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or she did it or side-stepping the issue with ‘I don’t know,’ ‘I can’t remember’ or ‘It just happened.’ This is clearly a cop-out and needs to be addressed.

Taking responsibility for bad behaviour

By the time we are adults we should have learned to recognise and take responsibility for the consequences of our actions and be able to learn from our mistakes. If we haven’t, we become self-deceiving and selfish entities, ultimately functioning outside the moral laws of society and, in extreme cases, sent to prison, with a judge allotting the responsibility that we failed to take. Denial can easily become a habit and so much a part of our lives that we lose sight of what is real, replacing it with our own self-deluding perspective. Children in the five-to-eight age group will ‘try it on’ and can be quite clever at avoiding the consequences of their negative actions. But this is the time such behaviour needs dealing with, before denial becomes ingrained and a habit, when it will be more difficult to reverse.

Obviously you must be certain your child is responsible for the negative act; if not, give him or her the benefit of the doubt – ‘Tom, I hope it wasn’t you who pulled Sandra’s hair. It would have been a very cruel thing to do,’ which lets Tom know that you are aware of what has happened and that you have your suspicions. If Tom is guilty, then he will hear your warning and take note, and if he wasn’t then his conscience is clear and no harm has been done.

If you are certain your child is responsible for some negative behaviour but he is vehemently denying it, then tell him he is responsible and how you know, with the consequence of how he will help put it right – ‘Tom, it was you who put the roll of toilet paper down the toilet. There is no one else in the house. Now you will come and help me get it out.’ The lesson will be more readily learnt and last longer if Tom corrects the wrong he has done.

If your child is not denying the action but dissociating himself from it by saying, ‘It just happened,’ and assigning his actions to a highly improbable act of God, then say, ‘Things don’t just happen, Tom. That black marker pen didn’t fly off the table and scribble itself on the wall.’ It is OK to inject some humour in the way you phrase it: Tom will still get the message, particularly when he spends valuable playing time cleaning off the mess. He will also take note that you are not as easily fooled as he might have thought, and that disassociating himself from an action doesn’t work. If when you ask who did something, your child says ‘I don’t know’, then you can pointedly say, ‘I do, and I don’t want it happening again,’ reminding him of the sanction if it does happen again. He will get the message, and also make note of, and respect, your insight.

If your child persists that it wasn’t him (or her), and it ‘just happened’, or he ‘doesn’t know’ anything about the incident, and you are certain that he is responsible and is therefore lying, don’t enter into a debate of ‘It was you,’ ‘No, it wasn’t,’ which children of this age are very good at. Just say firmly, ‘Tom, there is black marker pen on the wall and I don’t want it happening again, or I’ll put the pen away for good. That is the end of the matter. Do I make myself clear?’ And make sure it is the end of the matter by walking away or busying yourself with some task if Tom is about to argue the point.

Dealing with denial can be very frustrating, but don’t shout and fly into a rage, as this will make your child close up and become more resistant to owning up to a negative action in the future. If you are dealing with a very serious issue that you need to get to the bottom of – for example, bullying or money going missing from your purse – and Tom (or Claire) has completely closed up, aware it is a bad act and he is guilty, you can say, ‘Tom, I am not going to be angry, but I need to know. Did you take money from my purse for those sweets you are eating?’ As Tom has been reassured that you won’t be angry he is more likely to own up, although his admission of guilt is likely to be a slight nod of the head rather than a loud yes. Accept this and don’t push for any further admission by demanding, ‘Pardon? I can’t hear you. What did you say?’ Calmly explain why the act was wrong and why it mustn’t happen again, and impose an appropriate sanction.

In the case of money being taken from your purse, you can say, ‘Tom, thank you for telling me; that was the adult thing to do. It is wrong to take something that doesn’t belong to you. You should have asked for money or waited until pocket-money day. I think it is only fair you pay the money back.’ Then stop the amount Tom has taken from his pocket money. It’s not harsh: if Tom is to learn, he needs to feel the effect of his negative actions, and appreciate that stealing is morally wrong.

Remember, the more rationally and consistently you deal with your child’s errant behaviour, the more readily the child will own up, accept responsibility and learn from his or her mistakes. This encourages not only honesty but a healthy, mature personality, which will see him through life. Obviously if a child persists in some serious negative behaviour – for example, stealing or bullying – then further sanctions need to be applied until the behaviour is eradicated. I’ll say more of this later in Chapter 6.

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