Manners and Social Usages by Mrs John M. E. W. Sherwood (great book club books TXT) 📖

necessarily simple. The whole

business of etiquette is, of course, reduced to each one’s sense of

propriety, and the standard must be changed as the circumstances

demand. As, for instance, a lady writes to know if she should thank

a gentleman for paying for her on an excursion. Now this involves a

long answer. In Europe no young lady could accept an invitation to

go as the guest of a young gentleman on “an excursion,” and allow

him to pay for her, without losing much reputation. She would not in

either England or France be received in society again. She should be

invited by the gentleman through her father or mother, and one or

both should accompany an her. Even then it is not customary for

gentlemen to invite ladies to go on an excursion. He could invite

the lady’s mother to chaperon a theatre party which he had paid for.

 

Another young lady asks if she could with propriety buy the tickets

and take a young gentleman to the theatre. Of course she could, if

her mother or chaperon would go with her; but even then the mother

or chaperon should write the note of invitation.

 

But in our free country it is, we hear, particularly in the West,

allowable for a young lady and gentleman to go off on, “an

excursion” together, the gentleman paying all the expenses. If that

is allowed, then, of course—to answer our correspondent’s question

she should thank him. But if we were to answer the young lady’s

later question, “Would this be considered etiquette?” we should say,

decidedly, No.

 

Another question which we are perpetually asked is this: How to

allow a gentleman a proper degree of friendly intimacy without

allowing him to think himself too much of a favorite. Here we cannot

bring in either etiquette or custom to decide. One very general law

would be not to accept too many attentions, to show a certain

reserve in dancing with him or driving with him. It is always proper

for a gentleman to take a young lady out to drive in his dog-cart

with his servant behind, if her parents approve; but if it is done

very often, of course it looks conspicuous, and the lady runs the

risk of being considered engaged. And she knows, of course, whether

her looks and words give him reason to think that he is a favorite.

She must decide all that herself.

 

Another writes to ask us if she should take a gentleman’s hat and

coat when he calls. Never. Let him take care of those. Christianity

and chivalry, modern and ancient custom, make a man the servant of

women. The old form of salutation used by Sir Walter Raleigh and

other courtiers was always, “Your servant, madam,” and it is the

prettiest and most admirable way for a man to address a woman in any

language.

 

Another asks if she should introduce a gentleman who calls to her

mother. This, we should say, would answer itself did not the

question reappear. Of course she should; and her mother should

always sit with her when she is receiving a call from a gentleman.

 

But if in our lesser fashionable circles the restrictions of

etiquette are relaxed, let a young lady always remember these

general principles, that men will like and respect her far better if

she is extremely particular about allowing them to pay for her, if

she refuses two invitations out of three, if she is dignified and

reserved rather than if she is the reverse.

 

At Newport it is now the fashion for young ladies to drive young men

out in their pony-phaetons with a groom behind, or even without a

groom; but a gentleman never takes out a lady in his own carriage

without a servant.

 

Gentlemen and ladies walk together in the daytime unattended, but if

they ride on horseback a groom is always in attendance on the lady.

In rural neighborhoods where there are no grooms, and where a young

lady and gentleman go off for a drive unattended, they have thrown

Old-World etiquette out of the window, and must make a new etiquette

of their own. Propriety, mutual respect, and American chivalry have

done for women what all the surveillance of Spanish duennas and of

French etiquette has done for the young girl of Europe. If a woman

is a worker, an artist, a student, or an author, she can walk the

Quartier Latin of Paris unharmed.

 

But she has in work an armor of proof. This is not etiquette when

she comes into the world of fashion. She must observe etiquette, as

she would do the laws of Prussia or of England, if she stands on

foreign shores.

 

Perhaps we can illustrate this. Given a pretty young girl who shall

arrive on the steamer Germania after being several years at school

in Paris, another who comes in by rail from Kansas, another from

some quiet, remote part of Georgia, and leave them all at the New

York Hotel for a winter. Let us imagine them all introduced at a New

York ball to three gentlemen, who shall call on them the next day.

If the girl educated in Paris, sitting by her mamma, hears the

others talk to the young men she will be shocked. The girls who have

been brought up far from the centres of etiquette seem to her to

have no modesty, no propriety. They accept invitations from the

young men to go to the theatre alone, to take drives, and perhaps,

as we have said, to “go on an excursion.”

 

To the French girl this seems to be a violation of propriety; but

later on she accepts an invitation to go out on a coach, with

perhaps ten or twelve others, and with a very young chaperon. The

party does not return until twelve at night, and as they walk

through the corridors to a late supper the young Western girl meets

them, and sees that the young men are already the worse for wine:

she is apt to say, “What a rowdy crowd!” and to think that, after

all, etiquette permits its own sins, in which she is right.

