Not My Mother Miranda Smith (chromebook ebook reader .TXT) 📖

“You’ll let me know if you need anything?” Amelia asked, preparing to leave.

It’s funny. I should have been asking them. They were the ones headed home with a newborn. Even if I had offered, I didn’t have anything left to give. I’d given them you, my whole heart.

“I’ll be fine,” I said, weakly. Jamie was staying for the rest of the week. If I needed something, I’d lean on her, not them. I didn’t want to become their burden.

Amelia hugged me tight, holding me for several seconds. When she pulled away, my cheeks were wet from her tears.

“I’ll never be able to repay you for this.” That was a funny statement coming from the richest woman I knew.

I went back inside the hospital and waited. I was still crying when Jamie returned to drive me home.

Amelia had told me I could stay in touch, but the truth is, I couldn’t. I didn’t want updates of how you were doing or pictures of what you looked like. Teases that only made me want you more. It’s hard to describe exactly what I felt. I never regretted my decision to give you away, and yet, I wished the woman caring for you could have been me. I wished I could have been rocking you to sleep and showering you with kisses.

And yet, as the weeks passed, my life reverted back to normal. Jamie returned to New York. I returned to my job at Buster’s; most of the staff hadn’t seen me since Cliff died. They didn’t even know I’d been pregnant. At night, I stayed in my apartment alone.

My neighbor in the unit next door had a baby, too, and every time I heard him cry, I longed for you. I felt a burning ache in my breasts, a more ravenous one in my chest. You were out there in the world, absent from my life, yet hovering around the periphery. Haunting me, in a sense.

I’d told Amelia time and time again I didn’t need anything in return. I’d wanted to place you up for adoption. It had been my choice. And yet, she’d said she wanted to repay me. I was blown away by what she’d done. She’d put me in touch with a financial aid advisor, and only three weeks after you were born, I was enrolled in college in another state. The second-best part was that the campus was only ninety minutes away from where Jamie currently lived. The best part: Bruce and Amelia had paid for my first year’s tuition.

“It’s too much,” I said to her over the phone. I was still holding the letter in my hand that informed me of the payment.

“It’s nothing to us,” she said. “Besides, that’s why we put you in touch with an advisor. She can help you take out loans to pay for the rest of the time. You’ve given us so much. Please, let us help you in return.”

I cried, because already this letter had given me more than I’d ever thought my life could hold. I would be going to school. College. If any of my relatives heard this, they’d faint from the shock. Not a screw-up anymore, huh? For the first time since Cliff’s death, I thought I might have a shot at a real life. More than that, I might have a shot at happiness.

“I hope you know how much this means to me,” I said to Amelia over the phone. “I’m going to go and—”

I stopped talking when I heard you cry in the background. A low, guttural whimpering. Instinctively, I wanted to reach out and hold you. My body started aching, a gravitational force pulling me closer to you.

“Sarah, are you okay?”

I’d been quiet too long, and Amelia sounded worried.

“Yes, I’m fine. I just wanted to say thank you. I won’t let you down.”

And I hung up the phone.

Finally, the time had come for me to leave. I used the money from my last shift at Buster’s to rent a car for the drive up north. I didn’t need anything big, as I only had a few boxes of belongings.

It was harder leaving the apartment than I expected. As usual, I felt like I was leaving a piece of Cliff behind. I thought of all the times he’d slept here, of all the memories we shared. It’s like his spirit would stay lost in this place forever, but I promised I wouldn’t let that happen. Moving on with my life didn’t mean ignoring his. I’d talk about him and keep him alive, in my heart. At least I would no longer have to pass the same street where I had seen him die.

Amelia had suggested meeting before I left, but I thought it would be too hard. It would be easier to see pictures once I got settled in my new place but seeing you in person would have been too difficult. I would want to hold you, take you with me, and I knew I couldn’t do that.

And yet, as I sat in the driver’s seat, my hand on the steering wheel, it felt impossible to move. I couldn’t just leave New Hutton without seeing you. Although I’d look like some foolish young girl again for changing my mind at the last minute, I knew I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

I got out of the car and ran across the street. I fed coins into a pay phone and dialed Amelia’s office number. It felt like a punch to the stomach when they told me she still hadn’t returned, that she wasn’t working at the center at all. I’d missed my chance, and who knew when I’d get to see you again. Would I even recognize you?

I walked back to my car, defeated. The handwritten directions for my journey were sitting in the passenger seat. I was trying to muster the determination to put the car in drive. Then I