The Country Wife William Wycherley (best classic books to read .txt) 📖

his parts⁠—we wits rail and make love often, but to show our parts: as we have no affections, so we have no malice, we⁠— Alithea He said you were a wretch below an injury⁠— Sparkish Pshaw! Harcourt Damned, senseless, impudent, virtuous jade! Well, since she won’t let me have her, she’ll do as good, she’ll make me hate her. Aside. Alithea A common bubble⁠— Sparkish Pshaw! Alithea A coward⁠— Sparkish Pshaw, pshaw! Alithea A senseless, drivelling idiot⁠— Sparkish How! did he disparage my parts? Nay, then, my honour’s concerned, I can’t put up that, sir, by the world⁠—brother, help me to kill him⁠—Aside. I may draw now, since we have the odds of him:⁠—’tis a good occasion, too, before my mistress⁠—Offers to draw. Alithea Hold, hold! Sparkish What, what? Alithea Aside. I must not let ’em kill the gentleman neither, for his kindness to me: I am so far from hating him, that I wish my gallant had his person and understanding. Nay, if my honour⁠— Sparkish I’ll be thy death. Alithea Hold, hold! Indeed, to tell the truth, the gentleman said after all, that what he spoke was but out of friendship to you. Sparkish How! say, I am, I am a fool, that is, no wit, out of friendship to me? Alithea Yes, to try whether I was concerned enough for you; and made love to me only to be satisfied of my virtue, for your sake. Harcourt Kind, however. Aside. Sparkish Nay, if it were so, my dear rogue, I ask thee pardon; but why would not you tell me so, faith? Harcourt Because I did not think on’t, faith. Sparkish Come, Horner does not come; Harcourt, let’s be gone to the new play.⁠—Come, madam. Alithea I will not go, if you intend to leave me alone in the box, and run into the pit, as you use to do. Sparkish Pshaw! I’ll leave Harcourt with you in the box to entertain you, and that’s as good; if I sat in the box, I should be thought no judge but of trimmings.⁠—Come away, Harcourt, lead her down. Exeunt Sparkish, Harcourt, and Alithea. Pinchwife Well, go thy ways, for the flower of the true town fops, such as spend their estates before they come to ’em, and are cuckolds before they’re married. But let me go look to my own freehold.⁠—How! Enter Lady Fidget, Mrs. Dainty Fidget, and Mrs. Squeamish. Lady Fidget Your servant, sir: where is your lady? We are come to wait upon her to the new play. Pinchwife New play! Lady Fidget And my husband will wait upon you presently. Pinchwife Aside. Damn your civility.⁠—Aloud. Madam, by no means; I will not see Sir Jasper here, till I have waited upon him at home; nor shall my wife see you till she has waited upon your ladyship at your lodgings. Lady Fidget Now we are here, sir? Pinchwife No, Madam. Mrs. Dainty Pray, let us see her. Mrs. Squeamish We will not stir till we see her. Pinchwife Aside. A pox on you all!⁠—Goes to the door, and returns. She has locked the door, and is gone abroad. Lady Fidget No, you have locked the door, and she’s within. Mrs. Dainty They told us below she was here. Pinchwife Aside. Will nothing do?⁠—Aloud. Well, it must out then. To tell you the truth, ladies, which I was afraid to let you know before, lest it might endanger your lives, my wife has just now the smallpox come out upon her; do not be frightened; but pray be gone, ladies; you shall not stay here in danger of your lives; pray get you gone, ladies. Lady Fidget No, no, we have all had ’em. Mrs. Squeamish Alack, alack! Mrs. Dainty Come, come, we must see how it goes with her; I understand the disease. Lady Fidget Come! Pinchwife Aside. Well, there is no being too hard for women at their own weapon, lying, therefore I’ll quit the field. Exit. Mrs. Squeamish Here’s an example of jealousy! Lady Fidget Indeed, as the world goes, I wonder there are no more jealous, since wives are so neglected. Mrs. Dainty Pshaw! as the world goes, to what end should they be jealous? Lady Fidget Foh! ’tis a nasty world. Mrs. Squeamish That men of parts, great acquaintance, and quality, should take up with and spend themselves and fortunes in keeping little playhouse creatures, foh! Lady Fidget Nay, that women of understanding, great acquaintance, and good quality, should fall a-keeping too of little creatures, foh! Mrs. Squeamish Why, ’tis the men of quality’s fault; they never visit women of honour and reputation as they used to do; and have not so much as common civility for ladies of our rank, but use us with the same indifferency and ill-breeding as if we were all married to ’em. Lady Fidget She says true; ’tis an arrant shame women of quality should be so slighted; methinks birth⁠—birth should go for something; I have known men admired, courted, and followed for their titles only. Mrs. Squeamish Ay, one would think men of honour should not love, no more than marry, out of their own rank. Mrs. Dainty Fy, fy, upon ’em! they are come to think cross breeding for themselves best, as well as for their dogs and horses. Lady Fidget They are dogs and horses for’t. Mrs. Squeamish One would think, if not for love, for vanity a little. Mrs. Dainty Nay, they do satisfy their vanity upon us sometimes; and are kind to us in their report, tell all the world they lie with us. Lady Fidget Damned rascals, that we should be only wronged by ’em! To report a man has had a person, when he has not had a person, is the greatest wrong in the whole world that can be done to a person. Mrs. Squeamish Well, ’tis an arrant shame noble persons should be so wronged and neglected. Lady Fidget But still ’tis an arranter shame for a noble person to neglect her own honour, and defame her own noble person with little inconsiderable fellows, foh! Mrs. Dainty I suppose the crime against our honour is the same with a man of quality as with another. Lady Fidget How! no sure, the man of quality is likest one’s husband, and therefore the fault should be