Plays 2: Weird Time Blues Shuffle by Colin Peterson, George O'Sullivan (world of reading TXT) 📖

I just like to go bonkers now and again! (They laugh, but Bohl is tired of Tosst’s poor jokes. ) Sorry-

 

Bohl (violently.) Don’t do anymore, or I’ll go…AAAAARGH! No more madness! Stop it all! This is-

 

Tosst I’ve done all those! No-one likes an impostor, doctor. Some dullard chancer, with only word games to offer. The names changed, but the package is the same. Just like a society really. Well, this one in particular. You were saying that the norms were getting in?

 

Bohl Yes, that’s right. We’ve been isolated here for almost ten years. Stotto island is a haven for mad people, a recognised institution with international acclaim.

 

Tosst We get the odd mention in the local rag, but we’ll get more soon, Bohl! Maybe even a digital channel. Spruce up our webpage, sell ourselves more ion the socials. Digi-whoring. 

 

Bohl I don’t follow, I don't understand.

 

Tosst. Well, you know you need this stuff called money?

 

Bohl YEAH!

 

Tosst You know we have none?

 

Bohl Yeah?

 

Tosst Don’t panic; I haven’t sold Stotto Island. I’ve expanded it instead. Equity release. And I’m offering a cure: people who want to get out of society are invited to come and live here - and pretend to be mad. Don’t worry - they’re usually rich bods, who want to live in the comfort of a capitalist paternalism. See, I’m a daddy! 

 

Bohl But I thought I was the daddy round here, sugar?

 

Tosst Not anymore, tassle-tits. The board agreed with me. They called the move insane but, after my baby-buns routine, I guaranteed real prawn sarnies at the next meeting so they were easily pleased. They only mentioned ethics once.

 

Bohl I take it that was the second time?

 

Tosst WHAT WAS?

 

Bohl Ethics? (To himself, slapping himself.) Oh, shit! It’s the third time now! You know: ethics? 

 

Tosst (covering Bohl’s mouth.) Don’t mention it! Hush it all up. The spies are out, kiddo. We have to check them fully before they come to this haven, but once they're in that’s it!  I think it’s quite a good idea; I’m impressed, mainly with myself. As everyone thinks society - and human nature is mad anyway - they should all come here. At least they take care of themselves and each other. We’re getting a good spirit here, eh?

 

Bohl Not more vodka!? I can’t; my liver will need another one, though. It's addictive with that Colombian tincture you've procured. I’ve already gone through a few (Burps.) Keeps me awake though, makes me see into the future.

 

Tosst. Go easy on that hallucinogenic stuff - it’s for the fakes. We always need more drugs; the full heinous gamut. This is a full scale operation!

 

Bohl. I don’t know about this! Turning a mental home in a well-drugged holiday haven! Are we making our money back?  

 

Tosst. Oh, it’s not that bad. Society’s just shit, and don’t think ‘Hi-Di-Hi’. (Trying to fuck Bohl’s leg.) More like: Heidi-ho, ho, ho! (Beat.) No, not Lapland. That’s been whored. No, Doc, this idea is more liberal; we - well, I - have the power to get homeless people off the streets and get them to do the tests the fakes don’t want to! That way homeless people get a home and the fakes get a long time of luxurious pursuits! At a price, of course, which means they have to be rich already! But this could be an alternative to the tax haven. I think we have a strong pitch. The government should start paying us for curing the problem of poverty - we’re killing it off! We all know everyone hates work, so I solved the poverty problem. See, we can start refurbishing as soon as Mr. Carrion’s cheque clears. Look at that! (Hands Bohl a cheque. Bohl is stunned.) Impressed, huh?

 

Bohl. I am now - I think this is the best cure you’ve ever had! And it will cure us all forever!

 

Tosst. That’s what I was thinking! But I suppose you think it’s about the money. It’s not. It’s about the fact that I wanted to create my own world - in my head - but they said no. So, hopefully, these suckers will create it for me.

