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should no longer be tolerated. Deal with it immediately by warning, and then apply a sanction if Jack persists.

Interrupting and talking over

If Jack interrupts or talks over you, stop what you are trying to say and address the interruption. Answering back and talking over someone else are forms of dominance and control and have no place when a child is conversing with an adult. You often see adults – teachers, parents, carers, relatives and friends of parents – stopping something they were saying as a child interrupts and talks over them, not realising what is happening.

If your child does this, say firmly – ‘Jack, I am talking. Please don’t interrupt. You can have your say in a moment when I have finished.’ Then continue with what you were saying prior to Jack’s interruption. When you have finished, turn to Jack and say, ‘Now, what was it you wanted to say?’ The chances are that, if Jack was using interrupting as a means of control, he won’t have anything to say now he has been given the platform to speak. A child interrupting or talking over you (in the context of challenging behaviour) is about dominating the situation and you, rather than airing a genuine point of view. You may find you are in the habit of accepting such behaviour as the norm; don’t any longer – it isn’t acceptable and will do nothing for your status as a parent or adult.

I have fostered many children with very challenging behaviour who used talking over me as a means of control. One ten-year-old boy I looked after would start to speak loudly each and every time I began to talk. Not only was it disrespectful, but the child couldn’t hear what I was saying and therefore had no idea what I had just asked him to do. He came from a family where everyone shouted the whole time and never listened to what anyone else was saying. After a very short time of living with me he found that if he listened to what I was saying he would know what to do, which earned him praise, and also that when he spoke, everyone listened to what he had to say.

Selfishness

If you find that your child continually satisfies his or her own needs to the exclusion of others’ (including yours and your partner’s) – for example, by grabbing or pushing in first – you will need to deal with each and every instance, as this is another form of control. It may sound like hard work, but politeness, taking turns and being aware of others’ feelings is relatively painless for a child to master and can easily earn your praise. For example, tell your child when it is their sibling’s turn in a game or to watch their favourite television programme; or that he or she has to play quietly in the early morning when their father is on night shift, as he needs to sleep.

This is about making a child aware that others have needs and feelings separate from theirs, which must be respected and accommodated. Explain to your child the needs of others as they arise, and demonstrate through action. Request – ‘I’m sorry, Jack, I’ve just sat down to read the paper. If you can’t find your toy lorry, play with something else. I’ll help you look for it later.’ If Jack persists, whining and whinging that he needs his lorry now, Repeat what you have said, then Reaffirm with the sanction. If necessary, exaggerate and elevate your own needs and feelings or those of a sibling until the balance is corrected.

Being aware of, and sensitive to, the needs of others is fundamental to being an emotional healthy child and adult. A child who is self-centred and continually demanding (especially if this behaviour is combined with other challenging behaviour) is not only exhausting for the parent but unfair to siblings. Left uncorrected the child is likely to become a selfish and manipulative adult who believes others are there purely to satisfy his or her own needs – the prisons are full of such people.

Throwing things

If your child automatically resorts to throwing things when they are angry or don’t get their own way, make him or her pick up the objects. I’ve fostered many children who throw things in anger, often because their parents do. Indeed it is surprising just how many otherwise responsible adults resort to hurling objects when angry or upset; make sure you’re not one of them. Throwing things not only causes breakages to property but is also very dangerous to others, and is indicative of the person being out of control. While a soft toy is unlikely to do any real harm if thrown, a sharp or heavy object will. If a child picks up something ready to throw, tell them to put it down and then move swiftly to remove it from them.

One child I fostered, who regularly threw things at school, was never stopped, as the school operated a policy (in line with many schools) of no physical intervention because of the worry of being sued by parents. The child had long since stopped throwing things at home with me, after the first two incidents where I had taken away his ammunition and imposed a sanction. However, at school the child had learned that he could hold an entire class to ransom by picking up something heavy and threatening to throw it. After one particularly nasty incident when he threw a compass, which narrowly missed a child’s face, and where the teacher had had time to intervene, I persuaded the school to physically stop him the next time he did such a thing and impose a sanction, reassuring them that I wouldn’t sue. They did, and the child never threw anything again, having lost face in front of the whole class.

Throwing, or threatening to throw an object, together with