The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

the use of powder to the Venetians, in their wars against the Genoese; but ’tis certain he was not the first; because if we are to believe Don Pedro, the bishop of Leon⁠—How came priests and bishops, an’ please your honour, to trouble their heads so much about gunpowder? God knows, said my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠his providence brings good out of everything⁠—and he avers, in his chronicle of King Alphonsus, who reduced Toledo, That in the year 1343, which was full thirty-seven years before that time, the secret of powder was well known, and employed with success, both by Moors and Christians, not only in their sea-combats, at that period, but in many of their most memorable sieges in Spain and Barbary⁠—And all the world knows, that Friar Bacon had wrote expressly about it, and had generously given the world a receipt to make it by, above a hundred and fifty years before even Schwartz was born⁠—And that the Chinese, added my uncle Toby, embarrass us, and all accounts of it, still more, by boasting of the invention some hundreds of years even before him⁠⸺⁠

—They are a pack of liars, I believe, cried Trim⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠They are somehow or other deceived, said my uncle Toby, in this matter, as is plain to me from the present miserable state of military architecture amongst them; which consists of nothing more than a fossé with a brick wall without flanks⁠—and for what they gave us as a bastion at each angle of it, ’tis so barbarously constructed, that it looks for all the world⁠⸻⸻Like one of my seven castles, an’ please your honour, quoth Trim.

My uncle Toby, tho’ in the utmost distress for a comparison, most courteously refused Trim’s offer⁠—till Trim telling him, he had half a dozen more in Bohemia, which he knew not how to get off his hands⁠⸺⁠my uncle Toby was so touch’d with the pleasantry of heart of the corporal⁠⸺⁠that he discontinued his dissertation upon gunpowder⁠⸺⁠and begged the corporal forthwith to go on with his story of the King of Bohemia and his seven castles.

The Story of the King of Bohemia and His Seven Castles, Continued

This unfortunate King of Bohemia, said Trim,⁠⸺⁠Was he unfortunate, then? cried my uncle Toby, for he had been so wrapt up in his dissertation upon gunpowder, and other military affairs, that tho’ he had desired the corporal to go on, yet the many interruptions he had given, dwelt not so strong upon his fancy as to account for the epithet⁠⸺⁠Was he unfortunate, then, Trim? said my uncle Toby, pathetically⁠⸺⁠The corporal, wishing first the word and all its synonimas at the devil, forthwith began to run back in his mind, the principal events in the King of Bohemia’s story; from every one of which, it appearing that he was the most fortunate man that ever existed in the world⁠⸺⁠it put the corporal to a stand: for not caring to retract his epithet⁠⸺⁠and less to explain it⁠⸺⁠and least of all, to twist his tale (like men of lore) to serve a system⁠⸺⁠he looked up in my uncle Toby’s face for assistance⁠⸺⁠but seeing it was the very thing my uncle Toby sat in expectation of himself⁠⸺⁠after a hum and a haw, he went on⁠⸻

The King of Bohemia, an’ please your honour, replied the corporal, was unfortunate, as thus⁠⸺⁠That taking great pleasure and delight in navigation and all sort of sea affairs⁠⸺⁠and there happening throughout the whole kingdom of Bohemia, to be no seaport town whatever⁠⸺⁠

How the duce should there⁠—Trim? cried my uncle Toby; for Bohemia being totally inland, it could have happen’d no otherwise⁠⸺⁠It might, said Trim, if it had pleased God⁠⸺⁠

My uncle Toby never spoke of the being and natural attributes of God, but with diffidence and hesitation⁠⸺⁠

⸺⁠I believe not, replied my uncle Toby, after some pause⁠⸺⁠for being inland, as I said, and having Silesia and Moravia to the east; Lusatia and Upper Saxony to the north; Franconia to the west; Bavaria to the south; Bohemia could not have been propell’d to the sea without ceasing to be Bohemia⁠⸺⁠nor could the sea, on the other hand, have come up to Bohemia, without overflowing a great part of Germany, and destroying millions of unfortunate inhabitants who could make no defence against it⁠⸺⁠Scandalous! cried Trim⁠—Which would bespeak, added my uncle Toby, mildly, such a want of compassion in him who is the father of it⁠⸺⁠that, I think, Trim⁠⸺⁠the thing could have happen’d no way.

The corporal made the bow of unfeigned conviction; and went on.

Now the King of Bohemia with his queen and courtiers happening one fine summer’s evening to walk out⁠⸺⁠Aye! there the word happening is right, Trim, cried my uncle Toby; for the King of Bohemia and his queen might have walk’d out or let it alone:⁠⸺’twas a matter of contingency, which might happen, or not, just as chance ordered it.

King William was of an opinion, an’ please your honour, quoth Trim, that everything was predestined for us in this world; insomuch, that he would often say to his soldiers, that “every ball had its billet.” He was a great man, said my uncle Toby⁠⸺⁠And I believe, continued Trim, to this day, that the shot which disabled me at the battle of Landen, was pointed at my knee for no other purpose, but to take me out of his service, and place me in your honour’s, where I should be taken so much better care of in my old age⁠⸺⁠It shall never, Trim, be construed otherwise, said my uncle Toby.

The heart, both of the master and the man, were alike subject to sudden overflowings;⁠⸺⁠a short silence ensued.

Besides, said the corporal, resuming the discourse⁠—but in a gayer accent⁠⸺⁠if it had not been for that single shot, I had never, an’ please your honour, been in love⁠⸻

So, thou wast once in love, Trim! said my uncle Toby, smiling⁠⸺⁠

Souse! replied the corporal⁠—over head and ears! an’ please your honour. Prithee when? where?⁠—and how came it to pass?⁠⸺⁠I never heard one word of it before; quoth my uncle Toby:⁠⸺⁠I dare say, answered Trim, that every drummer and serjeant’s son in