Lauren Takes Leave Gerstenblatt, Julie (classic literature list txt) 📖

in a chair,” Lee says, clearlydisgusted.

“You are the most dedicated to the art of the dance!” therabbi says. Gary steps toward the rabbi, who shoos him away. “Now, don’t move amuscle! We’ll bring the certificate right to you!” Good-natured laughterfollows.

This whole awards ceremony is starting to remind me ofLittle League. Last spring, Ben won the certificate for Most Punctual Player.He wanted to know if that meant he had scored the most home runs. Shamefully,we told him that it had.

It seems unlikely that we can fool Jodi in this way,though neither Kat nor I is beneath trying.

“And now, for the best dance couple! They showed us how toswing like the pros. Their combined experience and enthusiasm could not bematched.”

Kat takes my hand in hers and we squeeze hard.

Rabbi Cantor stalls for maximum drama before announcingthe winners’ names, and I think, Did he say swing? That doesn’t soundlike the dance style of Jodi’s choreography, exactly.

“Leslie and Javier, this one’s for you!”

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Jodi’s jaw drops as we all watch Leslie—sunglass-wearing,evil beyotch Leslie—claim what should be Jodi’s prize.

“Shalom, people!” Leslie calls to the crowd, pumping herfist in the air. “God bless you!”

“I thought that the older gentleman was much better thanthis fatty,” Great-Aunt Elaine says, to no one in particular. Lee gives her anodd look. She quickly adds, “But, of course, Jodi was the best!”

“Of course!” Jodi’s children, mother, Lee, Doug, and Iadd.

Finally, after the tin man gets his heart, the lion hiscourage, and the scarecrow a brain, Jodi is given the award for best costume.People applaud enthusiastically as she graciously accepts the certificate, wavingthe white paper over her head like a surrendering general after battle.

“Yea, mom!” Jodi’s daughters cheer.

She walks toward us with a sad smile on her face, and hugsher youngest daughter to her chest.

“Oh well…” I begin, “I guess it wouldn’t have been fair tohave just one winner.”

Her flat palm silences me. “Just stop.”

“Okey dokey.” I sink into my seat next to Firestarter.

Kat tries to console her with humor. “It could be worse:the dance duo of Deborah and Devorah could have tried to hit on you.”

Jodi immediately bursts into tears. “That’s true! Theydidn’t even try to hit on me!”

“Nice job, honey,” Lee comments absentmindedly, pattingJodi on the back. “You’ll always be my superstar.” She pushes past him and goesto sit with her mother, who immediately begins force-feeding her chocolates.

Lee turns his attention to Doug and leans toward him,whispering. “All those ballots I bought. What a scam!” He shakes his head in acombination of disbelief and admiration for the slippery fundraising techniquesof his beloved temple. “They didn’t even count ’em!

“Not to mention the fifty-thousand-dollar donation thatJodi brought in from Tim and Ruby,” I add. “That should have guaranteed her thewin.”

Doug picks up a lit candle and starts to let the meltingwax drip onto his hand. “Temple fundraising is like voting in Florida.”

Lee doesn’t respond. “I mean, Jodi wasn’t the only onethey fucked over tonight,” he muses.

“Huh?” we ask in unison.

“I think I just bought enough ballots to finance nextyear’s trip to Israel.” He waves to the rabbi halfheartedly.

“Did you really buy fifty?” I ask.

“More like five hundred,” Lee says, raising his eyebrows,seemingly shocked at his own generosity. “At five bucks a pop.”

“Ouch!” Doug and I look down at his hand, now red andblistered.

Lee, still watching Rabbi Cantor from across the room,shakes his head sadly. “No kidding, dude. No kidding.”

Chapter 35

Doug and I make our good-byes and head to the parkinglot. We are almost to our car when Leslie appears out of nowhere. Alone.Shrouded in dark glasses and night.

“What do you want?” Doug asks, stepping in front of me asa human shield from whatever animosity Leslie might hurl my way.

“To apologize,” she says simply.

I’m speechless.

“Really?” Doug asks, incredulous but not unkind.

“Yes.” Leslie removes her glasses and meets my gaze.Yeegads, she looks even more ghastly than before. Her skin is settling into agreen-and-purple tie-dye design where it isn’t covered in bandages. I try notto wince in horror and imagined pain. Then she adds, “I—I fell.”

“I knew it,” I say. “There was just no way I couldhave—”

“Well, hold on there, bimbo,” Leslie says, starting tosound more like herself. “You still ruined my party and caused me to get sixstitches across my left cheek, basically leaving me for dead on my living roomfloor.”

“I apologized and I tried to help! But youwere so mean and Kat wanted to leave and I was drunk and—”

Leslie cuts me off again. “And, Lauren, I have a serious, seriousdrinking problem, which only exacerbates my bipolar disorder.”

I don’t know what to say to that.

“So, sometimes, I’m a major bitch.” She shrugs. “Arage-aholic, as my team of doctors says.”

I just stare at her.

“I’m working on it, really I am. I mean, for starters, Ifound God tonight,” she says, gesturing back toward the temple. She smilesabsentmindedly, probably thinking about her sweet, holy victory on the dancefloor.

“But has God found you yet?” Doug asks underhis breath. I nudge him on the arm to shut him up.

She snaps back to attention, eyes flashing. “Now, that’sthe kind of stimuli that could send me right over the edge,” she hisses, teethclenched. She’s really trying to control her emotions, I’ll give her that much.It’s bizarre, like watching the Incredible Hulk as he goes through his transformation.

“Men are such jerks,” I say, trying to defuse her anger byblatantly dissing Doug.

“Hey!” he says.

“Total Neanderthals,” she agrees, seemingly soothed, atleast for the moment.

“You were saying?” I prod.

“Oh, yes.” She smiles with the half of her face that canstill move freely, clears her throat, and pulls her back up straight. “As partof my twenty-four-step program, I’m asking for your forgiveness.”

Then she bows her head. Like, in a genuflectionish way.And awaits my response.

Several days ago, my drunken clumsiness sent her to thehospital. And less than one hour ago, I entered her home illegally, stole hergoose-necked vanity mirror—among other nonessential items—and locked her cat ina bathroom. And now the woman is asking me for forgiveness.

“Uh…”

“Of course she forgives you,” Doug says. “Because everyonemakes mistakes, right?”

I grimace at Doug’s obvious use