Abyss by Lucio Razi (best android ereader .txt) 📖

Dissipate

Dissipate

 

Cut. Cut. Cut. Slice.

Scissors, maybe knives.

What if I slit my wrist

And out comes mist?

I'll evaporate home, float away

Never have to live another day

In this hollow shell, in this pain

I dream of my escape

Make it stop, make it end

It hurts too much to spend

More time in this torment; as I choke

I wish to be the one who bleeds smoke

Fantasize

Fantasy 

 

Learn to wield a knife.

Learn to tolerate the pain.

After will come relief flowing through you as your blood flows out and down your pale, fragile arms

And the thoughts stop for a moment

And you feel okay

You feel stronger than you’ve ever been

Because you’re so used to being weak and pathetic

Now you can handle anything and it feels great

Cutting your wrists open is nothing. It relieves so much tension and pain and silences the torment so you don’t even care.

Even better, now you don’t have to bother anyone. Because you can handle it.

You want more blood. Run down your arms, your legs, everywhere.

The knife slips, you start to get careless.

You start to think, “Goodbye.”

You didn’t mean to die but maybe that’s alright too. It will all be over soon.

It isn’t over.

You awake, sheets stained red and dry blood sticking to your skin.

You can’t decide whether to be disappointed or relieved.

All you want is the pain to stop.

And you’re alone.

Now no one wants to help anymore.

So you have no choice. Nothing is going to make the pressure stop

Nothing except the rush you get from slicing lines down your skin.

If only for a moment, at least it’s something.

You live for your dripping blood, making the sound of rain on your bathroom floor.

Suicidal Ramblings [Unfinished]

 

It's not beautiful, it's not poetic

I'm ugly and pathetic

Some nights I want to choke out all my breath

Sometimes it scares me half to death

 

And at times I don't care at all

Watching myself like a movie as I fall

Deeper into thoughts of leaving

Or bleeding to keep them all from grieving

 

I don't know why they'll miss me

But my feelings bend and twist me

I'm caught in this bad habit I've found

I'm screaming as I hit the ground

Stuck

 I may as well be dead.

When I think about it, no, I don't want to leave my friends, but I want this feeling to stop. The pain feels neverending, no matter what I do.

I have vividly imagined slitting my wrists and bleeding out onto the floor. I've contemplated hanging myself with a belt, and I don't know why. I try to stay away from imagining.

I want to feel better, to forget my pain and loneliness but it consumes me. I'm lost and I think maybe it will never get better.

All I can do is ignore it, because I just can't solve this feeling of wrongness that remains even as I have better days, even when I'm laughing.

The negativity bothers my friends and I can't make it stop. I ruin everything.

I'm sorry.

Prayer

Dear God, what do You think

Of the monsters in my head?

Are You calling me while I'm on the brink?

Do I just mute Your voice when I want to be dead?

 

Dear God, what do You feel

About my collection of suicide letters

About how I don't think I can heal

And my loss of hope in something better?

 

I plead, give me hope to hold on

My own mind is killing me, but I want to trust in You

I pray so hard for the strength but You feel long gone

Please don't let me let go of what is true

 

Dear God, am I sinful in Your sight

As I take this shard of glass to the body You created?

I know You understand some days it's so hard to see the light

Will You help me want to help myself? Alone I won't escape it

 

Dear God, why do You let me wander?

I don't trust what I'll do when I'm lost

Does distance make the heart grow fonder?

Oh, but is it worth the cost?

 

I pray, give me strength to hold on

I'm consumed in what's killing me; help me trust in You

I pray so hard for the strength but I feel long gone

Please don't let me let go of what is true

No Choice

Breathe...1, 2, 3. Breathe.

I don't know anything anymore. I'm actually alone now.

Just keep breathing, right? Just keep breathing even through the bad feelings, even if you can't solve them, just

keep breathing because you just freaking have to

All I really want to do is sleep foreverEnd the pain

No one wants me anymore.

But I can't. I can't do that. Just breathe. Inhale, exhale, automatic like some sort of machine. Just keep breathing without any reason, any point, any way to feel better.

Breathe, breathe until the end, because I don't get to make the choice of when my story ends.

I am not the one who gets to choose when to stop breathing.

I will, when it becomes time. But that won't be right now.

There's more to do, more to see, and even if the pain is unbearable now I just HAVE to keep going, even when

I'm hopeless and dying is the only way out. Even though I can't get better. There is no choice here.

I have no idea when it will end. But there is no decision to be made here.

Breathe...1, 2, 3. Breathe.

Barrier

Barrier (Break Through)

 

I’m inside a glass box

Watching everyone, frustration growing

As I shake the box, as I call for help

I’m trapped, all alone, and no one can break the glass

Let me out, let me out

Before I suffocate

In this space, in my thoughts

What will it take to get outside

(Or to bring someone in?)

Giving Up

Giving Up

 

Alone? Alone.

Don't lie to me.

You're not here for me,

You can't be

When all you see is someone grabbing for attention

So with this thought I say goodbye

I'll stop talking altogether

Never bother you again

Thanks for believing me, deceiving me

Goodbye, goodbye.

Life spent suffocating in a little box

Life spent suffocating in a little box

 

Say goodbye

Goodnight

The world is dark

Choking me

With my negative mind

Can't find my breath

Where are my lungs?

Where am I?

Faceless, nameless

Invisible and locked far