Holiday Tales, Travel Woes and Places of Interest by Paul Curtis (librera reader .TXT) 📖

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A TOURIST

Breakfast on the waterfront
Al fresco in the morning air
Eleven-ish in the Medusa bar
An ice cream perhaps to share

Walking the beach together
Playing and having fun
Then head for Agia Marina
For lunch with Stavros at one

Find a quiet sheltered spot
And siesta under shady tree
Then cocktails at the Koala
Beginning at half past three

Tottering home to the villa
A well-earned rest required
Refreshed and showered
A quayside café is desired


Satisfied and glowing after
Greek cuisine to drink and dine
Nightcaps at the Paradise bar
Brandy or a glass or two of wine

Returning to the villa happily
For a good nights rest at last
The last thought as eyelids fall
I wonder what’s for breakfast

MARS WALK

After many years of trying
And years of deep space flying
After journeying across the stars
We finally land a man on Mars

He begins his walk at sunrise
And then he finds to his surprise
After exploring near and far
An Irish pub and a burger bar


BATSI

It was early in the
Month of June
I knew my trip
Would end to soon

In Batsi town
On Andros isle
I came to rest
And stayed a while

The northern isle
In the Cyclades
With sun and sand
And soft sea breeze

Bathed in the sun
And in the blue sea
Bathed in the beauty
Of the culture I see


I’ll miss the place
And people fare
The scent of herbs
On warm night air

The groves and vines
Of differing hues
The hills and valleys
And Aegean views

For one last look
I slowly turn
I don’t know when
But I will return

BOURNEMOUTH

Go to Bournemouth for rheumatism
Because the town is good for it
So I spent last summer there
And they were right because I got it


MILLENIUM

Two thousand years to celebrate
Let’s make our plans don’t hesitate
We’ll build it big we’ll build it grand
On Greenwich Peninsula it will stand
An attraction great for us all to flock
On a theme of time? Perhaps a clock
What in there wisdom would they decide
To build beside the river side
What would they chose to mark the day
Well they got it wrong I’m sad to say
So what did they build to mark this date?
An attraction not even second rate
A site for visitors to stand and mock
A Ferris wheel and an upturned Wok

NIGHTMARE FLIGHT

The nightmare that keeps me up at nights
Is about oxygen masks on airline flights
They don’t contain any oxygen it seems
They're only there to muffle the screams

THE LONDON EYE
The London eye
Is a giant wheel
All white and bright
And made of steel
It’s slowly turning
Round and round
Offering views of London
Above the ground
Famous landmarks and
Sights dramatic
The nations history
Panoramic
Old visitors express
Sentiment
In children’s faces
Wonderment
But all agree
It’s worth the fee
To ride the wheel
The sights to see


BOX

I have often wondered I don’t know why
When a plane has fallen from the sky
And only the black box has survived
Why have the makers have never tried
To build a plane from the same stuff
As the black box because it’s so tough

POUND STRETCHER

I remember one of the airlines had once
A promotion that never got off the ground
It was called the pound stretcher and it
Applied no matter where you were bound
I think if I recollect you could go anywhere
In the world on a stretcher for a pound


POLLIDAY

My sons on holiday right now
He’s left his home in tooting
He’s gone somewhere in Africa
Saying he was going parachuting

I was surprised when he told me
Because he suffers from vertigo
It’s not his normal kind of trip
But I admire him for having a go

He’s never mentioned an interest
Before in the sport of parachuting
I will ask him how he got on
When he’s back at home in tooting

He’s never been very adventurous
When it comes to eating either
So I was taken by surprise when
He said he’d eaten parrot burger


How did you get on with the vertigo?
I asked when he was home in tooting
What are you on about mother?
What’s that got to do with shooting

WHERE EAGLES DARE

Eagles may soar free and proud
Soaring high among the cloud
And they may look down to view
On more humble creatures who
Can’t soar high among the cloud
And cannot soar free and proud
But these creatures I should begin
Never get sucked into a jet engine

CLOSE SHAVE
Why is it when?
Two planes almost hit
It’s called a near miss?
That doesn’t fit
It should actually
Be called a near hit?


