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child is used to. Not only will this familiarity help settle the child into your home, but it will encourage a smooth transition when the child returns to live with his or her parents.

All children will become unsettled to some degree by living away from home, even if it is to stay with doting grandparents or a kindly aunt, and the child may be quieter than usual, or even withdrawn. Reassure the child by answering any questions he or she may have about their parents’ absence, and keep the child happily occupied and in company – a child who is alone, with little to occupy them, is more likely to brood and fret. Some children will show separation anxiety through their behaviour: for example, the darling grandson whose usual visits on alternate Sundays you cherish may suddenly turn into a demanding, whining and confrontational horror when he comes to stay with you for a week. Reassure him, but be firm, continuing with the boundaries and guidelines his parents have put in place, using the 3Rs.

If necessary, add reasonable boundaries and guidelines of your own, which apply in your house. It is quite acceptable to say, ‘Tom, I’m sorry, I know you’re allowed to [do whatever it is] at home, but I’m afraid you can’t here,’ and explain why. Your home is different from Tom’s and it is reasonable that there will be some differences in routine and expectations; Tom won’t expect everything to be the same.

Don’t allow Tom (or Claire) to flaunt the rules, even if their stay is short. Doing so will make it more difficult for you to revive your rules on any subsequent stay the child might make, and is also unhelpful to the parents, who will suffer the consequences of the drop in the standard of behaviour when the child returns to them. Ensure that the boundaries for good behaviour remain in place, using the 3Rs, and not only will the child respect you but the parents will be grateful that their child has returned to them with the same good behaviour as when they left.

Even if the child is only living with you for a ‘one-off’ short period, correct behaviour is important – a week will seem like an eternity if the child is out of control.

When I first began fostering, many years ago, I looked after children on a ‘respite’ basis. This could be anything from a weekend to a month, and it was to give the child’s parents or permanent carers a break. I naively approached this respite care in the mistaken belief that there wouldn’t be any behavioural issues, as the children, ‘guests’ in my house, would be on their best behaviour. I was soon proved wrong. Far from the children being on their best behaviour, they saw the change in routine and boundaries as an opportunity to overturn all they had learned and give me a hard time.

Now, I always make sure I have a clear understanding of the routine and rules for good behaviour that the child is used to, and I uphold these, making any adjustment necessary for the child to fit into my household. The child therefore knows the expectations of routine and boundaries, and everyone, including the child, enjoys their stay.

Acceptable behaviour

If Tom (or Claire) is being very challenging, then you can draw on what you know is allowed and acceptable behaviour in the child’s home to uphold your discipline – ‘Tom, you don’t speak to your mother like that and neither do you speak to me like that. Do you understand?’ This strengthens your position by reminding Tom of what he knows to be acceptable behaviour, as laid down by his parents, which in turn reinforces your authority. Tom will realise that his parents and you (in loco parentis) have the same principles and guidelines for good behaviour, to which you all expect him to adhere. However, don’t say to Tom ‘I’ll tell your dad/mum if you do that again’, as this will undermine your authority by giving Tom the message that you are relying on his parents for the discipline that you cannot effect.

Regular stays

It may be that a child comes to stay with you regularly for short periods, so that it becomes a ‘home from home’ situation. In some respects this will be easier for you and the child. With each stay, you will both feel more relaxed and confident, and the child will know your routine and expected standards of behaviour.

However, this familiarity also has the potential for the child to use it to test the boundaries, so be prepared for a possible deterioration in behaviour when the arrangement has been in place for a while. Tom or Claire might have been absolute angels during their first three stays, and then on their next their behaviour could suddenly change, as they overstep the boundaries and challenge you. In fostering we call the first few weeks the ‘honeymoon period’, after which a child’s behaviour often deteriorates and they begin to test the boundaries. Be sure to keep the boundaries for good behaviour in place, as described above.

Known behavioural difficulties

If you are going to look after a child who you know has behavioural difficulties, then it is all the more important to put in place firm and consistent boundaries straightaway. If the child is with you for a short period, it is unlikely you will be able to make any lasting improvement, although it can be surprising how quickly some children respond, given the right climate of expectations in behaviour.

It is also surprising just how much the child can take with them, and remember. Recently I met a lad of fourteen whom I’d fostered for a week’s respite when he was eight. I was astonished when he greeted me: he remembered not only my name but the details of the week he’d spent with us six years previously. Fortunately he remembered his stay