 

Bohl. (confused.)  Yeah. Right.  Let’s keep it simple, and just laugh about the gain of money?  

 

They laugh like mad scientists.

 

Scene 4: Canteen. It is all made of paper, so it is very flimsy. Another inmate - pisses in the corner, then vomits, then excretes. They then proceed to put it all on a plate, leaving it on a table. They exit as Flore enters. She picks up the plate - and a knife and fork - and starts to eat. Bohl enters.

 

Bohl Hello, love.

 

Flore Hello. Did you want some pasta?

 

Bohl Wasn’t that last night? It’s quite strong; can smell it from the theatre!

 

Flore Yeah, I think they’ve re-heated it. But they’ve added more garlic and some of those seedy cloves. They must think they are all naked cooks. Mind you, Fanny would be proud. Want to try?

 

Bohl No, I’ll pass. I think I have the runs; there is something going around!

 

Flore I’ve already had that. Did you like the Doctor’s new cure?

 

Bohl Very much. I suggested that we start it in Africa as well, we might just solve everything. For good.

 

Flore It is illegal at the moment. If we get found out to be abusing our patients - the sane ones, that is -then we’re for it. Oh, and the insane ones are unimportant, like homeless people. They’ll be going to Brussels. I don’t know how, but they all end up there somehow. 

 

Bohl I have to go soon. Is there any tea?

 

Flore Yes, but it’s not PG.

 

Bohl Why did you feel the need to say that? Why certify the tea?

 

Flore I just thought you liked-

 

Bohl Sssh! Is that your little trait of insanity! Clever, very good. (Looks around the canteen.) You’re pretending you’re in an advert. Yeah? Everything’s rosy in the garden, eh pet? You’re just sooo perfect! You think life is just one happy experience solved by a good cuppa? You just want to plug things. Brainwash me, huh?  I think I love you, I really do. No, that doesn’t sound exciting. Good trait, by the way. As a psycho. I mean…well, you know, I’m an expert aren't I? Who is a real psycho these days? I mean an expert on -

 

Flore I wasn’t plugging a thing -

 

Bohl Here I can be the chimp! (As a chimp) Oohh-ah-ooh-ahh OOHPGOOHAAAHOOHPG! Ah-AHHAHAHA!

 

Flore Come on: don’t be a tit. Not on a first date. I don’t want to commit myself here. I work here, don’t I?

 

Bohl Yes, I’m sorry. This mad thing is so much fun! I never thought just applying theories could be so much fun! They’re pointless fun, which distracts from the boredom of real life. 

 

Flore  You don’t just apply them, do you?

 

Bohl Yes. That’s all we do. Profound really. Regurgitating other people’s ideas, passing them off as your own. Then we might kill a few people, in practice. A few always die.  IT WASN’T FORTY-THREE MILLION, IT WAS ONLY THIRTY-NINE! But that’s a minor thing.

 

Flore I like that song. I really do - that’s so sweet. You remembered my favourite song.

 

Bohl Will you stop doing that plug: ‘Oh -I’m-so-cool-I-eat-Doritos-thing’. It’s not. Anyway, the cameras are off. You know security around here is secure due to it being lax.

 

Flore I’m not playing  games with you  - I assure you!

 

Bohl Speaking of plugs, I need to find some tramps. Just a couple of bag ladies, or an old timer, on his last legs from the bad winter. Struggling to live on the scraps of Whopper meals left for him. 

 

Flore Don’t hurt them!

 

Bohl The best that can happen is a quick death, but the good thing is they’re going to another dimension.  I better go. See you soon.

 

Flore I don’t know: Maybe you should persuade Tosst to open the cure up to people with no money. Then he could get people working for him. Like slaves.

 

Bohl. Yeah that’s called slavery.

 

Flore. No, co-operation.

 

Bohl. Yeah, slavery!