INN TROUBLE

A mate of mine and his new wife
Stayed in a hotel in the town of Fife
Just for one night with time to kill
And he got a two hundred pound Bill
"Two hundred pounds? for what?"
My mate said, “That seems to be a lot”
“That’s for your room and board sir”
Answered the odious hotel manager
My friend said, "Room and board?
We didn't even eat here." He roared
The manager said, "Well it was here
If you missed it, that’s bad luck I fear"
I’m not paying the Bill” My friend said
"You can take a hundred quid instead”
“I'm deducting a hundred as a fine
For sleeping with this wife of mine"
"I never touched a hair on her head"
"She was there though,” My mate said

THE PLANE TRUTH

I would like to un-invent the aeroplane
It has shrunken the world too much
You can fly to Sydney the same day
But so can so and so or such and such

Package tours take you far and wide
Everywhere you go you just despair
From Niagara Falls to Chinas great wall
Ryan and Kylie have beaten you there

Exclusive travelling has gone forever
Cheap package tours have ruined it
We all have to go third class together
In the classless society we now inhabit

Once we could dine with polite company
On the finest cuisine we could imagine
Now we must dine with the hoi palloi
And burgers and chips are quite routine


Once we’d dine with the Cooper-Smythes
Lunching on sandwiches of cured ham
Now we dine with a toothless Geordie
And a tattooed tart from Birmingham

Discerning travelers took ocean liners
Long sea journeys kept away the dross
And if anyone should forget their place
The offender overboard you could toss

The more difficult the journey there was
Made the getting their more worth while
The more luxurious the journey there was
Meant it was done in a little more style

Now we must crowd into third class seats
In our hundreds on these charter flights
To various destinations both near and far
On cheap package tours for fourteen nights


Once when you stepped upon the shore
A native girl placed a lei over your head
Now no welcoming committee meets you all
Just flip flop clad fat blokes there instead

I would like to un-invent the aeroplane
Now you can fly for just a few bucks
Please don’t think that I’m just a snob
But the global village idea really sucks

BRITS ABROAD

On the islands of Greece
And on the coast of Spain
In the pubs and clubs
Brawling Brits are back again
But not the young and brainless
Of that I have no doubts
But the silver haired faction
The affluent oldies or Saga louts


GO RYAN

Flying no frills airlines on the cheap
With no food served or space to sleep
Seats crammed in for them to capitalize
The seats only catering for average size
No in flight film or any entertainment
Very cheap but hardly money well spent
Air conditioning switched off to save cash
At best you’re like animals at worst trash
Poor service and your fed Recycled air
And no room in your uncomfortable chair
You must fight your way to have a pee
And you disembark with cramp or DVT
Well done to all of the inverted snobs
Who envied those with cash or better jobs
You have lowered the standards for us all
Bargain airlines now fly long and short haul


VERSATILE MUSIC MAN

My dad is a versatile music man
If anyone can play it then he can
He’s been seen playing the cello
In a hotel lounge in Portabello
Playing inprov jazz on tenor sax
For beer money on a street in Halifax
Even making a tune on a synthesizer
While drinking Irn bru and tizer
He’s very often been known to jam
In a seedy club in Amsterdam
Bash a tune out on the old Joanna
Down by the beach in copacabana
And strumming on guitar or banjo
For the business men of Tokyo
He’ll get a note out of a flugel horn
On the icy slopes of the Matterhorn
He’ll play anything from harmonica
To the clarinet euphonium or tuba
Double base trumpet or trombone
Triangle glockenspiel or xylophone
But my dad the versatile music man
Will never play the piano accordion

WALK ABROAD
I’ve been to places far and wide
And had to put my prejudice aside
I’ve done many things to survive
To keep my body and soul alive
I once played a game of snooker
In a place called Banyaluca
I fought a Sumo wrestler and won
In the land of the rising sun
I dated a girl who was very loud
In the land of the long white cloud
I played table tennis or ping-pong
In the territories of Hong Kong
Suffered the Welsh and there grumbles
While holidaying in the mumbles
And got a case of Delhi belly
While on a short visit to Tripoli
But no matter where I have gone
I've always been rained upon

THIS ENGLAND

Of all the places I have been
Britain is the best I’ve seen
It’s the simple little pleasures
That any visitor then treasures
Like having a lovely cup of tea
In a place called Battersea
Or eating Poppadoms and Chutney
In a restaurant down in Putney
Dining on a plate of stroganoff
With a couple name of Romanoff
Or playing frames of billiards
With a group of Irish guards
Eating duck pate on Melba toast
While relaxing on the Devon coast
On one night we even smoked pot
With some soldiers in Aldershot
But whether you intend eating Spam
In the midlands city of Birmingham
Or enjoying bags of soggy chips
While visiting in the Mendips
Be sure to take a coat with you
As you’ll have a rainy day or two


A VOYAGE ROUND MY FATHER (1)

My dad told me
“Susan’s going to America
To the largest state in the union”
I replied to him “Alaska?”
He thought for a moment then said
“No its alright I’ll ask her”