The Bookshop of Second Chances Jackie Fraser (ebook reader macos .txt) 📖

I wonder when Chris will tell me of this new development. I suppose they’ll want to get married, so we’ll have to get divorced, and that means going to court, I think. I haven’t paid much attention because we’d agreed we’d wait out the two years of separation and have what is essentially a ‘no-fault’ agreement, since I had no desire to stand up and accuse him of any of the things he’s done. It’s childish, isn’t it? And it all sounds so old-fashioned, bleating about adultery. Christ.

‘Hey,’ says Edward, coming to find me a few minutes later. He hands me a glass of water, which I drain, gratefully. He puts the empty glass on the end table and comes and sits beside me while I try, unsuccessfully, to stop sobbing. ‘I brought your phone,’ he says. ‘You had some more messages.’

I take it from him, but don’t look at it. I assume the messages will be from Xanthe, asking if I’m okay, telling me to phone her.

‘Is… Are you…’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Um. It’s none of my business, but you’re clearly not fine.’

I sniff, shuddering. It’s so ridiculous to be crying like this. I feel stupid.

‘They’re having a baby,’ I tell him. ‘Chris and Susanna.’

He says nothing. There’s nothing to say, is there? We sit on the sofa and I try to control myself, but I can’t help the awful noise I’m making. Ugly crying, the worst.

‘Hey,’ he says, eventually. He moves closer, turning towards me. ‘Hey. Don’t – you’ll make yourself ill.’

I do feel like I’m on the edge of hysteria – not a good look.

‘Thea.’

I blow my nose for the fiftieth time.

‘Hey. Look – come here,’ he says, and puts his arms round me. I wasn’t expecting a hug – he’s not a huggy person, I don’t think. But he hugs me, even though I’m covered in tears and snot. He rubs my back and makes soothing noises. I cry into his shoulder.

‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘That’s pretty shit.’

‘Yeah.’ I try to reach my face with my sleeve, but I can’t. We sit there for ages, Edward stroking my back as I gradually stop crying. I close my eyes and feel myself relaxing. Eventually, I pull away so I can blow my nose.

‘I’m sorry. You didn’t need to close the shop.’

‘Don’t be stupid. Of course I did. Look at the state of you.’

I hang my head. ‘Yeah, I know, sorry. Thanks.’

‘Thea. Stop apologizing. Why are you apologizing? You haven’t done anything wrong.’ He puts his hand on mine and rubs his thumb on my knuckles. I find this deeply confusing. But I don’t say anything, or move my hand.

‘I feel stupid. And…’ But I’m not going to discuss it with him, am I, that would be–

‘Why don’t you have any children?’

I stare at him. People don’t usually just ask. Or at least, I know people do, but no one’s ever asked me, not straight out like that.

‘I–’

‘Did you want to? Or not?’

‘I… Okay,’ I say. ‘Um. I don’t work properly, inside. The babies get away.’

He looks at me, and I laugh, awkward. ‘I had a miscarriage when we were first married. We weren’t trying to have children. It wasn’t awful or anything. It was only, like, six weeks, and I was only twenty-seven. It didn’t seem… It was fine. I’d been a bit frightened about being pregnant. I didn’t feel like I was ready. Anyway, people have m-miscarriages all the time, sometimes they don’t even realize.’

He’s looking at me intently. I feel very… exposed. I take a shuddering breath.

‘And then I had another one, later. We still weren’t trying to have a baby. But I suppose we weren’t trying not to either.’

I remember the winter morning, the bathroom light, how cold it seemed. It feels like a long time ago, a lifetime. I was a different person then. I’ve always pushed it away, the memory.

‘That one was worse. And they said if we were… if we wanted… it would probably be okay. But I didn’t want it to be something I got obsessed about. And he didn’t… he always said he didn’t. That’s what he said. That he’d never really wanted any. And I think I’ve never been that interested. In children. I mean, they’re okay.’ I laugh a watery laugh. ‘But I could never imagine, you know, being a… having any. So we didn’t.’

I plait my fingers together and look at the veins on the backs of my hands. I’m not sure when they started to show so clearly. Another sign of aging, I suppose. ‘But maybe he was lying the whole time. Maybe he just said that because he thought that’s what… but I would’ve. If he’d said. If he’d told me. I just. I’d have done anything.’ I laugh again. ‘That makes it sound like having a family is an unusual thing, rather than perfectly normal. But I… um. It upsets me,’ I say, a massive understatement, ‘to think that perhaps that’s what he wanted, and I didn’t know, and now–’

‘Shit,’ says Edward. He puts his hand to my face and wipes tears away with his fingers.

‘I’m sorry. You don’t want to hear all about that.’

‘Thea.’

‘It’s dull, isn’t it? I just… I don’t want to feel like I’ve messed everything up.’

‘You haven’t, have you? It was Chris who did that. He slept with your friend.’

‘I… Yes.’

‘He should have talked to you about it, shouldn’t he, if he wanted to have a family. You’re his wife.’

‘Yes.’

‘I don’t think he did it on purpose,’ he says. ‘Or if he did, I bet that wasn’t his plan when he started.’

‘When he started?’

‘Sleeping with your friend.’

‘Oh. No. Probably not.’

‘Was it from him? The message?’

‘No. No, from Xanthe. God knows how she knows about it. Maybe they’re telling everyone already.’ This gives me such a feeling of desolation, I could howl. ‘I just feel I was feeling better. I mean, still awful. Maybe I’ve been in denial about it all up here, but I