Speak Unto Me by Angela Theresa Egic (good beach reads TXT) 📖

[SCENE ONE: A young man slides out of a window, onto the ledge of a tall building. ABRAHAM is scared, young and desperate.]

ABRAHAM
(To Heaven)
Forgive me, Lord, for I am a sinner. I know its Christmas Day, your birthday, Lord . . . but, I . . .

JESUS
Actually, based on the calendar changes; my birthday would be more like August

.

[From the wings, a man, JESUS, 32; dressed in jeans, longish hair, baseball cap and a hoodie wanders onto the ledge, looking a bit confused. He calmly moves in beside Abraham]

ABRAHAM
How’d you get out here . . . uh, mister?

JESUS
You called me.
(beat)
Jesus? . . . I mean, you said …Lord. A bit formal, don’t you think? You can call me Jesus or how about JC?

ABRAHAM
I have a knife, mister . . . right here, in my pocket

.

[He cautiously reaches into his pocket, and leaves it there as he nearly falls over the edge. Jesus calmly stands there and smiles sweetly.

Abraham clings to the wall behind him; wide-eyed, glares at Jesus.]

JESUS
I thought you were saying happy birthday. You’d think this would be the perfect day to return

?

[Abraham stares at him in shock or fear. Uncomfortable silence.]

JESUS
So, Abraham, how’s it hangin’ this Christmas morning?

ABRAHAM
What the fuck? How’d you know my name….where’s my wallet? Oh my GOD, you’re the one who took my wallet in Macy’s yesterday!

JESUS
God? Not really . . . Source is more accurate. God is actually energy.
(to himself)
Wish they’d get that right for once.

ABRAHAM
Who put you up to this?

JESUS
You.

ABRAHAM
Are you on Facebook? If you are . . . I am so unfriending you!

JESUS
I quit Facebook last year. I was getting addicted to Farmville, and Mary M. was mad when I didn’t put her name in my relationship status.

ABRAHAM
Oh. Son of bitch…if I get out of here alive; I’m totally kicking your ass!

JESUS
(matter-of-factly)
No, my mother is a virgin. Not a bitch.

ABRAHAM
Where are the fucking cops when you need ‘em?

[Abraham prays . . . furiously.]

Lord, if you get me out of here … I won’t ever do this again!

JESUS
Yeah, if you succeed, you can’t do it again anyway…right

?!

[A cell phone rings to the tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus”. Jesus answers.]

Bless you....Oh, hey Mom!...all right…gentle and loving…sorry, Mom. (he hangs up.) Be not afraid, my child. I come in peace.

ABRAHAM
Listen, wacko, I am a black belt!

JESUS
Yeah, when you were twelve! So, what you’re telling me, Abraham, is that you and several million other people have been asking me to come back here . . . for years. Now that I’ve returned, you want to kick my ass

?

[He looks up to the sky.]

See, I told you this would be a problem!
(getting angry)
Humans! You tear open the ozone, you continue to waste, kill and war; and when these things fail or hurt you – you want me, just me, to come back and fix it all

!

[Getting angry and frustrated.]

Don’t you all get it? I am just a man! A man -- like any other man!
Abe, you create your own reality! You are God . . . just as much as I am!

ABRAHAM
You’re stalking me! Dude, I’m straight . . .

JESUS
Soon you’ll be flat, though

!

[Abraham just stares at Jesus. Jesus laughs too much and then it turns to tears.]

ABRAHAM
What the fuck? Why are you crying, dude!?

JESUS
If you jump, that will be another one who doesn’t believe I’m back. It’s just so hard being back here and, you know, it ended so roughly last time. I wanted to wait until 2021, when you finally get space cars and live-action Playstation 103 In The Sky. It’s gonna be a blast!

ABRAHAM
Really? (starts adding) I can get Playstation 103 In The Sky in only eleven years? Wow! Very cool. Who invents it

?!

[Jesus holds out his hand, for Abraham to take it and smiles. Abraham thinks a moment, smile back and reaches for his hand. A huge flicker of lights sparks or something when they touch; Abraham’s eyes grow wide.]

JESUS
Merry Christmas . . . Dude!

ABRAHAM
(with a wink)
Happy Birthday, JC

!

[Music “Put Your Hand In The Hand” and then BLACK OUT.]

[SCENE TWO: A quiet reverend place.]

Light comes up and a young woman, JEAN, walks in. She is very serious, all in black. She looks up at the large cross, kneels (facing the audience), and bows her head in prayer.

From the wings, Jesus approaches the praying woman, from behind.]

JESUS
My child . . .

[Jean’s eyes open wide, she is not happy to be disturbed. She does not look behind her.]

JEAN
(sternly)
SHHHH! You are in the house of our Lord

.

[She gazes up lovingly, awe-struck, and goes back to silent prayers. Jesus looks around, taking in the architecture and making mental notes of its grandeur.]

JESUS
No, this is definitely not my home.

JEAN
(irritated)
I said the HOUSE of OUR LORD; not you

.

[This time she looks back at him and he walks downstage to her right.]

