Here Be Dragons - 1 Sharon Penman (paper ebook reader .TXT) 📖

de Braose clan, four times I""You said you understood why, understood I was acting for Gwynedd's good."She nodded. "And I did understand. But. . . but I think I needed just oncefor you to put me first. When you did not, I was hurt. .. and aggrieved. More thanI knew. I truly thought my anger was over, quenched. But there were embers still smoldering, and I can see now that they fueled our quarrels.Unacknowledged anger acts like flint to tinder, can spark fires where we least expect them."Llewelyn shoved his chair back. "What are you saying? That your anger led you into adultery?"Joanna rose as he did, hastened around the table toward him. "No, that is not what I am saying. I did not take a lover to spite you. Does that sound like me?"Her eyes were riveted upon his face, eyes full of entreaty. As he looked into those eyes, his mouth softened. "No," he admitted. "No .. it does not.""I did not knowingly act upon that anger, Llewelyn. That I swear to you upon the surety of my soul. Nor did I ever seek to justify my infidelity by tallying up grievances of my own. I knew from the beginning that there was no justification for what I was doing. But I am trying to be honest with you, honest with myself . . . and I'll never be sure I did not unwittingly let that resentment taint my judgment, my"She stopped abruptly, for he was shaking his head. "Since that is not a question you can ever answer, Joanna, what point is there in dwelling upon it?Can you not see the folly in holding yourself accountable for thoughts you are not even sure you had?"The corner of his mouth quirked; it was only a phantom, fleeting shadow of the smile that could invariably catch at her heart, but it w still a smile, and she responded to it. It seemed almost miraculous to

677that they could be talking together like this, without rancor or recriminations, and she hesitated to say or do anything to jeopardize this fragile, astonishing accord. But she had to know."Llewelyn . . . why have you not yet divorced me?"He looked at her, saying nothing. She reached out; her hand brushed his sleeve. "Will you tell me this, then? Will you tell me what you mean to do?""Until tonight," he said, "I did not know.""And now?"But even as she spoke, the storm broke. A sudden gust of wind blew the shutter back, quenching candles and scattering her letters about the floor. Rain was slanting in through the window, and they both flinched as thunder cracked directly overhead.They exchanged startled looks, and then sheepish smiles. "Christ, but that one was close," Llewelyn said, and moved hastily to relatch the shutter whileJoanna gathered up her letters, sought to comfort her cowering spaniel."Llewelyn, stay here tonight. Please do not attempt a crossing of the strait in weather this vile.""All right.""You mean it? You'll stay?"He shrugged, gestured toward the window. "What choice do I have?"Joanna nodded slowly. "Yes," she echoed, "what choice?" More fool she, to read so much into his ready assent; what else could he do, in truth? "Llewelyn, there is something I must say to you. I'd not blame you if you did not believe me, but I must say it all the same. I love you. I've loved you since the summer of my fifteenth year, and divorce will not change that. Nothing will."He stood very still, for one of the few times in his life at a loss for words, troubled in no small measure to realize how much he wanted to believe her.I°ANNA awoke sometime before dawn. The chamber was dark, but the hearth log still burned. Taking care not to disturb Llewelyn, she rose from the bed. He did not stir, not even when she settled down beside tooi again, having placed a candle in one of the headboard niches. His "Bathing was even, deep. He seemed to have shed years in his sleep, and looked so peaceful that she found herself blinking back tears.If not for the fact that they were still clothed, this could have been °ne of a thousand nights she and Llewelyn had passed in this bedCamber, in this bed.But it would be the last. Come morning he would

678awaken, arise, and walk out of the bedchamber, out of her life. She had two, mayhap three hours at most.Leaning over, she drew the coverlets up around his shoulders. How had he been able to fall asleep so easily? She'd lain awake for hours That was not an uncommon experience for her; there'd been many a night in these past months when her body's cravings had banished sleep, when memories of their lovemaking would set her to trembling The needs of the flesh were not always easy to subordinate to enforced involuntary chastity, and she was finding it increasingly difficult to be so tantalizingly close to Llewelyn now, to be sharing his bed but not his embrace.His lashes flickered; opening his eyes, he looked up at her. As always, she marveled at his ability to shift so smoothly from sleep to wakeful alertness;his dark eyes showed no disorientation, no surprise at sight of her. "Is it dawn?" he asked, and she shook her head."No, not yet. Go back to sleep."He raised up on his elbow, glanced upward. "Why the candle?"Color crept into her cheeks, but she gave him an honest answer. "I wanted to watch you."His mouth curved. "It is not sporting to watch a man whilst he sleeps."Pushing the pillow back against the headboard, he regarded her in silence for several moments. "It ought to feel strange, waking up beside you after so many months. But it does not feel strange at all, feels very natural.""I'm glad," she said rather breathlessly, "so glad you came." He had yet to take his eyes from her face, and her color was deepening. "Do you know now what you will do