Lauren Takes Leave Gerstenblatt, Julie (classic literature list txt) 📖

When the song ends, we take our seats for dessert.

“So?” Jodi asks, sliding her petite tush onto my chairwith me. I scoot over to make room. She looks from me to Doug. “How’d it go?”

“Great! Good,” Doug says, clearly trying to make up forhis sobering, rational point of view in the car. “No problems. It went offwithout a hitch, to use Kat’s words.”

“Excellent!” Jodi purrs. “And,” she asks, lookingfrom me to Doug and back again, “are you two co-pathetic?”

“Copasetic?” Doug asks aloud.

“Great!” Jodi concludes. “Now if only my night could runas smoothly.” She scans the room, appraising the competition one final time.“That trustee over there with the toupee and the cane is surprisingly light onhis feet.”

“I have a feeling you’ll be happy with the outcome, Jo,” Isay, smiling inwardly.

Chocolate mousse in a Star of David chocolate-molded cupis set in front of each place setting. Jodi eagerly moves back to her chair todevour her dessert, speaking to her daughters and me between bites.

“You know, girls, you should be very proud of mommy andlearn from my example. I worked really hard! I was so nervous.But now it’s all behind me and I’ll always have the memories.” There’snothing quite like watching Jodi wax philosophical. She stares off to themiddle distance above Great-Aunt Elaine and sighs. “It was a once-in-a-lifetimeevent, and I’m just glad I got to participate in it.”

“So, you don’t care anymore who the winner is?” I have toask.

“No! Of course I still care,” she scoffs, pouringherself an extra large glass of Mt. Eden pinot noir from a half-empty bottle onthe table. “You do think it’ll be me, don’t you?”

Lee comes over to the table and takes a seat to my right.

“You look relieved,” Doug says. I nod my head inagreement.

“Nah, Worthing, just proud of myself.” He digs into themousse. Mouth full of foamy dessert, he explains, “I decided to buy a few extraballots, to, you know, secure the outcome.” His voice drops a level and he nodsin Jodi’s direction. “The competition this year was fierce. All the menfrom morning minyan are voting for Morris.”

Luckily, Jodi’s too busy retying her daughters’ hair bowsto notice our whispering.

I think of all the ballots Kat and I already filled out inJodi’s favor, and wince inwardly at the unnecessary expense Lee just doled out.

“How many did you buy?” Doug asks.

Lee holds out his palm. Five isn’t bad, I think. Unless hemeans fifty?

I’m about to do the mental math on that when a screechcomes over the microphone.

“Everyone, if I may have your attention at the front,”Rabbi Cantor says into the mic. “It’s time to announce the winners!”

The lights flash several times as all the dancers arecalled to the center of the room. Jodi’s nervousness is suddenly palpable, atleast to me. She stands straight and confident, holding her partner’s hand,just like couples do on the real Dancing with the Stars. But she isrolling her ankles around, fidgety. The rabbi takes the cordless mic from itsstand and approaches the dancers, who form a horseshoe around him.

“Let’s give all of these fantastic dancers another roundof applause!” he begins. “Their hard work paid off tenfold tonight. I know thatI myself have not been quite so entertained since Morris and SylviaGlickstein’s wedding!” Some cackles come from the far right corner and therabbi turns his attention to them. “Remember that klezmer band? Incredible.”

“Get to it, already!” Elaine calls out.

Doug, as bored as Jodi’s relatives, notices a book ofmatches on the table bearing the slogan Temple Beth El: Where Judaism Is onFire. He slumps over his chair and starts lighting matches, dropping them intohis sweating water goblet right before burning his fingers.

The panel of three judges is introduced: Norman, thetemple president; Rebecca, the director of the preschool; and Rabbi Cantor.True to reality-TV doctrines, the judges begin to heckle and generally messwith the minds of all the contestants. The bottom half of Jodi’s face issmiling while her eyes glow with hatred, as each judge says something slightlyoff-color and derogatory to each participant.

“Of course, Mrs. Moncrieff missed her calling, choosingpredictable family life over a scintillating career on the Las Vegas strip,”Rebecca, the preschool director jokes.

What’s more insulting: being told that your life as astay-at-home mother is unfulfilling or that your level of talent would havequalified you only for Vegas?

I imagine Jodi blowing off each judge’s head with nothingmore than the fierce red light emanating from her eye sockets. Bam! Bam! Bam!Like a scene from Star Wars: Battle of the Temple of Beth El.

Doug lights another match and lets it burn down. The smellof sulfur fills our corner. “Find something else to do,” I whisper.

At long last, the award ceremony officially begins, andRabbi Cantor once again takes possession of the microphone. “First of all, Ihave to say that, thanks to your enthusiastic voting, the temple has set a newrecord for fundraising, collecting over ten thousand dollars in one night! Thisis unheard of, especially during an economic crisis like the one we are nowexperiencing.” He pauses, removes his glasses, and wipes away a tear. Puttinghis glasses back on, he takes a deep breath and continues. “Also, I have to saythat it was very difficult to pick a winner. You are all winners tonight, andso these certificates will reflect that.”

Uh-oh. A sinking feeling develops in the pit of mystomach.

“What does that mean?” Doug asks. “All winners?” Wewatch as the charred remains of a paper napkin float down to the table.

“Bad sign!” Kat says, crossing the room and crouching bymy chair. “Very bad!”

“So, the first certificate goes to Morris and his partner,Svetlana. For the best moves by anyone under—and over—the age of sixty-five!”The man with the toupee and cane graciously accepts his certificate by kissingit, then Svetlana.

The crowd goes “Ooh!” and a woman who is presumably hiswife calls out, “No tongue, please, Morris!”

“Next, never to be outdone, is Gary and, again, the lovelySvetlana. Gary, rumor has it that you signed up for eighteen extra dancesessions. Is that true?”

Gary grins from ear to ear like a schoolboy and nods,giving a thumbs-up to the rabbi.

“The guy danced