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extra time for this to happen. If Jack discovers that by prevaricating he can get out of doing what you have asked, it won’t take long for him to use this as a technique for managing (i.e. manipulating) your behaviour. Allow extra time so that you can see through your Requests and expectations and deal with any negative behaviour. For example, if the mornings produce challenges and refusals it may be that you have to get up earlier on a school morning.

Progress

Your new order and routine will gradually become easier over the first few days, as little by little your child understands what is expected of him or her and responds. To begin with you will be continually Requesting, Repeating and Reaffirming, and applying sanctions as necessary. If it feels and sounds like a ‘boot camp’ in your house to begin with, that is no bad thing. You can’t go on as you have been with Jack marching along the road to delinquency and you dreading each new day.

I am aware that if a stranger overheard me in the first two weeks talking to a child with very challenging behaviour and whom I am turning around, they would probably think me very harsh and uncaring. Nothing could be further from the truth: it is because I care that I stop everything else to concentrate on that child’s behaviour. Boundaries are a sign of caring, one that the child will soon recognise. The child doesn’t want to be out of control any more than you, the parent (or carer), wants the child to be. It is a very unsafe and frightening place for a child; control without responsibility is internal mayhem, not harmony.

As in the example of Jack not coming for dinner when called, you should use the same approach to all your Requests – if Jack needs to do something, then he has to do it. Likewise, if you Request Jack to stop doing something (negative), then he stops. Remember, this is a child whose behaviour is unacceptable and you need to get him or her back on track fast, for the good of not only the child but the family and society at large.

Prioritise and insist on politeness

During the first two weeks choose only the Requests that are essential, i.e. those on your priority list – for example, not shouting, swearing or kicking and leave the more minor Requests – for example, for Jack to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket – until you have gained Jack’s cooperation. In addition to Jack now doing everything you have Requested, insist on politeness, respect and cooperation at all times. It will undermine your progress if you allow your child to swear at you even if he or she has done as you have asked. So as you turn around your child and make good his or her negative behaviour, keep an eye on the larger picture. If his or her comment, tone or manner isn’t respectful, correct it – ‘Excuse me, Jack, you don’t use that word here.’

The ‘larger picture’ includes the following, none of which you should now tolerate.

Rudeness and aggression

You should no longer tolerate rudeness or aggression of any description, so correct all instances each and every time they arise. If Jack, for example, calls you names, swears or tries to kick you, move away and Request in a very firm and indignant voice, ‘No Jack! You do not do that. Ever. Stop it now. Do you understand me?’ If he doesn’t stop, impose a sanction. If Jack shouts or swears, stop him immediately, telling him what he has done wrong – ‘Jack, you do not use that word/shout’ – and if he ignores your Request, Repeat and impose the sanction.

Being demanding

If Jack demands rather than asks, he will have probably been doing it for years, and you will have been reinforcing Jack’s attitude by meeting his demands. It has become a habit for him that produces results, but not any longer.

Stop him as he demands something and tell him the correct way to ask, as it won’t necessarily be obvious to Jack – ‘Jack, you say “Can I have an ice cream, please?” Not “I want one!"’ Don’t give Jack the ice cream (or whatever it is) until he has asked properly, and then praise him – ‘Good boy, Jack. That was polite. Which flavour would you like?’ Do not enter into conversation with your child if he or she is shouting and demanding: it’s demeaning for you and reduces you to the same level as the child whose behaviour you are correcting.

If your child continues to shout and demand, move away from him or her, thus imposing quiet time, until he or she is calmer and can be spoken to rationally. All your conversations with Jack should be calm, and the dialogue spoken in a calm, even and respectful voice.

Impudence

If Jack is impudent – for example, by covering his ears or making loud noises so that he can’t hear you when you are trying to chastise him – don’t shout over the noise or prise his hands away from his ears, but ignore him until he has stopped the noise or lowered his hands, and then approach him. If he does it again as soon as you start talking, move away again and impose a sanction. Such behaviour is rude and disrespectful and you should not tolerate it. Later, when Jack is receptive, explain why you have imposed the sanction – because his behaviour was rude and unacceptable.

If you have been putting up with such behaviour for a long time, it will take a number of instances before the behaviour is corrected, but it will change quickly when Jack realises his method of behaving is no longer successful. Remember to praise Jack when he gets it right – ‘Well done, you listened nicely while I was talking.’

Likewise answering back when you are disciplining Jack is very rude and disrespectful and