At First Sight Hannah Sunderland (free e books to read online txt) 📖

It took a moment for Ned’s words to make sense, like liquid slowly seeping through sand. I gasped and held a hand to my mouth, my eyes turning to Charlie. ‘It was you?’

Charlie was looking down at the floor, almost embarrassed.

‘You wanted to kill yourself?’ I asked, panicking at the thought of a world without Charlie in it.

He looked up, eyes reddened and slick with moisture. ‘I did.’

‘Why?’ I asked.

‘Let’s tackle one thing at a time,’ Ned said, holding up a protective hand.

‘I couldn’t cope. Something really bad had happened and I didn’t know what to do to make it any better. The only thing I remember thinking was that if I couldn’t stop myself from feeling the bad things, that I’d just have to stop myself feeling anything at all, forever. So, I went to the clock tower and I was about to jump, when I chickened out and threw myself backwards instead. I landed on the floor and that’s when I saw the sticker.’

‘The clock tower at the town hall? What sticker?’ I paused and took a breath, my lungs burning in my chest.

‘Yeah. There’s this sticker at the top with the number for the helpline on. I took it as a sign and called it and that’s how I met Ned.’

‘I had no idea it was him until Charlie mentioned the helpline when we were chatting in the kitchen and I put two and two together,’ Ned said.

‘So, it was never about your uncle at all?’ I asked.

He shook his head.

‘And when you called me,’ I said, taking a step closer to Charlie. ‘Were you planning on trying a second time?’

He met my eyes and, slowly, he nodded.

He wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his jumper and sniffled loudly. ‘So, do yer think I’m a nutjob now? Shall I let myself out?’

My breaths whistled in and out of my nose at rapid speed, my heart beating so fast that it sounded like a rocket ship about to take off. My feet were moving forward before I even thought to move them and in a second, I had reached him, my arms wrapping around him and pulling him to my chest.

I felt him sob once or twice, then stop himself, as if he was frightened to show this much emotion.

‘That’s why I’ve been all over the place. I’m sorry I dragged yer into it.’ He sniffed into the curve of my neck. ‘I’d put everythin’ in order; I’d made peace with it. I was ninety-nine per cent sure that it was what I wanted, then I met yer and I felt something that I thought I’d never feel again. It gave me hope, I guess, and then I wasn’t so sure anymore.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I asked.

‘It’s not like it’s good date talk, Nell. No one talks about this kinda thing until it’s already happened and I didn’t want yer thinkin’ I was mental.’

‘Charlie.’ I pulled away and held him at arm’s length. ‘This doesn’t make you crazy. Being sad doesn’t make you crazy. I work at a fricking mental health charity, you idiot. I’m pretty much the most understanding person you could have chosen.’

He chuckled, though his tears were still falling.

‘Just because it’s not talked about, doesn’t meant that it shouldn’t be.’

‘See, I told you she’d understand.’ Ned’s voice made me jump. I’d forgotten he was there in all the drama.

I suddenly understood Charlie’s skittish behaviour, his rapid changes in mood, his disappearing acts.

‘How’re you feeling now?’ I asked nervously.

‘Don’t worry, I’m not gonna stick my head in yer oven or smother myself with scatter cushions.’

‘That is very good to hear,’ I said, moving toward him and pulling him into another hug. I wanted him close with my protective arms around him to keep him safe.

He cleared his throat of emotion, the sound loud in my ear. ‘Ned said this thing to me when I called him a couple of years back and it’s stuck with me ever since.’

I felt Ned bristle with pride beside me. ‘Oh yeah and what was that particular pearl of wisdom?’ I asked.

‘He said “it’s the moment you think you can’t, that you realise you can” and right now, I feel like I can.’

I felt the weight of an arm land on my shoulder as Ned joined the hug.

‘Ned?’ I asked.

‘Uh-huh?’

‘That wouldn’t happen to be a Celine Dion quote, would it?’

‘Yes, Nell. Yes, it would.’

I closed the oven door and stood with my back resting against the counter, paused as my brain tried to catch up with everything.

It was awful to even contemplate, but I couldn’t help wonder how different things would have gone if I’d taken a packed lunch that day instead of going to the café or if Caleb hadn’t been late and I’d gone home on time instead of being forced to stay longer to cover him.

I guess it was flattering, knowing that someone had spent twenty minutes talking with me and he’d decided to stay alive because of it, because I’d given him hope of something beyond his sadness. But there was a pressure in my chest now that hadn’t been there before. What if I didn’t live up to the hope? What if I bored him and he decided that falling face first into concrete from a great height was a more appealing option than talking to me for a moment longer?

What if I was only postponing the inevitable and setting myself up for a hurt like no other? I just knew that from now on I was going to be the girlfriend equivalent of a helicopter parent, but I wasn’t even his girlfriend. Oh God this was all so confusing and I was already nervous, even with him only in the next room.

The sound of the doorbell ringing cut through my thoughts.

‘Ned, could you get that?’ I called down the hall, as I popped the cap from my second bottle of Peroni and grabbed two