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but you’re not going to speak to me like that. It doesn’t help and you know I don’t have swearing.’ This lets Tom know you have recognised his hurt and anger but that the foundations of his life are reassuringly unaltered. The same applies to bedtimes, mealtimes, homework – in fact all the boundaries and expectations you had before the bereavement. What wasn’t acceptable behaviour before the bereavement still isn’t.

It is worth noting that a child may be greatly affected (more so than an adult) by the news of the death of someone they weren’t particularly close to – for example, a distant relative, a child at school, someone who knows someone or even a pet. Children are in the early stages of coming to terms with the concept of mortality and the finality of death (it’s an on-going process throughout life), and can be affected far more than we might realise by such news.

I was once taken completely off guard when I had a phone call from my son’s school saying he had been put in detention after being very rude to a teacher. When he came home, somewhat subdued, it took me most of the evening to discover what was wrong. His pet hamster, Gerry, had died the night before and while he hadn’t said much to me at the time, I’d assumed he was all right. We’d had many pets and had therefore experienced them dying before but he’d suddenly felt the need to confide the passing of Gerry to his best friend in the middle of RE. The teacher had asked what was so pressing that he had to talk when she was, and he’d told her it was none of her business and was put in detention. While I sympathised with him, and said we should have talked about Gerry, I also said he shouldn’t have been rude to the teacher. He was fourteen at the time and had tears in his eyes as he said how he wished pets didn’t have to die.

Divorce or separation

A child’s parents divorcing or separating is a form of bereavement. A loved one is no longer living in the same house, and although the child will probably be seeing the estranged parent, it is still a huge loss. Parents divorcing or separating has an even greater potential than bereavement to adversely affect a child’s behaviour. Not only is the absent parent no longer part of the child’s daily life, and therefore the disciplining process, but a child can easily exploit any (probably acrimonious) gap between the parents, playing one off against the other. Added to which the parent with custody will be having to make many adjustments and compromises as he or she struggles to come to terms with their new single-parent status and being solely responsible for running the house, paying the bills, child-care arrangements, etc.

Whenever possible, try to put the differences you have with your estranged partner aside and when it comes to managing your children’s behaviour enlist their help and present a united front. I know it won’t be easy (I’ve been there myself), but for the sake of your child or children, and not just their behaviour, make it a priority. If your ex has a new partner, try to bring him or her on board. It will be very confusing for your child, with the potential for the child to manipulate all of you, if there is one set of rules in one house and another set, or no rules at all, in the other.

If your child is behaving unacceptably as a result of his or her sadness and anger at your divorce, and you are becoming increasingly frustrated by the little improvement he or she seems to be making, then pick up the phone and discuss your concerns with your ex, or arrange to meet your ex and his or her partner. The chances are your ex will be experiencing similar negative behaviour from the child when he or she visits. You can talk about the strategies you are using, and the standard of behaviour you are trying to achieve. Enlisting the help of your ex to establish some common ground rules will also go some way to smoothing the possibly strained relationship that exists between you.

When the parent without custody has the children, the ‘Father Christmas syndrome’ often kicks in, with the absent parent giving outings, treats and presents, and being loath to discipline the children for fear of spoiling the little time they have together. Often the parent with custody has to work that much harder to keep the children on course. But remember that, as with bereavement, what wasn’t acceptable behaviour before your divorce still isn’t.

Redundancy

A parent losing their job will have a huge effect on the household, including any children. As with any family crisis, it has the potential to affect your child’s behaviour. Even if you try to shield your child, he or she will soon sense your worries, and become anxious, which may well come out in their behaviour. It is therefore essential to keep the boundaries and expectations in place, with the emphasis on reassuring your child.

Talk to your child about what has happened – ‘Daddy is at home a lot because he is looking for another job,’ or ‘Mummy is very quiet because she is upset at having to find another place to work.’ You will very likely have had a dramatic drop in income with redundancy, and it’s OK to explain to your child that money is short, without offloading on him or her how bad the situation really is – ‘Claire, I’m afraid you won’t be able to have the new designer trainers/iPod/piano lessons at present, as we are having to be careful with money.’ Only confide in your child what is age appropriate: otherwise the child will fret and worry about something over which he or she has no control – i.e. the parent finding work. Despite