those traits weren’t visible to the naked eye, and if there was anything Jeb knew about human nature from the army, it was this:

If nobody saw you doing something, you didn’t do it.

The point being, if his prospective teammates couldn’t quantify or comprehend his contribution to their team, he’d most likely sink to the bottom of the group’s totem pole, being a cripple.

He’d get saddled with all the menial shit like skinning potatoes and cleaning gear in addition to fairy negotiations and using telekinesis to help fight monsters.

Being the ‘fairy bitch’ didn’t sound like a particularly good deal to him, so Jeb was…neutral about finding a larger group to work with. Jessica didn’t seem particularly eager to find another group either, for various reasons.

So they didn’t follow up on these traces, going their own way instead.

“You might be right. We can’t afford to spend all afternoon on this one thing. Twenty minutes.” Jeb said. Jessica nodded, scanning the ground and low hanging branches as they scuttled through the greenery.

It’s not up in the trees is it? Jeb thought, glancing up, but not