The Devil's Dictionary by Ambrose Bierce (best english books to read TXT) 📖

merely to show

That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low.

Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou,

But for trifles —

 

Pray what did bad Mendicant do?

 

Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack

And tuck out the belly that clung to his back.

 

Is that all father dear?

 

There’s little to tell:

They sent him to jail, and they’ll send him to — well,

The company’s better than here we can boast,

And there’s —

 

Bread for the needy, dear father?

 

Um — toast.

 

Atka Mip

 

BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends.

 

BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by

breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach

Holobom’s translation of the following lines from the Dies Irae:

 

Recordare, Jesu pie,

Quod sum causa tuae viae.

Ne me perdas illa die.

 

Pray remember, sacred Savior,

Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your

Death-blow. Pardon such behavior.

 

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly

poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two

tongues.

 

BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars.

 

She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be

A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text.

“Here’s one of an order of cooks,” said she —

“Black friars in this world, fried black in the next.”

 

“The Devil on Earth” (London, 1712)

 

BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without,

however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the

means of all.

 

BERENICE’S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor

of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.

 

Her locks an ancient lady gave

Her loving husband’s life to save;

And men — they honored so the dame —

Upon some stars bestowed her name.

 

But to our modern married fair,

Who’d give their lords to save their hair,

No stellar recognition’s given.

There are not stars enough in heaven.

 

G.J.

 

BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will

adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

 

BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion

that you do not entertain.

 

BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent.

 

BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of

it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born

from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block

of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he

grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It

is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a

stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount

Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.

 

BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box

of berries in a market — the fine ones on top — have been opened on

the wrong side. An inverted gentleman.

 

BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters — the most difficult

kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much

affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind.

 

BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the

young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied

the undertaker. The hyena.

 

“One night,” a doctor said, “last fall,

I and my comrades, four in all,

When visiting a graveyard stood

Within the shadow of a wall.

 

“While waiting for the moon to sink

We saw a wild hyena slink

About a new-made grave, and then

Begin to excavate its brink!

 

“Shocked by the horrid act, we made

A sally from our ambuscade,

And, falling on the unholy beast,

Dispatched him with a pick and spade.”

 

Bettel K. Jhones

 

BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to

become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third.

 

Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a

dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would

be able to give. “I need no bondsmen,” he replied, “for I can give

you my word of honor.” “And pray what may be the value of that?”

inquired the amused Regent. “Monsieur, it is worth its weight in gold.”

 

BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

 

BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables — those that are not good to

eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers,

which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill-smelling.

 

BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker.

 

BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two

nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary

rights of the other.

 

BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who

has nothing to get all that he can.

 

A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects

every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal

instance of the Creator’s bounty in providing for the lives of His

creatures.

 

Henry Ward Beecher

 

BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu

and destroyed by Siva — a rather neater division of labor than is

found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese,

for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by

Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy

and learned men who are never naughty.

 

O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity,

First Person of the Hindoo Trinity,

You sit there so calm and securely,

With feet folded up so demurely —

You’re the First Person Singular, surely.

 

Polydore Smith

 

BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which

distinguishes the man who is content to be something from the man

who wishes to do something. A man of great wealth, or one who has

been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of

brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our

civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so

highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of

office.

 

BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one

part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time.

Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero

will venture to drink it.

 

BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

 

BRUTE, n. See HUSBAND.

C

CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the

patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps

asked the archangel for bread.

 

CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and

wise as a man’s head.

The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending

the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire

consisting of the members of his predecessor’s Ministry and the

cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty’s measures of

state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that

several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his

murmuring subjects were appeased.

 

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder

that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities

are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to

others.

 

CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils

afflicting another.

When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was

observed to be deeply moved. “What!” said one of his disciples, “you

weep at the death of an enemy?” “Ah, ‘tis true,” replied the great

Stoic; “but you should see me smile at the death of a friend.”

 

CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal.

 

CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the Splaypes humpidorsus) of great value to

the show business. There are two kinds of camels — the camel proper

and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited.

 

CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple

tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period.

 

CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national

boundaries.

 

CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven.

 

CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire,

the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the

anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the

disgrace before meat. Capital Punishment, a penalty regarding the

justice and expediency of which many worthy persons — including all

the assassins — entertain grave misgivings.

 

CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel.

 

As Death was arising out one day,

Across Mount Camel he took his way,

Where he met a mendicant monk,

Some three or four quarters drunk,

With a holy leer and a pious grin,

Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin,

Who held out his hands and cried:

“Give, give in Charity’s name, I pray.

Give in the name of the Church. O give,

Give that her holy sons may live!”

And Death replied,

Smiling long and wide:

“I’ll give, holy father, I’ll give thee — a ride.”

 

With a rattle and bang

Of his bones, he sprang

From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear;

By the neck and the foot

Seized the fellow, and put

Him astride with his face to the rear.

 

The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell

Like clods on the coffin’s sounding shell:

“Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say,

Will ride to the devil!” — and thump

Fell the flat of his dart on the rump

Of the charger, which galloped away.

 

Faster and faster and faster it flew,

Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew

By the road were dim and blended and blue

To the wild, wild eyes

Of the rider — in size

Resembling a couple of blackberry pies.

Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh

At a burial service spoiled,

And the mourners’ intentions foiled

By the body erecting

Its head and objecting

To further proceedings in its behalf.

 

Many a year and many a day

Have passed since these events away.

The monk has long been a dusty corse,

And Death has never recovered his horse.

For the friar got hold of its tail,

And steered it within the pale

Of the monastery gray,

Where the beast was stabled and fed

With barley and oil and bread

Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar,

And so in due course was appointed Prior.

 

G.J.

 

CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous

vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.

 

CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author

of the celebrated dictum, Cogito ergo sum — whereby he was pleased

to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum

might be improved, however, thus: Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum —

“I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;” as close an

approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

 

CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature