The Bookshop of Second Chances Jackie Fraser (ebook reader macos .txt) 📖

how I felt when I saw it, her hands on him. Is that what he’s thinking about too? He looks embarrassed. As he should. I wonder if it was deliberate. Subconscious, maybe. If he was in love with her, and they wanted to be together. It was an easy way to do it. He never had to sit me down and say, ‘Thea, I’ve got something to tell you.’

I remember sitting at the kitchen table, waiting for him to come home from work, my brain full of static, unable to think straight. I didn’t shout or even cry, not to begin with. When he got in, I just waited until he came into the kitchen.

‘What are you doing?’ he asked me, and I pushed my phone across the table towards him and said, ‘I’m thinking this might be important.’

His face as he realized what had happened. I could almost hear it: the collapse of everything in my life.

I thought he’d beg me to forgive him. He didn’t though, he just said, ‘Shit.’ And looked at me and said, ‘It’s exactly what it looks like, I’m so sorry.’

I believe that, too – he was sorry. Sorry I found out, but also sorry for hurting me. I know he wouldn’t have chosen to do that, but it’s not like he chose not to, is it? It’s not a foregone conclusion, cheating on your spouse. You have to make decisions, a series of decisions, before you end up in a situation where your wife’s looking at a photograph of your dick in someone else’s mouth.

‘I know,’ he says, ‘I know. I’d been relieved that you didn’t suspect anything.’ He closes his eyes again. ‘All the words for this are so shitty,’ he says.

I laugh. ‘Yes. You could say that.’ I know what he means; it’s like I said to Edward, months ago. All such a cliché.

‘I suppose I thought it would go on for a while and then stop. I didn’t think we’d end up here. Like this. I used to sit in the car sometimes and say it out loud. “I’m having an affair.” But it never seemed… Oh, I don’t know. I’m sorry, Thea.’

I sigh. ‘I know. Anyway. Never mind all that. What did you want to talk to me about?’

‘Oh. Yes. Okay. The thing is. You’ll laugh,’ he says, ‘and who can blame you. But…’

There’s quite a long pause. I raise my eyebrows, waiting.

‘I think… Have I made a massive mistake? I think I might have done.’

He’s right, I do laugh: an explosive ‘HA’. It reminds me of my reaction to the news about the baby, that sob pushed up and out from my diaphragm in exactly the same unexpected fashion, loud enough for the old people in the corner to turn and look across.

‘I know. What sort of… I can’t even believe I’m saying it.’

‘To me, as well. Of all people.’

‘Yes.’

‘You shouldn’t be saying it to me, should you? What would you do if I said, oh yes, but don’t worry, we can fix it?’

He says nothing. I almost think that’s what he wants.

‘I’d be mad to, Chris. You can see that, can’t you? I mean you’re having a fucking baby.’

‘I know.’

‘Jesus.’

‘I know.’

I shake my head. ‘You don’t know at all. You’re a… I don’t even know what you are.’ I sigh. ‘But it’s just cold feet, isn’t it? You don’t mean it. If I said, “Okay, let’s fix it,” you’d be in as much trouble, or worse.’

‘I just… I don’t know if I can do it.’ He does look frightened; scared and exhausted. Not for the first time, I wonder what it’s like for him at home. Very different to how it used to be.

‘Bloody hell. So it’s not even like you’re saying, “Thea, I love you”?’ I shake my head at him. ‘You must think I’m a complete mug. Oh yeah, great, come on, let’s try again because you’re frightened by what you’ve done? I mean you’ve been shagging her for four years, Chris. That’s bloody ages.’

He doesn’t say anything.

‘Oh my God. I can’t believe it. I’m outraged.’

‘I do love you,’ he says.

‘Yeah, right.’

‘No, I do, of course I do. It’s the hardest thing about it all, isn’t it? If I didn’t, it would be easy.’

‘Pardon me for not seeing which bits were hard for you. I seem to remember you told me our marriage was dead – that seemed fairly final, don’t you think? I don’t see how you come back from that. “Oh no, hang on – not dead, just sleeping”? I hardly think so.’

‘There’s no need to be–’

I close my eyes and make a placatory motion with both hands. ‘Look. I don’t want to fall out with you. I’ll always have… I don’t want to hate you, do I? I’ve loved you so hard and for so long. But try and see it from my point of view for two seconds. I’m not here to help you, or offer support or succour. You decided you wanted to get that stuff elsewhere. Extracurricular everything. And I haven’t made a fuss, have I? Or not much of one. I could see in your face it was pointless. If I’d thought I could change your mind, I’d have tried. I’d have done anything.’

I hear my voice break, my words trembling. I will not cry. I won’t.

‘But that was then, and things are different now. Everything’s changed, hasn’t it? And the most significant change is little Mottram junior. Babies need fathers, and they don’t always get them, but you’ve no get-out, no excuse. We’ll get divorced, and you can marry Susanna, and I hope you’ll be happy. I’d like you to be happy because if I thought you’d messed up my whole life, and brought everything I’d worked to create, for decades, crashing down round my ears for nothing, I’d be absolutely bloody furious.’

I sit back in my chair, exhausted.

‘You’re right, of course,’ he says, after a moment.

‘You’re damn right I am. Honestly. You should be ashamed.’ I