The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (best english books to read TXT) 📖

of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they

brought the word ‘cynic’ into disfavor so deep that any book bearing

it was discredited in advance of publication.”

 

Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country

had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs,

and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had

become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is

made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial

of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely

resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to

whom the work is addressed — enlightened souls who prefer dry wines

to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang.

 

A conspicuous, and it is hoped not unpleasant, feature of the book

is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of

whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape,

S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape’s kindly

encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly

indebted.

 

A.B.

A

ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence

of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when

addressing an employer.

 

ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside

from molesting the rubbish inside.

 

ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the

high temperature of the throne.

 

Poor Isabella’s Dead, whose abdication

Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation.

For that performance ‘twere unfair to scold her:

She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her.

To History she’ll be no royal riddle —

Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle.

 

G.J.

 

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with

sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient

faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at

the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence

for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a

free hand in the world’s marketing the race would become

graminivorous.

 

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of

the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the

last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high

degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is

rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

 

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and

conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be

detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the

straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself.

Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and

the hope of Hell.

 

ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a

newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

 

ABRACADABRA.

 

By Abracadabra we signify

An infinite number of things.

‘Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?

And Whence? and Whither? — a word whereby

The Truth (with the comfort it brings)

Is open to all who grope in night,

Crying for Wisdom’s holy light.

 

Whether the word is a verb or a noun

Is knowledge beyond my reach.

I only know that ‘tis handed down.

From sage to sage,

From age to age —

An immortal part of speech!

 

Of an ancient man the tale is told

That he lived to be ten centuries old,

In a cave on a mountain side.

(True, he finally died.)

The fame of his wisdom filled the land,

For his head was bald, and you’ll understand

His beard was long and white

And his eyes uncommonly bright.

 

Philosophers gathered from far and near

To sit at his feet and hear and hear,

Though he never was heard

To utter a word

But “Abracadabra, abracadab,

Abracada, abracad,

Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!”

‘Twas all he had,

‘Twas all they wanted to hear, and each

Made copious notes of the mystical speech,

Which they published next —

A trickle of text

In the meadow of commentary.

Mighty big books were these,

In a number, as leaves of trees;

In learning, remarkably — very!

 

He’s dead,

As I said,

And the books of the sages have perished,

But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.

In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,

Like an ancient bell that forever swings.

O, I love to hear

That word make clear

Humanity’s General Sense of Things.

 

Jamrach Holobom

 

ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten.

 

When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for

people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of

mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel

them to the separation.

 

Oliver Cromwell

 

ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon-shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most

affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another

author’s ideas that they were “concatenated without abruption.”

 

ABSCOND, v.i. To “move in a mysterious way,” commonly with the

property of another.

 

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond;

The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

 

Phela Orm

 

ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed;

hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection

of another.

 

To men a man is but a mind. Who cares

What face he carries or what form he wears?

But woman’s body is the woman. O,

Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go,

But heed the warning words the sage hath said:

A woman absent is a woman dead.

 

Jogo Tyree

 

ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to

remove himself from the sphere of exaction.

 

ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is

one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases

the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them

having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign’s

power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics,

which are governed by chance.

 

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying

himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from

everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the

affairs of others.

 

Said a man to a crapulent youth: “I thought

You a total abstainer, my son.”

“So I am, so I am,” said the scapegrace caught —

“But not, sir, a bigoted one.”

 

G.J.

 

ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with

one’s own opinion.

 

ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were

taught.

 

ACADEMY, n. [from ACADEME] A modern school where football is

taught.

 

ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable

natural laws.

 

ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty

knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal,

knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney’s position in the

matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one

having offered them a fee for assenting.

 

ACCORD, n. Harmony.

 

ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an

assassin.

 

ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.

 

“My accountability, bear in mind,”

Said the Grand Vizier: “Yes, yes,”

Said the Shah: “I do — ‘tis the only kind

Of ability you possess.”

 

Joram Tate

 

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another’s guilt or unworth; most commonly as a

justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

 

ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who

absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar

had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de

Joinville.

 

ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.

 

ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another’s

faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

 

ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,

but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight

when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or

famous.

 

ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

 

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

 

ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in

solicitate of gold.

 

ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding

funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

 

ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects

to get.

 

ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to

receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of

straw, proof against bad-egging and deadcatting.

 

ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the

figure-head does the thinking.

 

ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to

ourselves.

 

ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning.

 

Consigned by way of admonition,

His soul forever to perdition.

 

Judibras

 

ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly.

 

ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin.

 

“The man was in such deep distress,”

Said Tom, “that I could do no less

Than give him good advice.” Said Jim:

“If less could have been done for him

I know you well enough, my son,

To know that’s what you would have done.”

 

Jebel Jocordy

 

AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain.

 

AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for

another and bitter world.

 

AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way.

 

AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that

we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the

enterprise to commit.

 

AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors

— to dislodge the worms.

 

AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to.

“Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?”

She tenderly inquired.

“An aim? Well, no, I haven’t, wife;

The fact is — I have fired.”

 

G.J.

 

AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for

the fattening of the poor.

 

ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving

with a pretence of open marauding.

 

ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state.

 

ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the

Christian, Jewish, and so forth.

 

Allah’s good laws I faithfully have kept,

And ever for the sins of man have wept;

And sometimes kneeling in the temple I

Have reverently crossed my hands and slept.

 

Junker Barlow

 

ALLEGIANCE, n.

 

This thing Allegiance, as I suppose,

Is a ring fitted in the subject’s nose,

Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed

To smell the sweetness of the Lord’s anointed.

 

G.J.

 

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who

have their hands so deeply inserted in each other’s pockets that they

cannot separately plunder a third.

 

ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to

the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus

says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces

crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the

other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a

sawrian.

 

ALONE, adj. In bad company.

 

In contact, lo! the flint and steel,

By spark and flame, the thought reveal

That he the