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will cause resentment more quickly than anything, and guarantee the retort, ‘You can’t tell me what to do. You’re not my real mum/dad.’

Observe

Spend time observing and understanding how your partner guides and corrects his or her children – what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. You may be surprised to find that although you thought you knew your partner very well, now that you are living together you discover you have different views in respect of correcting and disciplining children. Don’t be tempted to jump in and criticise – ‘I wouldn’t let any daughter of mine go out dressed like that.’ Your partner won’t appreciate your criticism and neither will your stepdaughter.

Wait on the sidelines, be supportive of your partner and when you have a better understanding of how the family dynamics work, raise any matters of concern with your partner when the two of you are alone. Clearly, if you are to be a successful parenting team you and your partner must agree on the ground rules and guidelines for the children’s behaviour, but don’t be over-zealous in the early months when you are all settling into the new family.

Don’t criticise the other parent

Don’t ever be tempted to criticise your stepchild’s estranged parent in front of the child – not even a flippant aside or joke about their lack of parenting skills or discipline. If, say, your stepson arrives back from spending time with his father as high as a kite on fizzy drink and junk food, hide your disapproval; otherwise it will put your stepson on the defensive and provoke him into loyally protecting his father, making you the bad guy.

Also discourage your partner from criticising his or her ex’s parenting skills and discipline in front of the child. It is confusing and upsetting for a child who has just returned from a great day out with an absent parent to find that the experience falls short of your and your partner’s ideals. In a perfect world both sets of parents will be working from the same rules in respect of guiding and disciplining the children, but if not, you will just have to ‘hold your tongue’, pick up the pieces and resettle your stepchild back into you and your partner’s household.

Use what works

If your stepchildren are well behaved and come into your stepfamily with a clear routine and boundaries for acceptable behaviour, be grateful, and don’t seek to change what is working. The maxim ‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it’ can be applied very well here. Step-parents often feel the need to make their mark, their stamp of approval, on their stepchildren; don’t. If the guidelines for good behaviour are already in place and working, then run with them, even if they are not the way you would have done it if you had started with a blank canvas. A step-parent doesn’t start with a blank canvas; the rules will have come from the union of your partner and his or her ex. So be prepared for ‘My dad says I should/my dad lets me/my dad says it’s not good’ etc. Embrace what is already working and you may find that in years to come your stepchild opts for your way of doing something as an informed choice.

Prepare to be tested

Be prepared to be challenged and tested in the early months of being a step-parent, even if your stepchildren are accommodating and well behaved. The formation of a new stepfamily is always difficult emotionally for children, and even more so if it has necessitated moving house, with the loss of friends and familiarity. It is only natural that your stepchildren will hold you, as the step-parent, partly to blame for their upheaval and loss. Children take time to adapt to change and this change was not of their making, and indeed something they had no control over.

Discuss with your partner the guidelines for good behaviour you need to put in place while the new household settles, and obviously be consistent and united. Be prepared for a transition stage where you as the stepparent are tested. Testing is about reassurance, and your stepchildren will be greatly reassured when they have tested you and found you and your principles reliable, consistent, caring and upholding their values.

If they’re out of control

If you inherit stepchildren who are out of control, then you and your partner need to put in place a routine and boundaries very quickly, or else the situation will deteriorate. Decide with your partner what issues need addressing, and call a family meeting. At the meeting, let your partner do most of the talking. Reassure the children that you both appreciate that they have had a lot to contend with recently with all the changes, but tell them that you have concerns about their behaviour, and are introducing a routine and some basic house rules. Explain the routine and rules and how they will help all family members; then put them in place.

You will probably have a ‘rocky ride’ for the first few weeks as the children adjust, but as with all challenging behaviour, time invested now will pay big rewards later. As the children’s natural parent your partner should take the lead in instigating the new routine and rules for good behaviour, but be right beside him or her, reinforcing and upholding the discipline. A working routine, acceptable behaviour and respect from the children to both you and your partner are crucial, not only for the well-being of your stepchildren but for the stability and success of the family unit.

Bonding and fairness

Obviously spend time talking to your stepchildren and be receptive to what they tell you. You may be pleasantly surprised to find just how mature they can be, given the opportunity to express themselves. In addition to family outings and activities, find a hobby or pursuit that you can do on a one-to-one basis with your stepchild – for example, fishing, tennis or chess – which will encourage bonding