Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life Jason Goodwin (free ebook novel .TXT) 📖

helps us to develophealthier relationships. Releasing pain often leads to freedom.Conquering fear leads to courage.

There is something magical that happens whenwe finally choose to face our fear. When we finally proclaim, “Youwill not control me anymore.”

We can’t always avoid what we fear. When weface our fears and take responsibility for our actions, we getbetter at facing life’s challenges.

That’s not to say we should give up on ourgoals. Only that we need to allow ourselves to experience both theups and the downs of life. We must be willing to learn from thegood times and the bad.

Exercise20-1

Control List:

-Below is a list of the things people try tocontrol. Place a number between one and ten beside the top tenthings you wish you could control.

_____ 1. The impact of the sexual abuse on mylife

_____ 2. My financial situation

_____ 3. My job situation

_____ 4. My addiction

_____ 5. My significant other

_____ 6. My children

_____ 7. My parents

_____ 8. My friends

_____ 9. My sexuality

_____ 10. My health

_____ 11. My self-esteem

_____ 12. My social-life

_____ 13. Feeling safe

_____ 14. Feelings of stress

_____ 15. Feelings of powerlessness

_____ 16. Feelings of anger

_____ 17. Feelings of fear

_____ 18. Feelings of sadness

_____ 19. Feelings of depression

_____ 20. Feelings of low self-esteem

_____ 21. Romantic relationships

_____ 22. My living arrangements

_____ 23. My legal problems

_____ 24. My abuser or abusers

_____ 25. My weight

_____ 26. My confidence

_____ 27. Being loved

_____ 28. Feeling comfortable

_____ 29. Feeling spiritual

1. Fill out a control worksheet (printedbelow) for each of the top ten things you wish you could control.In the first column, write about the ways you cannot control thisperson or situation. In the second column, make a list of the waysyou can influence this person or situation in a healthy way to makeyourself feel better and get more of what you want. Copy thisworksheet as many times as necessary to complete the exercise.

2. Have a conversation with the part of youthat wants to be in control. Ask it the following questions.

A) What is it you want to control?

B) What would happen if you lost control overthis person or situation?

C) How would you feel if you lost controlover this person or situation?

D) What might happen if you allowed yourselfto face your fears?

Control Worksheet

The thing I would like tocontrol is: ________________________________

In what ways do I have no control over thisperson or situation?

1. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

2. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

3. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

4. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

5. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

What are the healthy ways that I caninfluence this person or situation to help me feel better and getmore of what I want?

1. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

2. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

3. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

4. _____________________________

________________________________

________________________________

5. _____________________________

________________________________

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Chapter 21 –Anger

“Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressingfeelings too awful to

experience directly – hurt, bitterness, grief, andmost of all, fear.”

-Joan Rivers

It is normal to feel angry when we have beenabused. Some of us express our anger by yelling and throwingthings. Others become manipulative, passive-aggressive, or overlycontrolling.

Some of us try to become perfect. We work toohard and push ourselves too hard. We become critical of ourappearance or belittle our accomplishments. We developself-destructive attitudes and behaviors.

Sometimes we direct our anger at the ones welove. We become verbally or emotionally abusive. Other times, wedirect our anger at our bodies. We abuse ourselves with alcohol anddrugs or disregard what our body needs to be healthy.

Some of us express our anger by becomingbulimic. We stuff ourselves with food and then throw up for fear ofgaining weight. Others become anorexic. We eat very little becausewe are afraid of gaining weight or because we want to feel incontrol.

Isolating ourselves or avoiding contact withothers is another way some of us express our anger. We try toconvince ourselves that we are unlovable.

Some of us repress our angry feelings or denythat we feel angry. Anger builds up inside of us like steam insidea pressure cooker. When someone says or does something we don’tlike, we blow up at them.

When we are not expressing our anger in ahealthy way, we lose control over our feelings. Have you ever livedwith someone who repressed their anger? You may have felt like youwere walking on egg-shells. No matter what you did, it was thewrong thing to do. No matter how you acted, it was the wrong way toact. No matter what you said, it was taken out of context and usedagainst you.

People with repressed anger are likely tooverreact. They refuse to take responsibility for their feelings,so they may try to blame you for the way they feel.

I used to be in a relationship with a womanwho told me it was my fault she exploded with rage on a dailybasis. At first, I tried to figure out what I could do to make herhappy. But in the end, I realized that she was never going to behappy. I realized that her anger had very little to do with me andmy behavior.

Abusers are typically very angry people whoare looking for someone to abuse. They want to find someone whocan’t defend themselves verbally, mentally, emotionally, orphysically. Abusers want to hurt another person so they can feelpowerful and in control.

Ultimately, abuse is a game. And what is thegoal of this game? To win. To feel powerful. To be in control.

Abusers believe they are powerful when wefeel weak. They believe they are absolved of responsibility when weblame ourselves for the abuse. They believe they are in controlwhen we feel like we cannot tell others what they did to us. Theybelieve they are in control when we depend on them for the thingswe need.

They believe they are powerful when webelieve their lies. When society blames us for the abuse andfamilies conspire to keep the secret. For all of these reasons andmore, abusers become addicted to feelings of power and control.

Our abusers attempted to fulfill their desirefor power in a very sick way. How can we make sure we never becomelike them? How can we express our anger without hurting others orourselves?

Anger can fill us with energy and a strongdesire to act. This physical fight or flight response can betriggered by memories of the abuse. We begin to physically shakewhen we are feeling very angry, and we experience a rush