The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

into plain English without any periphrasis;⁠—and too oft without much distinction of either person, time, or place;⁠—so that when mention was made of a pitiful or an ungenerous proceeding⁠⸺⁠he never gave himself a moment’s time to reflect who was the hero of the piece,⁠⸺⁠what his station,⁠⸺⁠or how far he had power to hurt him hereafter;⁠⸺⁠but if it was a dirty action,⁠—without more ado,⁠—The man was a dirty fellow,⁠—and so on.⁠—And as his comments had usually the ill fate to be terminated either in a bon mot, or to be enlivened throughout with some drollery or humour of expression, it gave wings to Yorick’s indiscretion. In a word, tho’ he never sought, yet, at the same time, as he seldom shunned occasions of saying what came uppermost, and without much ceremony;⁠⸺⁠he had but too many temptations in life, of scattering his wit and his humour,⁠—his gibes and his jests about him.⁠⸺⁠They were not lost for want of gathering.

What were the consequences, and what was Yorick’s catastrophe thereupon, you will read in the next chapter.

XII

The Mortgager and Mortgagée differ the one from the other, not more in length of purse, than the Jester and Jestée do, in that of memory. But in this the comparison between them runs, as the scholiasts call it, upon all-four; which, by the by, is upon one or two legs more than some of the best of Homer’s can pretend to;⁠—namely, That the one raises a sum, and the other a laugh at your expense, and thinks no more about it. Interest, however, still runs on in both cases;⁠—the periodical or accidental payments of it, just serving to keep the memory of the affair alive; till, at length, in some evil hour,⁠—pop comes the creditor upon each, and by demanding principal upon the spot, together with full interest to the very day, makes them both feel the full extent of their obligations.

As the reader (for I hate your ifs) has a thorough knowledge of human nature, I need not say more to satisfy him, that my Hero could not go on at this rate without some slight experience of these incidental mementos. To speak the truth, he had wantonly involved himself in a multitude of small book-debts of this stamp, which, notwithstanding Eugenius’s frequent advice, he too much disregarded; thinking, that as not one of them was contracted thro’ any malignancy;⁠—but, on the contrary, from an honesty of mind, and a mere jocundity of humour, they would all of them be cross’d out in course.

Eugenius would never admit this; and would often tell him, that one day or other he would certainly be reckoned with; and he would often add, in an accent of sorrowful apprehension,⁠—to the uttermost mite. To which Yorick, with his usual carelessness of heart, would as often answer with a pshaw!⁠—and if the subject was started in the fields⁠—with a hop, skip, and a jump at the end of it; but if close pent up in the social chimney-corner, where the culprit was barricado’d in, with a table and a couple of armchairs, and could not so readily fly off in a tangent,⁠—Eugenius would then go on with his lecture upon discretion in words to this purpose, though somewhat better put together.

Trust me, dear Yorick, this unwary pleasantry of thine will sooner or later bring thee into scrapes and difficulties, which no after-wit can extricate thee out of.⁠⸺⁠In these sallies, too oft, I see, it happens, that a person laughed at, considers himself in the light of a person injured, with all the rights of such a situation belonging to him; and when thou viewest him in that light too, and reckons up his friends, his family, his kindred and allies,⁠⸺⁠and musters up with them the many recruits which will list under him from a sense of common danger;⁠⸺’tis no extravagant arithmetick to say, that for every ten jokes,⁠—thou hast got an hundred enemies; and till thou hast gone on, and raised a swarm of wasps about thine ears, and art half stung to death by them, thou wilt never be convinced it is so.

I cannot suspect it in the man whom I esteem, that there is the least spur from spleen or malevolence of intent in these sallies⁠⸺⁠I believe and know them to be truly honest and sportive:⁠—But consider, my dear lad, that fools cannot distinguish this,⁠—and that knaves will not: and thou knowest not what it is, either to provoke the one, or to make merry with the other:⁠⸺⁠whenever they associate for mutual defence, depend upon it, they will carry on the war in such a manner against thee, my dear friend, as to make thee heartily sick of it, and of thy life too.

Revenge from some baneful corner shall level a tale of dishonour at thee, which no innocence of heart or integrity of conduct shall set right.⁠⸺⁠The fortunes of thy house shall totter,⁠—thy character, which led the way to them, shall bleed on every side of it,⁠—thy faith questioned,⁠—thy works belied,⁠—thy wit forgotten,⁠—thy learning trampled on. To wind up the last scene of thy tragedy, Cruelty and Cowardice, twin ruffians, hired and set on by Malice in the dark, shall strike together at all thy infirmities and mistakes:⁠⸺⁠The best of us, my dear lad, lie open there,⁠⸺⁠and trust me,⁠⸺⁠trust me, Yorick, when to gratify a private appetite, it is once resolved upon, that an innocent and an helpless creature shall be sacrificed, ’tis an easy matter to pick up sticks enough from any thicket where it has strayed, to make a fire to offer it up with.

Yorick scarce ever heard this sad vaticination of his destiny read over to him, but with a fear stealing from his eye, and a promissory look attending it, that he was resolved, for the time to come, to ride his tit with more sobriety.⁠—But, alas, too late!⁠—a grand confederacy, with ***** and ***** at the head of it, was formed before the first prediction of it.⁠—The whole plan of the attack, just as Eugenius