Violets Are Blue by Alex Joseph (heaven official's blessing novel english TXT) 📖

to stay strong.

Too long. Now my heart is heavy.

My shoulders are aching. My back is breaking.

I can't hold on to the world any longer.

As much as I want to…...I can't.

I can't be superwoman anymore.

I have been kicked, stabbed, punched, cursed….

They are trying to get me to give up….and I can't.

Well I don't want to.

But sometimes it’s the only choice.

Unless I can get stronger.

But I don't think I can get any stronger when I want to just give up. People take

advantage of me. Thinking that she will be able to hold it all.

When I can't.

But I don't tell them that. Because I want to appear confident and stronger.

When I'm really not.

All I am is a front.

Inside I am weak, pathetic, sadistic, depressed, piece of crap.

But I tell everyone I can do it.

I can hold the world.

When I really can't.

My hand starts slipping and I know I'm going to drop it.

But I tell everyone I got it and I don't need their help.

And all I do is cry because that’s all i can do because I can't do anything else.

I can't disappoint the others.

I can't disappoint my mom...even though she doesnt care.

I can't disappoint my family...they expect too much.

And I don't tell them that I'm slipping because they’ll just yell at me to pick it back up.

So I don't want to seem weak.

All I do is say I got it and I'm okay.

While really…..

I'm falling apart inside.

I know I'm going to completely break soon.

But I pretend.

Might as well be my name.

Pretend.

Unless I get any stronger anytime soon. I'm going to let the whole world down.

But I keep saying I'm okay.; I keep pushing people away….

Knowing that I need their help.

But I continue to choose to be pretend.

And It breaks me even more inside.

And a new crack in my foundation is surely going to cause me to fall.

But I don't want to fall. Maybe I should ask for help.

But no. I got this.

Right.

No you don't.

But you pretend.

You are being a fake and a phony.

You are weak.

You know you are going to fall soon but that doesnt matter. As long as you appear strong you’ll be okay right?

You choose image over succeeding??

Well. That just shows what kind of person you are. 

A fake. 

Maybe.....If you learn to be stronger. 

Then you wouldnt be. 

So get there.

Becoming who I am Not

 

I am going to tell you a story.

The other day, I was told that I had to wash the dishes. Again.

I hate washing dishes. Like utterly hate washing dishes. I hate cleaning period.

This was the fourth time that day that I was told I needed to clean the dishes because we had company coming over so my grandmother had made a big dinner.

And she turned around and laughed at me because I had told her that she needs to stop cooking so much. She told me that I shouldn’t be really complaining because it's just something we do as kids. It's just a basic chore that most american kids do. She was excited to do them as a kid, she enjoyed helping her mother.

And then she told me that my frustration right now is most likely what my brother felt every night when he had to do the dishes while I was at work.

I didn't respond.

But In my head I begin to think….

Well I am sorry that I am not my brother. I feel sorry that he has to do that….

But he is not me.

I am not him.

My life is so much more different than his that it shouldn't even be compared.

Well than Grandmother. I am sorry.

I am sorry that I am a senior in High school that has to pay senior fees and pay graduating fines.

I am sorry that I am a senior in high school working a full time job, working every day on the weekdays not getting home until 11 at night.

I am sorry that I have to stay up until 2-3 in the morning every night because I did not get to finish my homework at work because I have so much to do. Not just new, but also the old.

I am sorry that I only get about an hour of sleep every night because not only do I have the homework to do, I also have nightmares. Nightmares about my best friends killing himself. Vividly seeing him hanging from his shower rod by his neck. Watching him lifeless. Because society thought he should be different than he was.

Nightmares about my closest friend, who had to lose his life to save other people. And he was just a boy. His mother not even close to gray, had to watch her heroic son, get buried 6 feet under. Nightmares about my own mother leaving her children with a psychopathic father who was paranoid about every little thing and was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Because he told her that it was inappropriate to wear a see through shirt. I am not having the nightmares about her leaving me, but that she left four other children in the hands of a psychopath, one of them being not even the age of one yet.

