Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Jason Goodwin (free ebook novel .TXT) 📖

held in place by alot of anger. I felt so angry about being violated. I feel soafraid of being hurt again.

In the past, people sabotaged my security, myjobs, my relationships, and my possessions. People haveintentionally harmed every area of my life. I can’t protect myself.There is no way to avoid the hurtful actions of others.

And yet, if I want to be fulfilled, I have totrust. I trusted my abusers because I wanted their love. I trustedthem even after I knew they were untrustworthy.

Personal Journal Entry

Entry #2: Not Trusting

My inner child doesn’t trust anyone. He feelsso afraid of getting hurt. He shuts down and shuts people outbecause it makes him feel like he’s in control.

He’s so angry about having been betrayed. Hedoesn’t ever want to be hurt like that again. He wants to protecthimself.

Getting hurt means loving someone and feelingbetrayed by them. We believed we were safe, but it turns out thatwe weren’t. We feel deceived.

The betrayals of my childhood shattered mysense of security. I came to believe that safety was an illusion. Icould always be hurt, even when I believed I was safe. I decidedthat I was never truly safe.

This is the reason I have struggled so muchwith issues of control. If I can’t control others, how can I trustthem? Yet if I can’t trust them, how can I ever get the love that Ineed?

Feeling safe means believing that I amprotected from harm. But the truth is that I am never protectedfrom harm. This world is not a safe place.

My inner child feels violated. I love myinner child, but he is still holding onto beliefs about this worldthat aren’t true. I may have deserved to be safe and loved as achild, but people don’t always get what they deserve. I cannotassume that I will be safe, secure, or loved in this world any morethan I can assume anything else. When I do feel safe, secure, orloved, I should count myself truly blessed.

My inner child needs to let go of the past,and let go of what he lost. I need to give him lots of love andsupport.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #3: Trusting People That AreUntrustworthy

When I was a child, I thought that the onlyway to get the love I needed was to trust my abusers. Yet at thesame time, I knew they were dishonest. In the end, I wound uptrusting people I knew were untrustworthy.

I continued to repeat this pattern later inmy adult life. I trusted partners I knew were untrustworthy becauseI desperately wanted their love and approval. Even when I knew theywould betray me. I was so afraid of losing them.

Over time, I grew increasingly needy for alove they couldn’t provide. I chose partners who were just like myabusers. Partners who were incapable of genuine love and respect. Iaccepted their abuse because I was so afraid of being abandoned. Iwas so afraid that the relationship would end. And of course, italways did.

At the end of each unhealthy relationship, Iwould break down emotionally. I would go back to smoking cigarettesand drinking alcohol. I would isolate myself until I found anotherunhealthy partner, and the sick charade would begin again.

Each of my relationships was a destructiverepeat of the one I had left behind. A destructive repeat of myoriginal, broken relationship with my abusers.

One of the reasons I kept repeating thispattern was because I believed that I could change my partners.Some part of me thought I could turn the person I was with into theloving person I wanted them to be. Subconsciously, I wanted toreverse the abuse of my past. I wanted to figure out how to make myabusers finally love me in the way I wanted them to. Thisunrealistic fantasy was poison to my self-esteem. A destructiveillusion that kept me chasing after sick, abusive partners.

As I child, I was forced to depend on peoplewho abused me. I was forced to seek love from people who wereincapable of loving me. I became trapped within a self-destructiveparadox, and there seemed to be no way out.

I never wanted to trust people who wereuntrustworthy. I never wanted to rely on people who would neglectme. I never wanted to seek love from people who were incapable ofloving me. But the messages from my childhood all said, “It doesn’tmatter what you want.”

I wanted to survive. As a child, I wastrapped between two conflicting needs and I chose the best of badoptions. I chose to trust people who could not be trusted in thehopes that I could somehow earn their love and approval.

There were times when I hated myself for thisdecision. As a child, I had chosen love over self-respect.

Sacrificing my self-respect led to the lossof my integrity. I felt so ashamed that I attempted to destroymyself with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, isolation, badrelationships, depression, and sexual addiction. It was so hard toforgive myself for the decisions I was forced to make as achild.

But I no longer have to trust people who areuntrustworthy. I don’t have to rely on people who abuse me. I don’thave to seek love from people who are incapable of loving me. Ineed to forgive myself for the choices I made. I can make new,healthy choices in my adult life today.

Why should I forgive myself? Because I wasafraid. Because I thought that if I sacrificed my integrity, itwould save my life. And it worked. It was a good choice at thetime.

Process Questions

How was I been betrayed in the past?

How do I feel about having been betrayed?

How did this betrayal affect my ability totrust other people or the world?

How have I expressed my anger about havingbeen betrayed?

What are some healthy ways that I canexpress my anger? Are there healthy things I can do to protectmyself from being betrayed again in the future?

Chapter 23 –Trust

“We can only trust when we feel safe about beingvulnerable.”

-Jason Goodwin

Trusting someone means believing they willact in our best interests and