The Ties That Bind Us: (The Ties Duet Part One) Danda K. (dark academia books to read TXT) 📖

Emersyn and see the most adorable little girl with the biggest blue eyes. Her dark blonde curls, button nose, and baby freckles make her look even sweeter. I care about her because she’s Jaxon’s, and I love him. But I’m not gonna lie and say I feel a bond with her, or that I play with her, or kiss and hold her whenever I can.

In fact, I have yet to hold her, and she’s spent several nights here at this point.

It’s not personal, and I hope Jaxon doesn’t take it that way. I don’t know how to be affectionate towards a little girl. I was never shown affection at her age. It wasn’t until I met Jaxon that I was even introduced to those feelings. Twenty-one years is a long time to be deprived of tender human touch, so he can’t expect this to come naturally to me.

Opening up to Emersyn would be a huge step. It would be more than just adoring her or caring for her too. I’d be taking on a maternal role in her life, and it scares the hell out of me. I don’t know how to be a mother figure to anyone, let alone a little girl.

I watch as Jaxon gives her a quick bath, and I must’ve been standing there for a bit because he’s almost done cleaning her.

“Can you bring the towel over here?” Jaxon points to the folded one on the sink. I carry it over to him, opening it wide so he can wrap her up in it.

He picks Emersyn up out of the tub as she giggles, dripping with water, placing her between my arms where the towel is. My eyes widen in surprise as he presses her against my chest. He starts to wrap the towel around her, and my arms are forced to follow suit.

I feel like I’ve lost my voice, my mouth opening and closing in shock. He notices the panic in my eyes and takes her out of my arms immediately. She blows raspberries through her mouth at him, with no idea that the adult who just had her in her arms has worse emotional regulation skills than she does.

Once he has her safely in his arms, I turn around and run out of the bathroom. Breathing forcefully through my nose, the tears are already pooling in my eyes.

I hate myself. I hate that I can’t hold Jaxon’s baby and adore her, if not for the simple fact she’s a part of him.

I hear him call my name, but I close the bedroom door and throw myself on the bed.

I’m heading into a tailspin that I haven’t experienced since being with Jax. My entire body is tingling and not in a good way. It feels like there’s an army of ants forcing their way inside me and crawling under my skin.

I rub my arms violently, scratching at whatever skin I can get to. I see shadows of movement under the door as Jaxon tries to get Emersyn settled again.

I bury my head in my legs, rocking back and forth, silently breaking down from my inadequacies once again. Maybe Jaxon is better off with a witch like Gelissa over someone who cannot love his child.

Forty

Jaxon

I swear I didn’t even think when I handed Emersyn off to Cam.

It was just an instinct to have Cam hold the baby since she had the towel in her hand, but I should’ve fucking known it wouldn’t be that easy. I’m usually so in tune with Cameron’s triggers, but since I’m adjusting to life as a dad, I clearly dropped the ball this time.

I know she doesn’t mean it personally. If anything, I feel even worse knowing the reason why she struggles like this.

It took about half an hour to get the baby to fall back asleep.

I listen first through our door- nothing’s breaking, and I don’t hear any sobs, so I’m hoping she fell asleep. I open the door slowly and cringe when it makes a loud creaking sound.

“Hey Nyx, you awake?”

I hear movement, but she doesn’t say anything. The room is dark, but I walk over to her and sit on the bed. I can make out her outline in the dark, arms holding her legs against her chest as she leans against the headboard.

“I’m so sorry, Nyx. I never should’ve handed her to you.”

I feel her eyes on me, even through the darkness. She reaches over, turning on the lamp next to her. The look of sadness on her face makes me feel like I just tore her world apart.

Her eyes are puffy, and her cheeks are still wet with tears. “Jaxon, you have nothing to be sorry for. It’s me. I should be sorry for being so fucked up as a person I can’t even hold a small child.”

Shaking her head, she hides her face in her bent knees.

“Baby, it’s okay. You’ll learn to love her just like I do. I understand.”

She lifts her head to look at me and huffs out a sarcastic breath. “Do you hear yourself? I’ll learn to love her? I shouldn’t have to learn, Jaxon!” she whisper-yells her statement before continuing lower, “Love for a beautiful little girl should come naturally to a person. She’s an innocent child. An innocent child that I can’t feel anything for. One that I freak out about holding when my boyfriend just needed a little help.”

I shake my head. “Just because you couldn’t hold her doesn’t mean you don’t help, Cameron. It’ll take time. I understand, baby. You’ve never experienced love as a child, so, of course, it’s a struggle for you.” I place my hand on her knee. “Just give it time. You’ll see.”

She looks away, unsure. “I don’t know about that Jaxon, I know nothing about loving a baby. I’m afraid I’ll never be of use to her.”

“Don’t you remember feeling like you could never love me?”

I scoot closer to her and hold her cheek with my hand. “Look