 

In a general statement it may be as well to say that a severe

etiquette would prevent a young lady from receiving gifts from a

young man, except bonbonnieres and bouquets. It is not considered

proper for him to offer her clothing of any sort—as gowns, bonnets,

shawls, or shoes—even if he is engaged to her. She may use her

discretion about accepting a camel’s-hair shawl from a man old

enough to be her father, but she should never receive jewellery from

any one but a relative or her fianc� just before marriage. The

reason for this is obvious. It has been abused—the privilege which

all men desire, that of decking women with finery.

 

A young lady should not write letters to young men, or send them

presents, or take the initiative in any way. A friendly

correspondence is very proper if the mother approves, but even this

has its dangers. Let a young lady always remember that she is to the

young man an angel to reverence until she lessens the distance

between them and extinguishes respect.

 

Young women often write to us as to whether it is proper for them to

write letters of condolence or congratulation to ladies older than

themselves. We should say, Yes. The respect of young girls is always

felt gratefully by older ladies. The manners of the present are

vastly to be objected to on account of a lack of respect. The rather

bitter Mr. Carlyle wrote satirically of the manners of young ladies.

He even had his fling at their laugh: “Few are able to laugh what

can be called laughing, but only sniff and titter from the throat

outward, or at best produce some whiffling husky cachinnations as if

they were laughing through wool. Of none such comes good.” A young

lady must not speak too loud or be too boisterous; she must even

tone down her wit, lest she be misunderstood. But she need not be

dull, or grumpy, or ill-tempered, or careless of her manners,

particularly to her mother’s old friends. She must not talk slang,

or be in any way masculine; if she is, she loses the battle. A young

lady is sometimes called upon to be a hostess if her mother is dead.

Here her liberty becomes greater, but she should always have an aunt

or some elderly friend by her side to play chaperon.

 

A young lady may do any manual labor without losing caste. She may

be a good cook, a fine laundress, a carver of wood, a painter, a

sculptor, an embroideress, a writer, a physician, and she will be

eligible, if her manners are good, to the best society anywhere. But

if she outrage the laws of good-breeding in the place where she is,

she cannot expect to take her place in society. Should she be seen

at Newport driving two gentlemen in her pony-phaeton, or should she

and another young woman take a gentleman between them and drive down

Bellevue Avenue, she would be tabooed. It would not be a wicked act,

but it would not look well; it would not be convenable. If she

dresses “loudly,” with peculiar hats and a suspicious complexion,

she must take the consequences. She must be careful (if she is

unknown) not to attempt to copy the follies of well-known

fashionable women. What will be forgiven to Mrs. Well Known Uptown

will never be forgiven to Miss Kansas. Society in this respect is

very unjust—the world is always unjust—but that is a part of the

truth of etiquette which is to be remembered; it is founded on the

accidental conditions of society, having for its background,

however, the eternal principles of kindness, politeness, and the

greatest good of society.

 

A young lady who is very prominent in society should not make

herself too common; she should not appear in too many charades,

private theatricals, tableaux, etc. She should think of the “violet

by the mossy stone.” She must, also, at a watering-place remember

that every act of hers is being criticised by a set of lookers-on

who are not all friendly, and she must, ere she allow herself to be

too much of a belle, remember to silence envious tongues.

 

CHAPTER LVI. ENGLISH TABLE MANNERS AND SOCIAL USAGES.

 

In no respect can American and English etiquette be contrasted more

fully than in the matter of the everyday dinner, which in America

finds a lady in a plain silk dress, high-necked and long-sleeved,

but at which the English lady always appears in a semi-grand

toilette, with open Pompadour corsage and elbow sleeves, if not in

low-necked, full-dress attire; while her daughters are uniformly

sleeveless, and generally in white dresses, often low-necked in

depth of winter. At dinner all the men are in evening dress, even if

there is no one present at the time but the family.

 

The dinner is not so good as the ordinary American dinner, except in

the matter of fish, which is universally very fine. The vegetables

are few and poor, and the “sweets,” as they call dessert, are very

bad. A gooseberry tart is all that is offered to one at an ordinary

dinner, although fine strawberries and a pine are often brought in

afterwards. The dinner is always served with much state, and

afterwards the ladies all combine to amuse the guests by their

talents. There is no false shame in England about singing and

playing the piano. Even poor performers do their best, and

contribute very much to the pleasure of the company. At the table

people do not talk much, nor do they gesticulate as Americans do.

They eat