Kate in Waiting Becky Albertalli (best way to read books TXT) 📖

not mad at you.” There’s this tug in my chest. “So he really is your boyfriend. The official b-word.”

“Yeah.” Anderson smiles faintly.

I look at him. “Cool.”

“Kate, it’s fine. I get it. I really, really do—”

“No, it’s fine. I promise.” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Andy, I’m so sorry.”

“Kate—”

“No, hear me out. I’m so sorry. I was awful to you. And you didn’t do anything wrong. We had ground rules, and you followed them, and I’m the one who—”

“The ground rules were bullshit, though. Katy, you’re right. You can’t force yourself to be happy for someone. That’s not how joy works.” His voice cracks. “That’s not how anything works. But it just felt like the whole thing was getting so big and so messy, and we were both half in love with him, and Kate. I’m so sorry. I’m so—”

“Okay, can you stop?”

“Sure.” The car stops.

“Andy, no, I don’t mean stop the car—”

“But we’re at Target.”

“I meant stop apologizing.”

“Kate, you just gave me this whole thing about wanting to see my face, and now you’re sitting here with your eyes closed.”

“I know.” I laugh shortly.

“Don’t you want to see my reaction?”

“I don’t know!”

“Kate.” Anderson grabs my hand, threading our fingers together over the gearshift. “Look at my face.”

I crack my eyes open tentatively.

“I love you,” he mouths. And then, faintly audible, “That’s my reaction.”

I smile, just barely. “But I’m not done yet.”

“Okay—”

“I thought he liked me. And it’s stupid. It was all in my head. There was never anything—and I get it now, but it made me feel like I couldn’t even trust my own perception. I just kept thinking, wow, I’m like the worst kind of loser, and everyone knows it.”

“Excuse me? No. You’re the best kind of loser, and only I know it, which is why I’m your best friend in the whole world, and always will be.”

“I know. I know.” Suddenly, my eyes fill with tears. “God. I’m so sorry. I was just—Andy, I swear to God, five minutes after you told me, I was like, okay, fine. Andy and Matt, great. Okay, not totally fine.”

Andy squeezes my hand.

“I was starting to get fine with it, though.” I sniff. “But I couldn’t stop picturing you guys talking about me and feeling sorry for me, and Matt thinking I was so pathetic for liking him—”

“But, Katy, I didn’t—”

“I know. You didn’t tell him. Code of Secrecy. I know.”

“I would never do that to you,” he says. “Ever. Believe me, I fucked up like that once, and I still feel—”

“What? You never did that.”

He’s quiet for a moment. “Don’t you ever wonder why Vivian Yang stopped talking to me?”

“I mean.” I wipe my eyes. “I just figured she ditched you for the track team. She became an f-girl.”

“She’s not an f-girl,” Andy says.

“Okay, but—”

“And we stopped being friends because of me. I fucked up.” He exhales. “I violated the Code. I’m the one who told Jeffrey Jacobs she liked him.”

“Wait.” I pause. “Really? I feel like that was common knowledge though.”

“Yeah, because Jeffrey told the whole track team.” Andy looks distraught. “It was such a dumb thing to do. I don’t even remember what I was thinking. I guess I just didn’t get it, you know? I’d never really liked anyone like that. I didn’t get what a big deal it was.”

“To be fair, that was freshman year—”

“So what? It was still shitty. The Code of Secrecy exists for a reason.”

“You’re being way too hard on yourself.”

“I’m just saying. I’ve regretted that for years.” Andy shakes his head. “I’m never going to sell you out to Matt like that. Kate, I promise—”

“Andy, no.” I twist around in my seat, suddenly desperate to face him. “You can tell him. It’s fine. You can tell him I used to like him—the whole story.”

“Um. Are you high?”

“You shouldn’t have to hide that. You should be able to tell each other everything.”

Andy wrinkles his brow. “I don’t need to tell Matt everything.”

“You can’t keep secrets from each other if you’re in a relationship. That doesn’t work.”

He turns to face me. “You really think that?”

“Everyone thinks that.”

“What? No! Not everyone thinks that. You really think two people can’t be close unless they know everything about each other?”

I shrug.

He tilts his head. “Okay, so what about all that time before I came out to you. Right? My big secret. You think we weren’t close before that?”

“I know we were closer after.”

“Your mom had just moved next door! Come on. I’m not saying it wasn’t cool to be able to talk about boy stuff with you, but are you seriously gonna write off everything before seventh grade? None of that counts, because I didn’t tell you this one thing about me that I didn’t even totally understand myself?”

“That’s different. You were figuring it out. You weren’t trying to keep anything from me—”

“But so what if I was! Are you kidding me? You can be close with people who aren’t out. I wasn’t out! And I was close with people! You can keep whatever secrets you want.” He smiles, shaking his head. “I swear, it’s like you think there’s only one way to do relationships.”

“I don’t know how to do relationships. I’ve never had a relationship.”

“Hello? You have me.”

“We’re not in a relationship.”

“We’re not in a romantic relationship. That doesn’t mean we’re not in a relationship.”

My heart tugs. “I know.”

“And maybe we’re going to have boyfriends sometimes, and yeah, we probably won’t tell each other everything. But that doesn’t mean you and I are less close. It just means we’re separate people and our lives are separate sometimes. And that’s good! You don’t need to know what happened in your brother’s room when you were at your dad’s house—”

“Oh. My God.”

“Not that. Kate. Come on. Your mom was like ten feet away. I would never.”

“Yeah, blame your lack of game on my mom.”

“Touché. But you know what I mean, right? I’m going to have secrets, and so are you. I don’t want to hear about you and Noah