Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Jason Goodwin (free ebook novel .TXT) 📖

were bad children,but what is a bad child? Isn’t every child capable of goodness andlove?

We had destructive relationships, but we canstill create healthy ones in our lives today. We deserve loving,supportive, and trustworthy parents, partners, and friends.

We were emotionally abused, but we stilldeserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

Our self-esteem is in need of repair. It’stime to release our fear. As we liberate ourselves from the painand trauma of our past, we free our minds from the insanity ofemotional reasoning. We start to realize that we do not need toshame ourselves. We begin to realize our true worth.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Shame About Who I Am

In the past, I blamed myself for the abuseand believed the lies my abusers told me. They wanted to make mefeel guilty and ashamed. They tried to break me down.

At some point I began to believe their lies.I became trapped in a dismal world of self-condemnation. Over time,I started to “shame” and “guilt” myself.

My abusers worked very hard to convince methat the abuse was my fault. They told me that I was a bad childand they forced me to do things that were against my will. Overtime, I came to agree with their criticism. I started to feelashamed and guilty for all the aberrant sexual acts they forced meto perform.

When you are told over and over again thatyou are a bad person, you begin to believe it. Shame and guiltbecomes a downward spiral that destroys your self-esteem.

At some point I reached the conclusion thatthere must be some terrible defect in my character or personalitythat had caused others to sexually abuse me. I became skilled atinventing reasons for why I deserved to be abused.

But I am not to blame for what happened. Idid not deserve their abuse. I am a precious, wonderful child ofGod. I deserve to be loved, honored, supported, and treated withrespect.

Most adults never sexually abuse a child.When they get angry, they express their anger in a healthy waywithout abusing or molesting anyone. Most parents discipline theirchildren with respect.

What is it that my abusers wanted? I believethat all abusers are looking for someone to hurt with their anger.I was small and defenseless. They believed they could abuse mewithout consequence.

A couple of years ago, I married a woman whokept telling me I deserved her abuse. She criticized me on a dailybasis, and yelled at me for increasingly trivial reasons. She triedto justify her abuse by claiming that I was “always messing thingsup.”

This was the first time in my adult life Ihad been criticized or abused in this way. Had I suddenly become aworthless, incompetent, lazy, insensitive, inconsiderate, messy,loud person overnight? Or was she an abuser? Did she believe that Iwas the kind of person she could abuse? Did she see the victim inme, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse? I left the moment Irealized she would never admit to her behavior, let alone changeit. I left because I had finally had enough of being abused.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2: Shame About What I’ve Done

I feel ashamed when I hurt myself or someoneelse, because I know deep inside that abusive behavior iswrong.

I smoked cigarettes for over ten years, andwhen I quit, I experienced deep feelings of shame and guilt. Ifinally realized how much I had hurt my body and myself-esteem.

Shame feels like a heavy blanket pressingdown on top of me. It’s important to work through my shamefulfeelings. The first step is to stop blaming myself for the abuse.This shame does not belong to me. I need to come to my senses andgive this shame back to my abusers.

The second step is to stop acting in waysthat will make me feel ashamed. I cannot get past feelings of shameif I keep hurting myself with drugs and alcohol. I cannot get pastfeelings of shame if I keep acting out sexually addictivebehaviors. I cannot get past feelings of shame if I stay in abusiverelationships.

It is not realistic to believe that I canchange all of these self-destructive patterns overnight. But bycontinuing to work on myself, I will overcome them all in time.Eventually, I will feel proud of my actions, my choices, and thedirection of my life.

Process Questions

What have I felt guilty or ashamed about? DoI still carry any feelings of shame and guilt?

How does it feel to carry this shame andguilt? (Has it held me back, damaged my self-esteem, prevented mefrom developing healthy relationships, or fueled myaddictions?)

What can I do to release these feelings ofshame and guilt? If my shame or guilt comes from my own behaviors,what can I do differently from now on?

What will it take to forgive myself for thenegative behaviors of my past?

How much of this shame and guilt do I needto give back to the person or persons who abused me? Am I ready togive it back?

Chapter 12 –Depression

“Why do you stay in prison when the door isso wide open?”

-Jalal ad-Din Rumi

Depression has been described as acombination of anger and sadness. We feel hopeless when we realizethere is no way to change our past. We will never be able to goback and erase what happened to us.

Sometimes we feel depressed because we arestill in denial about the abuse. We wish we had never been abused,or that we could have prevented it somehow. For survivors of sexualabuse, thoughts and feelings of this kind are normal.

Unfortunately, we do not always express ourfeelings in a healthy way. We may manipulate others, sabotageourselves, or become trapped in self-pity. Unhealthy responses toanger and sadness can actually prolong the pain we feel.

We move towards resolution when we allowourselves to experience our feelings and come to an understandingthat the abuse was not our fault. It happens when we stop trying tochange our past. When we allow ourselves to cry, to grieve, and toexperience our sorrow. Crying is not a sign of weakness. It is asign of strength.

Sometimes our