Fifty Shames of Earl Grey: A Parody Fanny Merkin (the giving tree read aloud TXT) 📖

“Let me tell you a story,” Jin says. “In the second part of the series premiere of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, the ponies confront an angry manticore who is blocking their path. While the other ponies want to fight the beast, Fluttershy calmly approaches it and finds a thorn stuck in its paw. She shows the manticore kindness, instead of anger. After she removes the thorn, the manticore lets the ponies pass.

“If I had been more like Fluttershy and approached your boyfriend with kindness instead of threats, I might have both my testicles today,” he says. I don’t know what the hell a “manticore” is, but I get the point of his story: Jin was mad about a thorn stuck in his paw. Or something.

He diverts his gaze from the rearview mirror and looks out the window. “I cast shame on the house of bronydom that day. I haven’t been able to show my muzzle on PonyExpression. net since then,” he says, his voice full of longing and regret.

There’s an awkward pause in the conversation.

“So, uh, what’s going on between you and this Earl Grey?” Kathleen asks. Jin visibly tenses up at Earl’s name.

“I don’t know,” I say. “He says he doesn’t ‛do’ the girlfriend thing.”

“So you’re not dating? He’s just whisking you around the Pacific Northwest in his helicopter and buying up everything in his path?” Kathleen says.

“Kind of,” I say. I don’t know how much I want to say about the Dorm Room of Doom. I’m dying to talk about it with Kathleen, but not with Jin in the car.

“He sounds like a real winner,” Jin says.

“I just want you guys to give him a chance,” I say.

“If he hurts you . . .” Jin’s voice trails off.

“Getting hurt is one of the risks of any relationship,” I say. Except in this relationship, I might get tied to a Segway and pushed into traffic one day, all in the name of erotic live-action role playing. The thought of Earl Grey tying me up makes my womb grow needy with want.

“I killed the story on him for Boardroom Hotties,” Kathleen says. “I don’t want to give this guy free press. Whatever happens, just know that we have your back, okay?”

I’m surprised she’s driving; this is literally the longest I’ve ever seen her go without taking a drink or throwing up. “Thanks,” I say. “It’s nice to see you sober for a change.”

She laughs. “Oh, I’m totally wasted right now,” she says.

“Yeah,” Jin adds. “We’ve been butt chugging.”

“Do I want to know what that is?”

“Hell yes,” Kathleen says. “First, soak a tampon in vodka. And then—”

“Thanks,” I say. “I get the picture.”

“It burns, but the alcohol’s supposed to enter your bloodstream faster,” Kathleen says.

It doesn’t sound pleasant or safe. And she shouldn’t be driving. “Pull off the road. I’ll take over the wheel,” I say. I’ve never driven before, but at least I’m not drunk.

Kathleen nods, then steers the car straight off the road—and into a ravine! As the car flies down the side of the cliff toward the Pacific Ocean, we scream our last words in unison: “Aaaarrrrrghhhh!”

Chapter Seventeen

KATHLEEN’S VOLVO DIVES into the water headfirst. Jin, Kathleen, and I are trapped inside, sinking to our doom. The car’s doors are sealed tight, but it’s only a matter of time before the windows shatter under the water pressure and we all drown. We’re pretty much screwed. If only Jin was a merman instead of a brony! Kathleen has stopped screaming, but her mouth is still wide open. If we somehow survive this ordeal, I’m taking her to an AA meeting.

“We’re trapped,” Jin says, putting his weight into opening his door without success. “We’re too deep already. The pressure is too strong.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Kathleen mutters in between sobs.

“Let’s just try to conserve our oxygen,” I say.

“How? Hold our breath? Then we’ll just pass out,” Jin says.

“Do you have a better idea?” I ask. “I’m open to suggestions.”

“Yeah, how about you text your boyfriend and have him come save us,” Jin says sarcastically.

It’s actually not a bad idea. “Fine,” I say. I pull my phone out and call my not-boyfriend.

“Anna!” Earl Grey says. He’s safe in Seattle and here I am, halfway between Seattle and Portland and ten thousand leagues under the sea.

“Hey,” I say. The sound of his voice is so dreamy that I temporarily forget what I was calling him about.

“Are you okay? Did you make it back to Portland?”

“Not exactly,” I say. The car finally hits the ocean floor. The clock is ticking.

“Are you in trouble?”

“Yes,” I say, a little embarrassed. I’m always getting into trouble and asking Earl to save me. As if he doesn’t have anything better to do with his day! “I’m kind of stuck in a car on the bottom of the ocean with Kathleen and Jin.”

“I’ll be there soon,” he says. “Hold tight. Whatever you do, don’t die.”

“Okay,” I say. I’m not sure if that’s the sort of thing you can promise a lover, but I’ll do my best.

I hang up the phone. “He’s on his way,” I tell Kathleen and Jin.

Two hours later, we’re back on dry land. Kathleen’s Volvo is totaled. We survived the accident, thanks to Earl Grey, who drained the Pacific Ocean to save us.

Earl drapes his jacket around me. He’s dressed in his button-down shirt and smiley-face tie again, and looks as handsome and dashing as ever. I want him to bend me over and take me on the beach, but it would be kind of awkward with Kathleen and Jin sitting in his helicopter waiting for us.

“You’re one lucky girl,” Earl says.

“I’m the luckiest girl,” I say. “I have you.”

He shakes his head. “You never cease to amaze me, Anna.”

“I shouldn’t have left you,” I say, lowering my head. I don’t want to see the disappointment in his eyes.

He puts a hand under my chin and gently tilts my face up toward him. “It’s okay,” he says,