Looking Through My Eyes by Kayla Stiles (english readers TXT) 📖

No Name 3

No Name 3

 

Her feet pound across the hot pavement

As she races, trying to escape their jeers.

They laugh as their words follow her,

Tripping her, kicking her, destroying her.

Those words that cause such heartache,

Such a depthless feeling of loneliness.

They tear her apart, tear by pitiful tear.

They laugh as the tears pour down her face,

Mingling with the blood of a tattered heart.

 

A voice cries out in the night.

But nobody hears her, nobody cares.

It’s as though her only purpose in life

Is to be the victim forever.

To watch as her precious world

Crumbles and turns to ashes.

Depression coats her life.

It coats her words, her eyes, her thoughts.

They call her a pathetic poser

When all she’s trying to do

Is show who she really is inside.

 

They don’t understand, can’t understand.

Their eyes are clouded over with judgment.

She can never mingle with their group.

They hate her for being different.

They call her a little bitch.

They spit in her face, kick her to the ground.

She’s trapped under their glaring gaze,

In their spiked cage of darkness.

They watch her fall into the pit

Of despair, of deceit, of lonely emptiness.

They laugh like motherfucking hyenas.

No Name 8

No name 8

12/6/11

 

She crouches alone in the dark,

Shivering from the cold.

Shivering from the fear

Emanating from deep inside.

She fears that monster in the dark,

That foul creature

She knows is lurking in the

Deep black surrounding her.

She fears this monster coming out

From under the surface.

She can already feel

Her hatred for those guys growing,

Her eyes begin to blaze red,

Her teeth elongate and extend,

Becoming razor sharp.

Her back hunches over

And her nails sharpen to points.

An iron ball and chain

Is wrapped about her ankles

As she transforms into the monster, herself.

She fears the monster

Lurking in the blackness.

She fears herself.

Nothing is For Certain

Nothing is For Certain

9/8/14

 

Dark. Cold. Empty. Void.

Heartless. Desolate. Hopeless. Dead.

That is what state he put her in.

He dropped her like a piece of rotted trash,

In a way that instilled in her thoughts

The feelings that he never cared,

That he no longer wanted her, or even loved her,

In any way, shape, or form.

In a way that, to her, proved that he never truly cared.

She loved him more than anything,

Wanted nothing more than to stay with him forever.

She took his long-ago, now-broken promise

Quite seriously; the promise that, one day,

He’d put a ring on her finger

And make her his forever.

She took all his “I love yous” and kisses and caresses

As a symbolism of his true love for her.

Too bad for her, though.

Considering he moved on to his idea girlfriend:

The only female she’d ever really loved, her ex-girlfriend.

A gamer girl, a go-getter,

Someone who wasn’t afraid to try new things.

He’d found his ideal mate,

And left her standing alone, drenched in

A mixture of the rain pouring down on her… and her own tears.

He left her to cry herself to sleep at night.

To feel so much emotional agony and turmoil inside

That the only release she could find to really work

Was to slash up her legs with a knife,

An old habit she thought she’d rid herself of.

With him out of the picture,

She’s lost almost all hope for salvation.

She’s lost the ability, the reason,

To ignore her urges to self-mutilate

And keep herself clean of creating any more scars.

He was her reason to not cut,

To not wish pain upon herself,

To not have the hard-impressed belief that she deserved to be hurt.

He was her strength, her stability, her power of will.

But now he’s gone, and there’s nothing she can do about it.

On that begrudged night-- April 30, 2014--

She felt more emotional agony in one split second

Than she’d ever felt before.

The moment she realized she’d lost him for good

Was the moment she came to no longer believe

In “Happily Ever After”.

Not Welcome

Not Welcome

8/23/13

 

You constantly scream and shout at me to do everything,

Yet you never yell at William.

You threaten to kick me out of the house,

A house where I have not felt at home in years.

A house where I feel like the outsider,

The outcast, an intruder.

I constantly feel like I’m the intruder in that house.

I don’t feel welcome. Don’t feel at home.

I feel like you no longer really care about me.

Like I no longer really belong in that house.

