Lauren Takes Leave Gerstenblatt, Julie (classic literature list txt) 📖

moreapplause than Rabbi Cantor’s joke about his own name. Lenny smiles at the crowdand changes course. “What I mean is, what’s up? Mah koreh?”

“This kid, he’s Jewish?” Lee’s great-aunt leans over andwhispers to no one in particular. “He’s some kind of entertainer, like amagician?”

“He’s an accountant,” I clarify. “With a penchant forpopular culture.”

She shrugs and waves her hand across the space, like itdoesn’t really matter what I say; she’s already decided that he’s an ass.

Lenny continues. “As many of you may know, this week, welost a wonderful member of our Jewish community, and the Moncrieffs—located attable nine, can I get a spotlight on them, please, thanks—lost a beloved memberof their family. That is why Temple Beth El would like to dedicate tonight’sevents to the memory of Sonia Goldberg, beloved great-grandmother, grandmother,mother, and friend.” He pauses as real applause fills the room. “Jodi?”

Jodi emerges from behind the ballroom doors. The spotlightfinds her and there is a collective intake of breath.

Because, ladies and gentlemen, she is breathtaking.

Picture a petite version of Cindy Crawford with a dash ofFran Drescher thrown in for attitude. Toss in a black-fringed micromini spandexdress, fishnet stockings, and patent leather fuck-me pumps, and you’ve gotone-tenth of the idea.

“This is a memorial?” Jodi’s great-aunt asks. “For mysister, Sonia?”

“And so much more, Aunt Elaine,” Lee adds.

With a hand from Lenny, Jodi manages to step up to thepodium without showing much of her black lace underwear. Under the spotlights,her makeup sparkles and her hair cascades in a shiny burnt-red mane. “Thank youall so much for coming this evening to support us here at Temple Beth El.” Shepauses and lets her gaze travel meaningfully around the room, milking thismoment for all that it’s worth. “As Lenny just mentioned, we lost mygrandmother this past week in Miami.”

And then we found her, I feel like adding.

“It was a tremendous blow to us all, softened only by thefact that I had traveled to Florida to see her the day before.”

“As they say, timing is everything!” Lenny adds overJodi’s shoulder.

Jodi is only momentarily flustered by this unexpectedoutburst and quickly silences Lenny with a death stare before turning back toher adoring fans. “As many of you know, my grandmother, Sonia Goldberg, was aZiegfeld Girl in the 1930s. She was passionate about Judaism, gardening, andborscht-belt comedians.”

“Which is why Morris eventually left her,” Great-AuntElaine adds, none too softly.

With tears welling up in her eyes but not quite ruiningthe mascara, Jodi comes to her conclusion. “And so, I have asked my verytalented friend here, MC Lenny Katzenberg, to put together a video montage withmusical accompaniment as a dedication to Sonia’s rich and varied life.”Applause follows, with standing ovations. “Lenny, if you will?”

“Of course, Jodi,” Lenny says, taking over the covetedspot at the mic.

And so, the lights dim once more and the video begins.

Surprisingly, it begins with an image of the entireCubix-Richmond family, seated on a couch in what looks like the living room oftheir home.

“Lex Sheridan!” Jodi calls out to the darkness, to Lenny,to the screen, to God.

“Is this a service announcement from the United Nations?” Great-AuntElaine wants to know.

“Yes,” I say.

“Hi, Jodi,” Tim starts. “My family and I would just liketo express our deepest condolences to you and your entire family. It has been aprivilege and a pleasure to get to know you, and I’m sure so many of the peoplein that room tonight can attest the same. Yours may not be a household name,but trust me, you are famous to those who love you and need you so verymuch in their lives.”

Jodi scans the crowd and catches my eye. I wink and giveher the thumbs-up simultaneously. I see Kat across the room doing the same.

“And, Jodi,” Ruby says, “the Richmond-Cubix foundationwould like to help support your temple’s efforts to assist impoverished orphansin Somalia, and have decided to pledge fifty thousand dollars in SoniaGoldberg’s name to this great cause.”

“Thank you, thank you!” Jodi says, blowing kisses at thescreen, although there’s no one really there to respond. I’m pretty sure herthanks are for the notoriety as much as—if not more than—for the funds.

“Have a wonderful evening!” Slim, Leo, Leyla, Bette, Bubba,and Didi say, waving as the camera fades out.

A low murmur of voices starts humming around the room aspeople ask, “Was that really…?” and “How does Jodi…?”

Jodi’s mom reaches across the table to tap me on the arm.“What was that?” she asks. “Do you know anything about it?”

“Not a clue,” I say.

Doug smiles. “Ditto here.”

I whisper to Doug, “See? Isn’t it kind of fun to lie likethat?”

“To Jodi’s mom, sure. To each other? No, not at all.” Hetakes another sip of kosher wine and grimaces as it goes down. Turning back tothe crowd, I notice Doug watching Lenny.

I’m paranoid, certainly. I mean, everyone in theroom is eyeing Lenny. He’s over six feet tall and is standing at a podium witha spotlight in his face and a microphone in hand. He’s just brought Rubix Cubeto Temple Beth El, for crying out loud. Everyone is watching him for a reason.And that reason has got nothing to do with me.

Right?

MC Lenny is hushing the crowd and tapping on his computerto bring Sonia’s video onto the screen.

The sound of Sister Sledge’s “We Are Family” fills theroom with its familiar disco beat, and I feel a little disappointed in Lennyfor selecting such a conventional tune to accompany the memorial montage ofsuch an unconventional woman like Sonia Goldberg. Then the music begins toblend with something else, and suddenly, a rapper’s voice sings out “You couldnever be replaced…to have one more dance with you, Mama…”

I’ve never heard this song before, but it’s perfect forthis moment. Tears fill my eyes.

The lights come up to thunderous applause. “Thank you, MCLenny, for that heartfelt homage to Sonia Goldberg.” Lenny gives a wave and acurt bow from the front of the room. He then goes about dismantling hiselectronics. “Now, to the main event!” Rabbi Cantor cheers.

“Give it up for the main event, people!” Leslie calls,standing on her chair, wobbly. Her husband gently pulls her down.

“About time,” Great-Aunt Elaine yawns.

I try to make