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teach the art of negotiation, which is required throughout life. But if your children go at it ‘hammer and tongs’ as soon as you leave the room, as well as draining your resources and creating a hostile atmosphere, it can make disciplining them more difficult. The techniques described in this book for guiding one child to acceptable behaviour can be successfully applied to siblings, but must be applied equally and fairly to all the children – natural, adopted, fostered and step. Much sibling rivalry stems from one child believing he or she is less important than another.

Reasons children fight

The reasons why siblings behave unacceptably and fight between themselves can be grouped as follows:

*  Favouritism: a child feels a sibling (or siblings) receives more time and attention or is disciplined less, and is therefore loved more by the parents.

*  Jealousy: a child is jealous of a new arrival – baby or stepbrother/sister.

*  Physical factors: children who are bored, hungry or tired are more likely to become fractious and fight.

*  Resentment: a child feels worthless when their achievements are compared to those of a sibling.

*  Discipline: in families where there is little routine, poor boundaries and control, children are more likely to bicker and fight.

*  Attention: siblings who are not given enough attention, either together or individually, are more likely to resort to bad behaviour to gain attention.

*  Example: if parents argue and fight, the children will too.

*  Unfair responsibility: if an older child is asked to take on too much responsibility for parenting younger children, resentment can build up.

Dos and don’ts of parenting siblings

Here are the golden rules for creating a positive environment in which all the children in the family feel valued. If each child feels recognised and valued as an individual (as an only child would feel), there will be less likelihood of resentment building and spilling out into anger, towards other siblings or the parents.

Don’t compare your children with each other. Comments such as ‘Tom always clears up his room/does his homework. Why don’t you, Claire?’ will build up resentment more quickly than anything.

Don’t label a child – ‘Tom has always been difficult/Claire’s very self-centred’: the label will stick.

Don’t give an older child too much responsibility for another child: both children will resent it.

Don’t have favourites or show favouritism, no matter how difficult one child is being.

Don’t tell your daughter you were hoping for a son, or vice versa.

Don’t make fun of a child in front of siblings or employ siblings to side with you when disciplining – ‘Isn’t Tom’s behaviour silly, Claire?’, won’t help your discipline, your relationship with Tom or Tom and Claire’s relationship with each other.

Don’t tell your children that their behaviour is uncontrollable, either individually or as a group, – ‘I don’t know what to do with you all!’ will seem to them like an achievement and engender more negative behaviour.

Do treat all children as individuals and equals; if you are prone to favouritism, keep a check on it.

Do spend one-to-one time with each child, as well as spending time with the children all together.

Do spend time each day playing with the children so that they can see you having fun with them. It doesn’t have to be long if you are over-stretched – a board game, painting or game of catch in the garden works wonders for team building.

Do eat dinner together at the table every evening.

Do listen to, talk to and discuss with each child individually as well as with the children altogether.

Do have regular family outings. They don’t have to be expensive – a trip to the park to feed the ducks with stale bread is just as valuable an experience as an expensive visit to a theme park.

They won’t all be good at everything, but all will be good at something.

Do guide and discipline your children, using the 3Rs, equally and fairly, all the time. If it’s not OK for Tom to slurp his drink at the table on Monday, Claire needs to be told about not slurping her drink when she does it on Wednesday. And if teenage Tom has to be in at nine o’clock and has £10 pocket money, so too does Claire.

CHAPTER SIX

Difficult Children

Turning around a Difficult Child

There is a growing feeling in most Western societies that, with each new generation, children are becoming increasingly self-centred, demanding and out of control, and that we are heading for disaster. The current generation is often depicted as being rich in material comforts but deficient in empathy and respect for others, including their parents. Criminal damage by minors is on the increase, with the age of the offenders getting younger – in 2006, 3,000 children in the UK below the age of ten were ‘arrested’ for serious offences.

Post-war liberal parenting – where parents have been encouraged to take their cues from the child as the child knew best, and discipline was a dirty word – is often held responsible for this deterioration. Although no one would want to return to the Victorian ‘children should be seen and not heard’ dictum, without doubt many parents are now suffering from the effect of a too liberal style of child rearing, which had few boundaries and left the parents feeling guilty for correcting their child. As parents we naturally want to do our best for our children and follow professional advice. It is only with hindsight that we can view our oversights and mistakes.

Although you can’t turn back the clock and make your child a baby and start all over again physically, you can change unacceptable behaviour – by setting clear and consistent boundaries, using the 3Rs. Many of the children I have fostered have come to me with appalling behaviour and I have successfully wiped clean the slate and started again. Even if your child is not completely out of control but there is a lot of room for improvement, this chapter is for you.

Is your child out of control?

So what constitutes behavioural difficulties or a