The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman Laurence Sterne (short novels to read .txt) 📖

bitter draught, Diego, but oh! ’tis embitter’d still more by dying un⁠⸺⸺”

She could proceed no farther.

Slawkenbergius supposes the word intended was unconvinced, but her strength would not enable her to finish her letter.

The heart of the courteous Diego overflowed as he read the letter⁠⸻he ordered his mule forthwith and Fernandez’s horse to be saddled; and as no vent in prose is equal to that of poetry in such conflicts⁠⸺⁠chance, which as often directs us to remedies as to diseases, having thrown a piece of charcoal into the window⁠⸺⁠Diego availed himself of it, and whilst the hostler was getting ready his mule, he eased his mind against the wall as follows.

Ode

Harsh and untuneful are the notes of love,
Unless my Julia strikes the key,
Her hand alone can touch the part,
Whose dulcet move-
ment charms the heart,
And governs all the man with sympathetick sway.

2nd

O Julia!

The lines were very natural⁠⸺⁠for they were nothing at all to the purpose, says Slawkenbergius, and ’tis a pity there were no more of them; but whether it was that Seig. Diego was slow in composing verses⁠—or the hostler quick in saddling mules⁠⸺⁠is not averred; certain it was, that Diego’s mule and Fernandez’s horse were ready at the door of the inn, before Diego was ready for his second stanza; so without staying to finish his ode, they both mounted, sallied forth, passed the Rhine, traversed Alsace, shaped their course towards Lyons, and before the Strasburgers and the abbess of Quedlingberg had set out on their cavalcade, had Fernandez, Diego, and his Julia, crossed the Pyrenean mountains, and got safe to Valadolid.

’Tis needless to inform the geographical reader, that when Diego was in Spain, it was not possible to meet the courteous stranger in the Frankfort road; it is enough to say, that of all restless desires, curiosity being the strongest⁠⸺⁠the Strasburgers felt the full force of it; and that for three days and nights they were tossed to and fro in the Frankfort road, with the tempestuous fury of this passion, before they could submit to return home.⁠⸺⁠When alas! an event was prepared for them, of all other, the most grievous that could befal a free people.

As this revolution of the Strasburgers’ affairs is often spoken of, and little understood, I will, in ten words, says Slawkenbergius, give the world an explanation of it, and with it put an end to my tale.

Every body knows of the grand system of Universal Monarchy, wrote by order of Mons. Colbert, and put in manuscript into the hands of Lewis the fourteenth, in the year 1664.

’Tis as well known, that one branch out of many of that system, was the getting possession of Strasburg, to favour an entrance at all times into Suabia, in order to disturb the quiet of Germany⁠⸺⁠and that in consequence of this plan, Strasburg unhappily fell at length into their hands.

It is the lot of a few to trace out the true springs of this and suchlike revolutions⁠—The vulgar look too high for them⁠—Statesmen look too low⁠⸺⁠Truth (for once) lies in the middle.

What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a free city! cries one historian⁠—The Strasburgers deemed it a diminution of their freedom to receive an imperial garrison⁠⸺⁠so fell a prey to a French one.

The fate, says another, of the Strasburgers, may be a warning to all free people to save their money.⁠⸻They anticipated their revenues⁠⸺⁠brought themselves under taxes, exhausted their strength, and in the end became so weak a people, they had not strength to keep their gates shut, and so the French pushed them open.

Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbergius, ’twas not the French,⁠⸺’twas curiosity pushed them open⁠⸻The French indeed, who are ever upon the catch, when they saw the Strasburgers, men, women, and children, all marched out to follow the stranger’s nose⁠⸺⁠each man followed his own, and marched in.

Trade and manufactures have decayed and gradually grown down ever since⁠—but not from any cause which commercial heads have assigned; for it is owing to this only, that Noses have ever so run in their heads, that the Strasburgers could not follow their business.

Alas! alas! cries Slawkenbergius, making an exclamation⁠—it is not the first⁠⸺⁠and I fear will not be the last fortress that has been either won⁠⸺⁠or lost by Noses.

The end of
Slawkenbergius’s Tale

I

With all this learning upon Noses running perpetually in my father’s fancy⁠⸺⁠with so many family prejudices⁠—and ten decads of such tales running on for ever along with them⁠⸺⁠how was it possible with such exquisite⁠⸺⁠was it a true nose?⁠⸺⁠That a man with such exquisite feelings as my father had, could bear the shock at all below stairs⁠⸺⁠or indeed above stairs, in any other posture, but the very posture I have described?

⸺⁠Throw yourself down upon the bed, a dozen times⁠⸺⁠taking care only to place a looking-glass first in a chair on one side of it, before you do it⁠—But was the stranger’s nose a true nose, or was it a false one?

To tell that beforehand, madam, would be to do injury to one of the best tales in the Christian-world; and that is the tenth of the tenth decad, which immediately follows this.

This tale, cried Slawkenbergius, somewhat exultingly, has been reserved by me for the concluding tale of my whole work; knowing right well, that when I shall have told it, and my reader shall have read it thro’⁠—’twould be even high time for both of us to shut up the book; inasmuch, continues Slawkenbergius, as I know of no tale which could possibly ever go down after it.

’Tis a tale indeed!

This sets out with the first interview in the inn at Lyons, when Fernandez left the courteous stranger and his sister Julia alone in her chamber, and is overwritten

The Intricacies
of
Diego and Julia

Heavens! thou art a strange creature, Slawkenbergius! what a whimsical view of the involutions of the heart of woman hast thou opened! how this can ever be translated, and yet if this specimen of Slawkenbergius’s tales, and the exquisitiveness of his moral, should please the world⁠—translated shall a couple of