Nightmares about My so called father who not only was crazy, but also raped me just about every night. And Having me so terrified that I had to hold my baby brother as a protection, hoping that he wouldn't come and get me. I never believed in monsters….

But he was definitely one.

And when he wasn't doing that, he left the house, with me being the oldest at the age of 10, and he would go and do drugs. Out with the potheads that lived on the other side of the highway.

I am sorry that I don't trust men anymore because of what my father did to me. Believing that every man would end up harming me just as much. I couldn't stand it that time, i am not going to make myself go through that again.

I am sorry that I am so big, That I am so chubby. That I am stressed out about what I eat and how many steps I take a day now because I have friends and family telling me that I should lose some weight.

I am sorry I have this little voice forming in my head that goes by the name of Ana, that constantly tells me not to eat because that will make me even fatter. That no one likes a fat girl. That if I eat that slice of pizza instead drink that cup of water, that I am a fat piece of crap.

I am sorry that I have developed the fear of eating in public now because I am afraid that people judge me when I eat. Thinking look how fat she is. Look how much she can eat. She is a beast.

I am sorry that I can't keep up in school cause I am constantly working and I am constantly hurting. My back, my knees, my feet are always hurting. I am constantly in pain and tired at work. The I go home and want to go to sleep, but wait I can't, I have homework for Spanish to do. I have notecards and an outline due for My research class due.

I am sorry that I am in two English classes and that I have the pressure of writing not only one but two 10 page essays that are due within the next couple weeks and I haven't even started yet. Cause I am always tired.

I am sorry that I am in so many musical things cause music is my escape from everything. I am sorry that I not only have a choir class, I also have the church choir, and the kids choir upstairs that I take your place in because I know how much You love to sing downstairs. That I also have my own singing ministry that I have been wanting to do for a very long time because I love to sing but I can't always do cause..I am upstairs with the kids. Helping you.

I am sorry that I am stressed out because not only is graduation coming up, but so is prom, the masquerade, college. And I want to work for these things because I don't want you to pay for these things. You know why, cause I know how stressed out you are about finances. And I don't want you to pay for school stuff because I am definitely worth the four years paying for. I haven't worked for that.

I am sorry that I decided to form an acapella group that I felt could be good and used as a distraction for me because I needed one, but yet our performances are really close and yet we don't even have the first song memorized.

I am sorry that I can not be as happy and as joyful as everyone else in the house becasue I never can find a reason to smile anymore. When I all i do is think. I overthink. I live in my head. And my head…..is a dark place.

I am sorry that I am depressed and I have social anxiety. I am sorry that I am deemed cra yto you when I say this stuff. I am sorry that I have these thoughts about just ending it all right then and there without saying goodbye cause who would care. No one. I am sorry that I just want to sleep and lay around while I am at home but you don't understand that I am Completely and utterly exhausted. No not tired. Exhausted. I wish I was in a coma sometimes, that point of life where you aren't living but then again you aren't dead. I am sorry that I have this eating disorder. I am sorry that I starve myself and then I just binge. I am sorry that I want to be skinnier and that's all that goes through my head on a daily. Starve. Just Starve. You will be beautiful. I am sorry I can not make you as proud as my brother has always made you.

I am sorry that I am who I am.

I am sorry I cannot be who you want me to be.

I know you always say be yourself, but it seems as if being myself isn't cutting it. Society wants me to be different just like they wanted Lucas to be different.

I don't know what gray is. I never knew what gray was.

I either go days without eating or I eat everything in sight.

I either sleep for days, or can't sleep at all.

All you people want me to do is fake like I am okay when I am not. You want me to put on this masl and be fake, but then you turn around and tell me you hate fake people.

You want me to pretend that I am not hurting inside but then again you turn around and tell me to let it all out.

What do you want from me?!

I cannot keep going back and forth, it's killing me inside.

Can you not see? Are you that