 

Bohl slaps Flore, who looks shocked. Bohl then scowls at her, then exits. Flore, looking tearful, falls forward onto her plate.

 

Scene 5. Laboratory. Tosst is cooking something up; it’s broccoli. Tosst is making his dinner. Carrion enters, with a frazzled Goba.

 

Carrion. Look what I found Tosst! A real life mad person! Look at them! They won’t die - he has no idea what I’m talking about! He could be dead!

 

Goba. Where’s my wife?

 

Carrion. (laughing.) Wife! Hah! He thinks he has a wife! Ooh, Tosst, is that broccoli! You’ve really excelled yourself this time. Have you wrote a paper yet?

 

Tosst. I’m trying to cook it just the way you like it. You’re so fussy! I need lemon juice. 

 

Goba. I never got this star treatment? What’s so special about him? You’re a rich kid, aren’t yah?

 

Tosst Don’t worry about him; he’s a nutbar! Yeah, he’s been in here since birth.

 

Goba I decided to come back in for the free meals and the shelter.  And the drugs. I couldn’t have hacked it out there - in the other world! I would have had to turn to crime or - even worse! - go back into education. No-one would have accepted me! They would’ve laughed at me!(In a posh accent.) ‘Oh, look at the working-class boy who thinks he’s educated; ooh he thinks he is clever, but he isn’t!’  He can’t be, as he is off the streets. See: my circumstances are against me! Always and forever!   

 

Carrion (trying to be intellectual.) This is a problem! I think he’s trying to lose himself in a stereotype. Or an S-twelve, L- seven. An S.S.R.I case. As Et al and Et al say - I think it was in the famous eighty-seven study! He feels safer if people pre-judge him on his outward appearance and, of course, his demeanor of street life. He has no hope, except for more money. He is dangerous - DANGEROUS!- as he’ll do anything for money!

 

Tosst (eating the broccoli.) I agree with all that! (Sneezes.) Bull shit. It’s good. I’m talking about the broccoli now - keep up, Carrion -it’s just right.  You know, Carrion, you should be a doctor here?

 

Goba That’s not fair! When I was here -and I’ve been here for ages - I never would’ve got promoted from patient to doctor so quickly! Fucking ‘us and them’! I hate it!

 

Carrion Can I cut some of his brain out?

 

Tosst Does he have one?

 

Goba No, I’ve no brain! Don’t be silly! Me, and a brain? Pah! Call yerselves doctors!

 

Carrion Can I just cut him up anyway?

 

Tosst Yeah, why not. Why not try out that experimental vivisection machine I have? You can go on it - remember you’re a patient, but you’re a doctor aswell! See: you’re getting the best of both worlds.

 

Goba Isn't that a Dan Ackroyd movie - I’m sure of it!

 

Carrion I thought you had no brain?

 

Goba I don’t. Daaaada-do-daduh! Ugh! Uuuuuuuuurgh!

 

Tosst Amazing, I thought you were living through the dead!

 

Carrion (aside; to Tosst.) That’s very convincing - maybe he has no brain! Can I have a floret?

 

Tosst Of course, but all in good time. (Finishing the broccoli.) This man is under delusions of madness. He thinks he’s is mad, but, alas, he is not. He is terrible! Let’s get rid of the rest of his brain, then release him outside. Well, we don’t want him in here, do we? Go on Carrion, do what you will on him - let loose and keep the receipt! You can claim back on anything in thirty days.

 

Carrion My rights are not affected if this goes a bit wrong?

 

Goba (aggressively pushing Carrion away) I won’t go! I fucking won’t! You’re going to have to fuck me up first!

 

Tosst Stay calm, security will be along soon!

 

Goba That means I could break out? Yeah?

 

Tosst Oh, look Carrion; I left the window open.

 

              Carrion is confused; he panics and bursts into tears.There is no window; it's invisible.  

 

Goba I’m outta here! Freedom! I can be…