The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

tugging at this affair of Luther’s navigation. The Protestant doctors had demonstrated, that he had not sailed right before the wind, as the Popish doctors had pretended; and as everyone knew there was no sailing full in the teeth of it⁠—they were going to settle, in case he had sailed, how many points he was off; whether Martin had doubled the cape, or had fallen upon a lee-shore; and no doubt, as it was an enquiry of much edification, at least to those who understood this sort of navigation, they had gone on with it in spite of the size of the stranger’s nose, had not the size of the stranger’s nose drawn off the attention of the world from what they were about⁠⸺⁠it was their business to follow.

The abbess of Quedlingberg and her four dignitaries was no stop; for the enormity of the stranger’s nose running full as much in their fancies as their case of conscience⁠⸺⁠the affair of their placket-holes kept cold⁠—in a word, the printers were ordered to distribute their types⁠⸺⁠all controversies dropp’d.

’Twas a square cap with a silver tassel upon the crown of it⁠—to a nutshell⁠—to have guessed on which side of the nose the two universities would split.

’Tis above reason, cried the doctors on one side.

’Tis below reason, cried the others.

’Tis faith, cried one.

’Tis a fiddlestick, said the other.

’Tis possible, cried the one.

’Tis impossible, said the other.

God’s power is infinite, cried the Nosarians, he can do anything.

He can do nothing, replied the Antinosarians, which implies contradictions.

He can make matter think, said the Nosarians.

As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of a sow’s ear, replied the Antinosarians.

He cannot make two and two five, replied the Popish doctors.⁠⸺’Tis false, said their other opponents.⁠⸺⁠

Infinite power is infinite power, said the doctors who maintained the reality of the nose.⁠—It extends only to all possible things, replied the Lutherans.

By God in heaven, cried the Popish doctors, he can make a nose, if he thinks fit, as big as the steeple of Strasburg.

Now the steeple of Strasburg being the biggest and the tallest church-steeple to be seen in the whole world, the Antinosarians denied that a nose of 575 geometrical feet in length could be worn, at least by a middle-siz’d man⁠⸺⁠The Popish doctors swore it could⁠—The Lutheran doctors said No;⁠—it could not.

This at once started a new dispute, which they pursued a great way, upon the extent and limitation of the moral and natural attributes of God⁠—That controversy led them naturally into Thomas Aquinas, and Thomas Aquinas to the devil.

The stranger’s nose was no more heard of in the dispute⁠—it just served as a frigate to launch them into the gulf of school-divinity⁠⸺⁠and then they all sailed before the wind.

Heat is in proportion to the want of true knowledge.

The controversy about the attributes, etc., instead of cooling, on the contrary had inflamed the Strasburgers’ imaginations to a most inordinate degree⁠⸺⁠The less they understood of the matter, the greater was their wonder about it⁠—they were left in all the distresses of desire unsatisfied⁠⸺⁠saw their doctors, the Parchmentarians, the Brassarians, the Turpentarians, on one side⁠—the Popish doctors on the other, like Pantagruel and his companions in quest of the oracle of the bottle, all embarked out of sight.

⸺⁠The poor Strasburgers left upon the beach!

⸺⁠What was to be done?⁠—No delay⁠—the uproar increased⁠⸺⁠everyone in disorder⁠⸺⁠the city gates set open.⁠⸺⁠

Unfortunate Strasburgers! was there in the storehouse of nature⁠⸻was there in the lumber-rooms of learning⁠⸻was there in the great arsenal of chance, one single engine left undrawn forth to torture your curiosities, and stretch your desires, which was not pointed by the hand of Fate to play upon your hearts?⁠⸺⁠I dip not my pen into my ink to excuse the surrender of yourselves⁠—’tis to write your panegyrick. Show me a city so macerated with expectation⁠⸺⁠who neither eat, or drank, or slept, or prayed, or hearkened to the calls either of religion or nature for seven-and-twenty days together, who could have held out one day longer.

On the twenty-eighth the courteous stranger had promised to return to Strasburg.

Seven thousand coaches (Slawkenbergius must certainly have made some mistake in his numerical characters) 7,000 coaches⁠⸺⁠15,000 single-horse chairs⁠—20,000 wagons, crowded as full as they could all hold with senators, counsellors, syndicks⁠—beguines, widows, wives, virgins, canons, concubines, all in their coaches⁠—The abbess of Quedlingberg, with the prioress, the deaness and sub-chantress, leading the procession in one coach, and the dean of Strasburg, with the four great dignitaries of his chapter, on her left-hand⁠—the rest following higglety-pigglety as they could; some on horseback⁠⸺⁠some on foot⁠⸺⁠some led⁠⸺⁠some driven⁠⸺⁠some down the Rhine⁠⸺⁠some this way⁠⸺⁠some that⁠⸺⁠all set out at sunrise to meet the courteous stranger on the road.

Haste we now towards the catastrophe of my tale⁠⸻I say Catastrophe (cries Slawkenbergius) inasmuch as a tale, with parts rightly disposed, not only rejoiceth (gaudet) in the Catastrophe and Peripetia of a Drama, but rejoiceth moreover in all the essential and integrant parts of it⁠⸺⁠it has its Protasis, Epitasis, Catastasis, its Catastrophe or Peripetia growing one out of the other in it, in the order Aristotle first planted them⁠⸺⁠without which a tale had better never be told at all, says Slawkenbergius, but be kept to a man’s self.

In all my ten tales, in all my ten decads, have I Slawkenbergius tied down every tale of them as tightly to this rule, as I have done this of the stranger and his nose.

⸺⁠From his first parley with the sentinel, to his leaving the city of Strasburg, after pulling off his crimson-sattin pair of breeches, is the Protasis or first entrance⁠⸺⁠where the characters of the Personæ Dramatis are just touched in, and the subject slightly begun.

The Epitasis, wherein the action is more fully entered upon and heightened, till it arrives at its state or height called the Catastasis, and which usually takes up the 2nd and 3rd act, is included within that busy period of my tale, betwixt the first night’s uproar about the nose, to the conclusion of the trumpeter’s wife’s lectures upon it in the