Something New P. G. Wodehouse (best classic books .txt) 📖

Mant. “We’re coming to that. And I should like to begin by saying that, though in a sense it was my fault, I fail to see how I could have acted⁠—”

“Horace!”

“Oh, very well! I was only trying to explain.”

Lord Emsworth adjusted his pince-nez and sought inspiration from the wall paper.

“Freddie, my boy,” he began, “we have a somewhat unpleasant⁠—a somewhat er⁠—disturbing⁠—We are compelled to break it to you. We are all most pained and astounded; and⁠—”

The Efficient Baxter spoke. It was plain he was in a bad temper.

“Miss Peters,” he snapped, “has eloped with your friend Emerson.”

Lord Emsworth breathed a sigh of relief.

“Exactly, Baxter. Precisely! You have put the thing in a nutshell. Really, my dear fellow, you are invaluable.”

All eyes searched Freddie’s face for signs of uncontrollable emotion. The deputation waited anxiously for his first grief-stricken cry.

“Eh? What?” said Freddie.

“It is quite true, Freddie, my dear boy. She went to London with him on the ten-fifty.”

“And if I had not been forcibly restrained,” said Baxter acidly, casting a vindictive look at Colonel Mant, “I could have prevented it.”

Colonel Mant cleared his throat again and put a hand to his mustache.

“I’m afraid that is true, Freddie. It was a most unfortunate misunderstanding. I’ll tell you how it happened: I chanced to be at the station bookstall when the train came in. Mr. Baxter was also in the station. The train pulled up and this young fellow Emerson got in⁠—said goodbye to us, don’t you know, and got in. Just as the train was about to start, Miss Peters exclaiming, ‘George dear, I’m going with you⁠—, dash it,’ or some such speech⁠—proceeded to go⁠—hell for leather⁠—to the door of young Emerson’s compartment. On which⁠—”

“On which,” interrupted Baxter, “I made a spring to try and catch her. Apart from any other consideration, the train was already moving and Miss Peters ran considerable risk of injury. I had hardly moved when I felt a violent jerk at my ankle and fell to the ground. After I had recovered from the shock, which was not immediately, I found⁠—”

“The fact is, Freddie, my boy,” the colonel went on, “I acted under a misapprehension. Nobody can be sorrier for the mistake than I; but recent events in this house had left me with the impression that Mr. Baxter here was not quite responsible for his actions⁠—overwork or something, I imagined. I have seen it happen so often in India, don’t you know, where fellows run amuck and kick up the deuce’s own delight. I am bound to admit that I have been watching Mr. Baxter rather closely lately in the expectation that something of this very kind might happen.

“Of course I now realize my mistake; and I have apologized⁠—apologized humbly⁠—dash it! But at the moment I was firmly under the impression that our friend here had an attack of some kind and was about to inflict injuries on Miss Peters. If I’ve seen it happen once in India, I’ve seen it happen a dozen times.

“I recollect, in the hot weather of the year ’99⁠—or was it ’93?⁠—I think ’93⁠—one of my native bearers⁠—However, I sprang forward and caught the crook of my walking stick on Mr. Baxter’s ankle and brought him down. And by the time explanations were made it was too late. The train had gone, with Miss Peters in it.”

“And a telegram has just arrived,” said Lord Emsworth, “to say that they are being married this afternoon at a registrar’s. The whole occurrence is most disturbing.”

“Bear it like a man, my boy!” urged Colonel Mant.

To all appearances Freddie was bearing it magnificently. Not a single exclamation, either of wrath or pain, had escaped his lips. One would have said the shock had stunned him or that he had not heard, for his face expressed no emotion whatever.

The fact was, the story had made very little impression on the Honorable Freddie of any sort. His relief at Ashe’s news about Joan Valentine; the stunning joy of having met in the flesh the author of the adventures of Gridley Quayle; the general feeling that all was now right with the world⁠—these things deprived him of the ability to be greatly distressed.

And there was a distinct feeling of relief⁠—actual relief⁠—that now it would not be necessary for him to get married. He had liked Aline; but whenever he really thought of it the prospect of getting married rather appalled him. A chappie looked such an ass getting married! It appeared, however, that some verbal comment on the state of affairs was required of him. He searched his mind for something adequate.

“You mean to say Aline has bolted with Emerson?”

The deputation nodded pained nods. Freddie searched in his mind again. The deputation held its breath.

“Well, I’m blowed!” said Freddie. “Fancy that!”

Mr. Peters walked heavily into his room. Ashe Marson was waiting for him there. He eyed Ashe dully.

“Pack!” he said.

“Pack?”

“Pack! We’re getting out of here by the afternoon train.”

“Has anything happened?”

“My daughter has eloped with Emerson.”

“What!”

“Don’t stand there saying, ‘What!’ Pack.”

Ashe put his hand in his pocket.

“Where shall I put this?” he asked.

For a moment Mr. Peters looked without comprehension at what Ashe was holding out; then his whole demeanor altered. His eyes lit up. He uttered a howl of pure rapture:

“You got it!”

“I got it.”

“Where was it? Who took it? How did you choke it out of them? How did you find it? Who had it?”

“I don’t know whether I ought to say. I don’t want to start anything. You won’t tell anyone?”

“Tell anyone! What do you take me for? Do you think I am going about advertising this? If I can sneak out without that fellow Baxter jumping on my back I shall be satisfied. You can take it from me that there won’t be any sensational exposures if I can help it. Who had it?”

“Young Threepwood.”

“Threepwood? Why did he want it?”

“He needed money and he was going to raise it on⁠—”

Mr. Peters exploded.

“And I have been kicking because Aline can’t marry him and has gone off with a regular fellow like young