Lauren Takes Leave Gerstenblatt, Julie (classic literature list txt) 📖

she doesn’t pass out and crack her head wide openon this tile.”

I comply.

We all sit on the floor in a small, close circle, lookingfor signs that Jodi is okay. “Say something,” Kat pleads.

Jodi shakes her head. She moves her hand instead, handingan object to us in the center of the circle.

It’s her iPad. I put out my hand and catch it. We all lookdown.

EOnline.com is staring back at us, with a huge, full-colorphoto making the news headlines of the day.

It’s a picture of us.

“Oy,” Jodi says, finally speaking.

The headline reads “Tim Raises Awareness.” Under that,the picture shows all of us atop the Crypt Ranger float. Tim, Dixie, me, Lenny,Jodi and Kat…all of us.

“What are we aware of?” I ask.

“That’s your question,” Kat says.

“Um, one of?” I clarify. “I mean, obviously, there areother, more pressing issues to deal with here, like the fact that our coveris so blown and we are so dead.”

“But, naturally, you ask whether our efforts werehumanitarian in any way,” Lenny says. “Because you’re generous like that.”

“Exactly. Thank you,” I say, giving Kat the finger.

“Oy,” Jodi says. “Oy.”

“Ditto that,” Kat says, “and add a couple Hail Marys.”

Kat and I will lose our jobs. Jodi and I will lose ourhusbands, our children.

Okay, maybe I’m being dramatic, but I’ve got to believeMasterCard at a time like this: The price of fun is truly priceless.

“I thought I wanted to be famous,” Jodi says, finallymoving away from Yiddish expletives.

“And so you are,” I say. “Infamous, at any rate.”

“Oy!”

“It’s a pretty clear shot, actually. And we all look likewe’re having a blast,” Kat says. “I really like it!”

“Here.” Jodi shoos away her beloved iPad. “You can haveit.” She excuses herself to the bathroom. “I need to try and wash the guilt offmy face.”

Lenny intercepts the device and reads the blurb aloud. “Rumorsthat Tim Cubix walked off the set of his latest picture, Croc of Lies,prove false after all. Cubix’s manager explained to E! that when Tim got wordof Miami’s gay pride parade, he rushed to be by the side of his longtimefriend—and Ruby Richmond impersonator—Dixie Normous. Dixie is a well-knownfigure in South Beach, beloved for her long legs, big lips and even biggercommitment to the legalization of same-sex marriage. ‘I’m a humanitarian whohappens to be an actor, not the other way around,’ said Cubix, when asked abouthis choice to leave the production set for a day. ‘The director of the film wasin full support of my decision; he’s not a snake like some other people inHollywood. And this film’s gonna rock!’”

I smile. Tim, your secret is safe with me, I think.

I take another glance at the tabloid. Was that really us,only a few hours ago?

Kat’s right, though. It’s a great shot.

“And what about same-sex marriage?” I ask, looking at Kat.

“I’m all for it!” she says. “As long as I don’t have tomarry anyone of any sex anytime soon, it’s cool with me.”

Good answer, I think. Supportive but noncommittal in anypersonal way. “I knew I heard someone snapping photos this morning,” I say.

“There was tons of press there, actually, come to think ofit. I’m sure we’re plastered all over the Internet by now,” Kat says, seeminglybemused by this recent turn of events.

“And how do you think we’re going to explain this to theHadley School Board?” I ask.

“Tim needed us?” She shrugs, hearing how that sounds. “Idunno. We’ll figure something out.”

“And what if Lee sees this?” I ask, thinking of Jodi’shusband and kids happening across this image on the web. “And…Doug?”

“Jodi needed us?” she says. “Jodi needed Tim?”

None of it sounds convincing.

“Oy vey,” I say, for once agreeing wholeheartedly withJodi.

Chapter 27

It is six o’clock at night. I stand outside the frontdoor to my house, keys in hand, almost ready to come face-to-face with myhusband. The truth is that even though I know Doug knows that I was with Jodiand Kat, I still plan on lying to him a little bit about the events of the pasttwo days.

My logic is plain and simple. I took leave of my senses,and now I’m back. I have no interest in burdening Doug with details of my kisswith MC Lenny Katzenberg. That’s in the past. I tried it, I didn’t like it, I’mdone with cheating. I’d like to spare Doug the humiliation and rage over onetiny indiscretion. And I’d like to spare myself the pain of having disappointedhim, which I know I have.

I suppose I’m a coward. I’d like to avoid a big ugly scenewhere we yell and scream and cry. I’d like to think that, because I made amistake and learned from it, I’m bringing my better self back to the marriage,and that’s all Doug needs to know. I’d like to think that we can move forward together,without me having to acknowledge disloyalty from the recent past.

Right now, as I hear his footsteps moving solidly acrossthe hard wood floors on my living room and approaching the front door, I liketo think that that we can work this thing out nicely by just brushing it allunder the carpet.

Doug opens the door, his face steady and unreadable.“Lauren,” he says. “There you are.” If he’s surprised to see me a day earlierthan expected, he doesn’t show it. He pushes the door open further to reveal apolice officer standing to his right.

Clearly, Doug has other plans for me.

I am seated on the living room couch, feeling much calmernow that I know the children are fine—at the park with Laney as we speak—andthat, apparently, Doug doesn’t want to have me arrested. Yet. But that’s asmuch as I know.

I look to Doug for clarification, and he shushes me withhis eyes. It’s the same look he gives me when I’d like to rip into mymother-in-law during some perfectly awful Hallmark holiday, so I know it well.In those situations, Doug usually steps in, and here he does the same.

I eye the police officer, taking in his sandy buzz cut andbright blue eyes. He looks very young, like he’s fresh out of the academy.

Doug and the officer are both standing,