An American Tragedy Theodore Dreiser (whitelam books .TXT) 📖

broken and collapsed now that he was here to die⁠—sitting for the most part all day on his cot, his head in his hands. Clyde could see both now from where he stood⁠—the Jew holding his head. But the Negro on his cot, one leg above the other, smoking⁠—and singing⁠—

“Oh, big wheel ro-a-lin’⁠ ⁠… hmp!
Oh, big wheel ro-a-lin’⁠ ⁠… hmp!
Oh, big wheel ro-a-lin’⁠ ⁠… hmp!
Foh me! Foh me!”

And then Clyde, unable to get away from his own thoughts, turning again.

Condemned to die! He. And this was the end as to Sondra. He could feel it. Farewell. “Although she is never to see you again.” He threw himself on his couch⁠—not to weep but to rest⁠—he felt so weary. Lycurgus. Fourth Lake. Bear Lake. Laughter⁠—kisses⁠—smiles. What was to have been in the fall of the preceding year. And now⁠—a year later.

But then⁠—that young Jew. There was some religious chant into which he fell when his mental tortures would no longer endure silence. And oh, how sad. Many of the prisoners had cried out against it. And yet, oh, how appropriate now, somehow.

“I have been evil. I have been unkind. I have lied. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have been unfaithful. My heart has been wicked. I have joined with those who have done evil things. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have stolen. I have been false. I have been cruel! Oh! Oh! Oh!”

And the voice of Big Tom Rooney sentenced for killing Thomas Tighe, a rival for the hand of an underworld girl. “For Christ’s sake! I know you feel bad. But so do I. Oh, for God’s sake, don’t do that!”

Clyde, on his cot, his thoughts responding rhythmically to the chant of the Jew⁠—and joining with him silently⁠—“I have been evil. I have been unkind. I have lied. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have been unfaithful. My heart has been wicked. I have joined with those who have done evil things. Oh! Oh! Oh! I have been false. I have been cruel. I have sought to murder. Oh! Oh! Oh! And for what? A vain⁠—impossible dream! Oh! Oh! Oh!⁠ ⁠… Oh! Oh! Oh!⁠ ⁠…”

When the guard, an hour later, placed his supper on the shelf in the door, he made no move. Food! And when the guard returned in another thirty minutes, there it was, still untouched, as was the Jew’s⁠—and was taken away in silence. Guards knew when blue devils had seized the inmates of these cages. They couldn’t eat. And there were times, too, when even guards couldn’t eat.

XXXIII

The depression resulting even after two days was apparent to the Reverend McMillan, who was concerned to know why. More recently, he had been led to believe by Clyde’s manner, his visits, if not the fact that the totality of his preachments, had not been greeted with as much warmth as he would have liked, that by degrees Clyde was being won to his own spiritual viewpoint. With no little success, as it had seemed to him, he had counseled Clyde as to the folly of depression and despair. “What! Was not the peace of God within his grasp and for the asking. To one who sought God and found Him, as he surely would, if he sought, there could be no sorrow, but only joy. ‘Hereby know we that we dwell in Him, and He in us, because He hath given us of His spirit.’ ” So he preached or read⁠—until finally⁠—two weeks after receiving the letter from Sondra and because of the deep depression into which he had sunk on account of it, Clyde was finally moved to request of him that he try to induce the warden to allow him to be taken to some other cell or room apart from this room or cell which seemed to Clyde to be filled with too many of his tortured thoughts, in order that he might talk with him and get his advice. As he told the Reverend McMillan, he did not appear to be able to solve his true responsibility in connection with all that had so recently occurred in his life, and because of which he seemed not to be able to find that peace of mind of which McMillan talked so much. Perhaps⁠ ⁠… —there must be something wrong with his viewpoint. Actually he would like to go over the offense of which he was convicted and see if there was anything wrong in his understanding of it. He was not so sure now. And McMillan, greatly stirred⁠—an enormous spiritual triumph, this⁠—as he saw it⁠—the true reward of faith and prayer, at once proceeding to the warden, who was glad enough to be of service in such a cause. And he permitted the use of one of the cells in the old death house for as long as he should require, and with no guard between himself and Clyde⁠—one only remaining in the general hall outside.

And there Clyde began the story of his relations with Roberta and Sondra. Yet because of all that had been set forth at the trial, merely referring to most of the evidence⁠—apart from his defense⁠—the change of heart, as so; afterwards dwelling more particularly on the fatal adventure with Roberta in the boat. Did the Reverend McMillan⁠—because of the original plotting⁠—and hence the original intent⁠—think him guilty?⁠—especially in view of his obsession over Sondra⁠—all his dreams in regard to her⁠—did that truly constitute murder? He was asking this because, as he said, it was as he had done⁠—not as his testimony at the trial had indicated that he had done. It was a lie that he had experienced a change of heart. His attorneys had counseled that defense as best, since they did not feel that he was guilty, and had thought that plan the quickest route to liberty. But it was a lie. In connection with his mental state also there in the boat, before and after her rising and attempting to come to him⁠—and that blow, and after⁠—he had not told the truth