JESUS
That would be me . . . yes

.

[Jean goes back to her prayers with a roll of her eyes. Jesus opens his arms in grandeur, as in the holy gesture of encompassing the world, looking up. Jean sees him in his odd gesture and goes to him.]

JEAN
(getting up)
Look, mister, the homeless shelter is next door. You’ve come in the wrong doorway

.

[Jesus pulls a small notebook from his pocket, turns a couple of pages and looks at his notes.]

JESUS
You’re Jean, right? You were baptized at St. Michael’s in Phoenix, Arizona on your first birthday

?

[Jean eyes him suspiciously.]

Your parents are Jonathan and Linda. When you were 8-years-old your mother “got tired of being on her knees”; left the Catholic Church and became a Congregationalist.

Late last year, you went to a church retreat and now consider yourself “saved” by me . . .er, I mean, Jesus. Have I got it right, then

?

[For a moment she is terrified.]

JEAN
Come on, who put you up to this?
(beat)
I know, you’re from Manhattan Theatre Source, right?!
My friend just did a playground production of Godspell over there!

JESUS
I preferred Jesus Christ Superstar as far as accuracy . . . and musical theatre. And I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself . . . well, superstar

.

[Jean keeps a wide berth from Jesus. She goes back to her knees and prays . . . harder.]

JEAN
Lord, please protect me from this lunatic!

JESUS
Who’s the lunatic? You called me, lady!

JEAN
(she sings)
Ave Maria . . .

JESUS
(looking up)
Sorry, I didn’t think of that

!

[Jesus gives a thumbs up to . . . heaven and winks. Jean prays furiously. He walks to her and places a hand on her shoulder. The lights flicker! Jean doesn’t move. Jesus checks his hands to make sure his “power” is working. He places a hand on her shoulder again. Once again, the lights flicker.]

JESUS
(winging it)
I am the light of the world . . .

JEAN
(cautiously)
Is there someone I can phone for you

?

[Jane begins backing away from him, seeking an escape.]

JESUS
Nah, have my cell right here!

JEAN
(accusing)
See! That proves it! You are NOT Jesus...
(beat)
Okay, listen . . . let’s say I believe you. If you are the second coming.
(Jesus is hopeful)
It’s a very big if—don’t get too excited.
Why do you look so typical? Where are the robes, sandals?

JESUS
(a bit miffed)
Look lady, its 2011! How would it look if I showed up in robes! Everyone would think I was a priest or something. Don’t need that!

JEAN
Why did you seek me out?

JESUS
You seemed most in need.

JEAN
Yes, I’m a good Christian woman
(proud)
I pray to yo . . . our Lord, every day, you know.
And accept the Lord Jesus Christ as our only savior.

JESUS
I’m Jewish . . .
(beat)
I was the first person to speak about creating your own reality…openly.

JEAN
I have a question. Is drinking hard liquor is a sin, as my mother keeps saying?

JESUS
Jesus! Oh wait, I shouldn’t take my own name . . .Of course, Mom . . . er, well, Mary did when she got angry.
Do you think Matthew, Mark and Luke got it down perfectly

?

[Jean looks down. Jean walks over and sits beside him.]

JESUS
I was going to return later.
When everyone learns how the guys changed the stories . . .

JEAN
Stories? What stories?

JESUS
. . . in the Bible. You know, like the story about Judas?

JEAN
Yes! He betrayed you.

JESUS
Sort of. We -- me and the guys, and my girlfriend, Mary M

.

[Jean is shocked.]

Yes, we were dating!
(beat)
We all were having a very good time, right? Judas, he could drink anyone under the table. This night was different.

JEAN
How so?

JESUS
Judas had one too many . . . and when we all wanted to call it a night, he was not ready to quit. So, he stole Simon Peter’s boat to find someone else to party with.
(beat)
After that, it’s a blur. There was talk about walking on water, turning water into wine and twenty pieces of silver: Judas was one of the first Republicans.

JEAN
No one would believe it!
(beat)
How do I know you are truly HIM?

JESUS
That seems to be the issue. Then again, everyone forgets about what Source . . .er, God, said.

JEAN
The righteous remember.
(beat)
You saved us all who accept you: from Satan and sin!

JESUS
(sarcastically)
Except for the Jews . . . Buddhists. . . Atheists. . .Taoists…Muslims? I can go on . . .

JEAN
Yet, in the end. . . if they accept you? They will be saved, too.

JESUS
You people are interesting! Source . . .
(beat)
God said UNCONDITIONAL LOVE: That means there are NO CONDITIONS! None

.

[Jean backs away, now and runs to the exit!]

JEAN
I’m calling 911

!

[Jesus stands up and rolls his eyes. A cell phone rings, to the tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus”; Jesus pulls out a cell phone and puts it to his ear.]

JESUS
Hello Blessed Mother . . . Dearest . . .I do call! . . . Where’s the Angel of Death? . . . Vacation?! . . . Where? . . .Heavenly? . .Love you, too

…

[Stage left is CHRISTINE, 30s, on her cell phone. She’s sexy,