More Sloan Parker (the best electronic book reader TXT) 📖

“Really?” He flopped onto the couch beside me. “I've never been that focused about anything. Not anything I should've been focused on. Probably why I had such problems in college.”

“You seem focused when you're cooking. You seem to like it.”

“I have been enjoying it. I never knew it'd be something I'd like to do. Never had a reason to before. My mom always cooked, and when she wasn't home, it seemed like a lot of work for just me.”

“I usually made a frozen pizza or brought home takeout.” I set the laptop on the coffee table and faced him. “Did you have a nice time at your mom's?”

“I did. She liked the necklace I got her. I wish you had come with me. You shouldn't work on Christmas.”

“I had lunch with Walter earlier. I thought you hadn't told your mom about us yet— that there's three of us.”

“I haven't. I don't mean to keep things from her. It's different. Not sure what she'll think.”

“But she knows you're living with Richard?”

“Yeah. She wants to meet him and see where I'm staying. I told her he's a friend helping me out, that his place is closer to work. I don't think she bought it.”

“They say moms know the truth even when their kids try to hide it.” My own mother had been clueless about so many things. Maybe she had never been a mother at all.

“It's weird staying here without him. It's not... ” Matthew took a deep breath. “I miss him.” His eyes scanned the room. They settled on the lighthouse painting over the fireplace. He bit his lower lip. “I'm glad he got to go see his folks, but I can't believe he spent all that money to fly to New York for one day.”

“There aren't many people I'd do that for.” I couldn't think of one, except maybe—"Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure.”

“What happened in college?”

“Oh... hey, it's cold in here.” He jumped off the couch and fiddled with the thermostat in the hall. He crossed the room without looking at me and sat again.

I shouldn't have asked. I had no experience broaching personal subjects. Apparently, I sucked at it. “You don't have to talk about it. I didn't mean to push.”

“No, I want to. I don't have anything to hide from you. Or Richard.” Matthew lifted his legs. He settled his feet on the couch, his knees to his chest. He folded his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his kneecaps. “I was never the greatest student in high school. I didn't pay attention to my grades. It was tough being the out gay kid.”

“I get that. Figuring out I was gay consumed a lot of my focus in high school.”

Matthew nodded. “But when I got to college, I studied. I was doing well. Then I met someone. He wanted me to spend a lot of my time at his place. I skipped class. I never studied. I even stopped eating. He didn't notice or care. He wanted me to be there for what he needed. It was messed up.”

He let out a heavy sigh. “It sounds bad when I say it out loud, but it wasn't the worst part. I flunked out of school. I had to move out of the dorm, take a semester off before I could start classes again. I didn't want to go home to my mom's. I wanted to stay with Jake. He said I could move in with him, so I did. My mom was furious. She'd never met him and she knew something was wrong. I was thin, and I didn't smile or laugh anymore.”

Matthew without a smile or his laugh churned my stomach. I was glad I hadn't seen him like that. Yet, a part of me wished I'd been there for him. Not as a lover, but as a friend.

He turned his head in my direction and rested his cheek on his knee. “I stopped going to see her. I didn't want to hear anyone tell me he wasn't healthy for me. Then Jake started going out a lot without me. He was still in school, and I worked at a grocery store, trying to make enough money to live on. He had new friends and was losing interest in me. One night when he asked me to go with him to a party, I pulled out all the stops, trying to get him to stay with me, to want me. It was desperate and pathetic, but at the time, I wasn't thinking clearly. Then the college party became a drug-induced orgy. Jake put a line of coke in front of me and asked me to join him in bed with three other guys.”

Matthew stared at the opposite wall, an empty look in his eyes. “I did it. All of it. Before then, the worst drug I'd ever tried was a joint, and I only did that once. The cocaine hit me hard, and with all the shots they were pouring down my throat, I was a mess. They did a lot of shit to me. Most of it I don't remember. I just know what Jake told me later. I don't have an issue hooking up with men I don't know.” Matthew gave me a smile. Nothing near the grin he usually flashed me. “But going along with the drugs and alcohol, losing control like that, just wasn't me.” He shook his head. “I put myself at risk to please him. I had no idea if they used condoms or not. Jake said they did, but I got tested at the free clinic like once a month for the next two years. I was kinda freaked.”

“Shit, Matthew. I'm sorry.” I wanted to kill this motherfucker named Jake.

He shrugged. “I'm okay. I mean it's been four years. It isn't a big deal. I know people who've gotten into more trouble. It just wasn't my finest hour. Losing myself. Falling so hard, I