I feel like I’m an outsider looking in.

My family doesn’t feel like MY family anymore.

William is the only thing holding me back now from leaving.

I don’t want to leave him alone with your foul attitude.

I don’t want to leave him alone in that house,

Where he won’t have me there to help when he needs the help.

I’m tired of pretending like everything is ok.

I’m tired of putting on a fake smile every day

Just to appease your spirit and make it seem

Like there’s nothing truly wrong.

Make it seem like there isn’t a war going on inside my head.

I’m tired of hiding what I really feel.

Yet, every time I’ve tried talking to you about how I feel in that house,

You always get overly upset and instantly say that I should move out then.

I’m tired of the fights and the anger.

I just want to be happy in my life.

I want you to be happy that I’m happy and doing well.

I want to be able to do all the things you want me to do.

But I’m petrified of driving, no one will hire me, and I can’t be the perfect daughter

For you.

I can’t be that perfect prissy daughter who does everything perfectly.

It’s not who I am. And I refuse to pretend to be someone I’m not

Just to appease you.

I want you to be able to see me as I really am,

And love me for that.

But you just can’t, can you?

You can’t accept me for who I am because who I am isn’t who you want me to be.

I’m not perfect. I don’t get perfect grades.

I don’t have a job because no one will even give me a second glance.

I’m not a clean freak like you.

Sorry that I can’t be like you. Sorry that I’m not YOU.

I don’t WANT to be you though.

I am my own person and your life isn’t the life I want to live.

I’m sorry that I can’t fit into your standards of how and who I should be.

I guess I never will fit your standards.

I guess I’ll never really be acceptable in your eyes.

I’ll always be the outcast, the black sheep,… the intruder.

No matter how hard I try, I’ll never make you proud of me.

I wish I could. That’s all I want is to make you proud of your own daughter.

But, for some reason, I always seem to fall short.

William is perfect in your eyes and can’t seem to do any wrong.

At least, that’s how you perceive him as.

I’m always the wrongdoer, the liar, the brat.

I’m always the one who isn’t wanted, the one who isn’t asked about.

You always tell me, “Actions speak louder than words.”

Well, follow your own words.

Because, frankly, your actions half the time tell me that you hate me.

That you hate how I live my life and hate who I am as a person.

Everyone always wonders why I hate on myself and call myself mean names and stuff.

Well, I think I found the answer finally.

It’s because of you. Because of how you treat me.

I feel like such an outsider in my own home,

The place where I’m supposed to feel at peace,

That it’s affected me negatively.

It’s made me feel like I don’t belong anywhere

And that I don’t deserve to be happy with anyone.

Well, that is done and over with.

I have found out the reason why I am so disgusted with myself,

And that is going to stop.

You want me out of your hair? Fine.

As soon as I can find somewhere to go,

I’ll be gone. I’ll be done with your anger and disgust in me.

I just need to find somewhere else to move to,

And then I’ll let you be to your own life.

I’m tired of being your pin cushion,

Your toy voodoo doll that you pick and stab at

Every chance you get.

I’m tired of being the one you take all your anger out on.

It’s time for someone else to take up that role.

Take out your anger on Al, or yourself for all I care.

Just quit taking it all out on me.

I’ve been strong for 14 years now.

I don’t know how much longer I can be strong and “just deal with it.”

If dad does move back here to Tucson,

And I still have nowhere to go,

I will move in with him so I’m out of your hair finally.

I know that he’ll show me what a real home truly feels like.

What it feels like to be an actual family.

I miss my father, I love him.

And that’s another thing that I quarrel with you about.

It’s been 14 years. It’s been long enough to hold hatred in your heart.

IT’S TIME TO BURY THE HATCHET.

It’s time to learn to forgive him and actually learn to MOVE ON.

I’m tired of being made the sacrificial lamb all because

You still hold a lot of hatred and anger towards him.

It’s time to move on with your life and learn to forgive.

I love my father very much.

I’m glad he’s back in my life finally.

And this time, I will not let him leave my life prematurely.

I love you mom. But you need to relax,

And stop being so harsh on me for things I can’t always control.