Of Human Bondage W. Somerset Maugham (epub e reader txt) 📖

sat on the edge of the bed. He felt ashamed. He saw now that Mildred’s cheeks were thick with rouge, her eyebrows were blackened; but she looked thin and ill, and the red on her cheeks exaggerated the greenish pallor of her skin. She stared at the paper fan in a listless fashion. Philip could not think what to say, and he had a choking in his throat as if he were going to cry. He covered his eyes with his hands.

“My God, it is awful,” he groaned.

“I don’t know what you’ve got to fuss about. I should have thought you’d have been rather pleased.”

Philip did not answer, and in a moment she broke into a sob.

“You don’t think I do it because I like it, do you?”

“Oh, my dear,” he cried. “I’m so sorry, I’m so awfully sorry.”

“That’ll do me a fat lot of good.”

Again Philip found nothing to say. He was desperately afraid of saying anything which she might take for a reproach or a sneer.

“Where’s the baby?” he asked at last.

“I’ve got her with me in London. I hadn’t got the money to keep her on at Brighton, so I had to take her. I’ve got a room up Highbury way. I told them I was on the stage. It’s a long way to have to come down to the West End every day, but it’s a rare job to find anyone who’ll let to ladies at all.”

“Wouldn’t they take you back at the shop?”

“I couldn’t get any work to do anywhere. I walked my legs off looking for work. I did get a job once, but I was off for a week because I was queer, and when I went back they said they didn’t want me any more. You can’t blame them either, can you? Them places, they can’t afford to have girls that aren’t strong.”

“You don’t look very well now,” said Philip.

“I wasn’t fit to come out tonight, but I couldn’t help myself, I wanted the money. I wrote to Emil and told him I was broke, but he never even answered the letter.”

“You might have written to me.”

“I didn’t like to, not after what happened, and I didn’t want you to know I was in difficulties. I shouldn’t have been surprised if you’d just told me I’d only got what I deserved.”

“You don’t know me very well, do you, even now?”

For a moment he remembered all the anguish he had suffered on her account, and he was sick with the recollection of his pain. But it was no more than recollection. When he looked at her he knew that he no longer loved her. He was very sorry for her, but he was glad to be free. Watching her gravely, he asked himself why he had been so besotted with passion for her.

“You’re a gentleman in every sense of the word,” she said. “You’re the only one I’ve ever met.” She paused for a minute and then flushed. “I hate asking you, Philip, but can you spare me anything?”

“It’s lucky I’ve got some money on me. I’m afraid I’ve only got two pounds.”

He gave her the sovereigns.

“I’ll pay you back, Philip.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” he smiled. “You needn’t worry.”

He had said nothing that he wanted to say. They had talked as if the whole thing were natural; and it looked as though she would go now, back to the horror of her life, and he would be able to do nothing to prevent it. She had got up to take the money, and they were both standing.

“Am I keeping you?” she asked. “I suppose you want to be getting home.”

“No, I’m in no hurry,” he answered.

“I’m glad to have a chance of sitting down.”

Those words, with all they implied, tore his heart, and it was dreadfully painful to see the weary way in which she sank back into the chair. The silence lasted so long that Philip in his embarrassment lit a cigarette.

“It’s very good of you not to have said anything disagreeable to me, Philip. I thought you might say I didn’t know what all.”

He saw that she was crying again. He remembered how she had come to him when Emil Miller had deserted her and how she had wept. The recollection of her suffering and of his own humiliation seemed to render more overwhelming the compassion he felt now.

“If I could only get out of it!” she moaned. “I hate it so. I’m unfit for the life, I’m not the sort of girl for that. I’d do anything to get away from it, I’d be a servant if I could. Oh, I wish I was dead.”

And in pity for herself she broke down now completely. She sobbed hysterically, and her thin body was shaken.

“Oh, you don’t know what it is. Nobody knows till they’ve done it.”

Philip could not bear to see her cry. He was tortured by the horror of her position.

“Poor child,” he whispered. “Poor child.”

He was deeply moved. Suddenly he had an inspiration. It filled him with a perfect ecstasy of happiness.

“Look here, if you want to get away from it, I’ve got an idea. I’m frightfully hard up just now, I’ve got to be as economical as I can; but I’ve got a sort of little flat now in Kennington and I’ve got a spare room. If you like you and the baby can come and live there. I pay a woman three and sixpence a week to keep the place clean and to do a little cooking for me. You could do that and your food wouldn’t come to much more than the money I should save on her. It doesn’t cost any more to feed two than one, and I don’t suppose the baby eats much.”

She stopped crying and looked at him.

“D’you mean to say that you could take me back after all that’s happened?”

Philip flushed a little in embarrassment at what he had to say.

“I don’t want you to mistake me. I’m just giving you