Life of St Teresa of Jesus by Teresa of Avila (paper ebook reader .TXT) đź“–
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2. My mother also was a woman of great goodness, and her life was
spent in great infirmities. She was singularly pure in all her
ways. Though possessing great beauty, yet was it never known
that she gave reason to suspect that she made any account
whatever of it; for, though she was only three-and-thirty years
of age when she died, her apparel was already that of a woman
advanced in years. She was very calm, and had great sense.
The sufferings she went through during her life were grievous,
her death most Christian. [1]
3. We were three sisters and nine brothers. [2] All, by the
mercy of God, resembled their parents in goodness except myself,
though I was the most cherished of my father. And, before I
began to offend God, I think he had some reason,—for I am filled
with sorrow whenever I think of the good desires with which our
Lord inspired me, and what a wretched use I made of them.
Besides, my brothers never in any way hindered me in the service
of God.
4. One of my brothers was nearly of my own age; [3] and he it was
whom I most loved, though I was very fond of them all, and they
of me. He and I used to read Lives of Saints together. When I
read of martyrdom undergone by the Saints for the love of God, it
struck me that the vision of God was very cheaply purchased; and
I had a great desire to die a martyr’s death,—not out of any
love of Him of which I was conscious, but that I might most
quickly attain to the fruition of those great joys of which I
read that they were reserved in Heaven; and I used to discuss
with my brother how we could become martyrs. We settled to go
together to the country of the Moors, [4] begging our way for the
love of God, that we might be there beheaded; [5] and our Lord, I
believe, had given us courage enough, even at so tender an age,
if we could have found the means to proceed; but our greatest
difficulty seemed to be our father and mother.
5. It astonished us greatly to find it said in what we were
reading that pain and bliss were everlasting. We happened very
often to talk about this; and we had a pleasure in repeating
frequently, “For ever, ever, ever.” Through the constant
uttering of these words, our Lord was pleased that I should
receive an abiding impression of the way of truth when I was yet
a child.
6. As soon as I saw it was impossible to go to any place where
people would put me to death for the sake of God, my brother and
I set about becoming hermits; and in an orchard belonging to the
house we contrived, as well as we could, to build hermitages, by
piling up small stones one on the other, which fell down
immediately; and so it came to pass that we found no means of
accomplishing our wish. Even now, I have a feeling of devotion
when I consider how God gave me in my early youth what I lost by
my own fault. I gave alms as I could—and I could but little.
I contrived to be alone, for the sake of saying my
prayers [6]—and they were many—especially the Rosary, to which
my mother had a great devotion, and had made us also in this like
herself. I used to delight exceedingly, when playing with other
children, in the building of monasteries, as if we were nuns; and
I think I wished to be a nun, though not so much as I did to be a
martyr or a hermit.
7. I remember that, when my mother died, [7] I was about twelve
years old—a little less. When I began to understand my loss, I
went in my affliction to an image of our Lady, [8] and with many
tears implored her to be my mother. I did this in my simplicity,
and I believe that it was of service to me; for I have by
experience found the royal Virgin help me whenever I recommended
myself to her; and at last she has brought me back to herself.
It distresses me now, when I think of, and reflect on, that which
kept me from being earnest in the good desires with which
I began.
8. O my Lord, since Thou art determined to save me—may it be the
pleasure of Thy Majesty to effect it!—and to bestow upon me so
many graces, why has it not been Thy pleasure also—not for my
advantage, but for Thy greater honour—that this habitation,
wherein Thou hast continually to dwell, should not have
contracted so much defilement? It distresses me even to say
this, O my Lord, because I know the fault is all my own, seeing
that Thou hast left nothing undone to make me, even from my
youth, wholly Thine. When I would complain of my parents, I
cannot do it; for I saw nothing in them but all good, and
carefulness for my welfare. Then, growing up, I began to
discover the natural gifts which our Lord had given me—they were
said to be many; and, when I should have given Him thanks for
them, I made use of every one of them, as I shall now explain, to
offend Him.
1. See ch. xxxvii. § 1; where the Saint says that she saw them in
a vision both in Heaven.
2. Alfonso Sanchez de Cepeda, father of the Saint, married first
Catalina del Peso y Henao, and had three children—one daughter,
Maria de Cepeda, and two sons. After the death of Catalina, he
married Beatriz Davila y Ahumada, by whom he had nine
children—seven boys and two girls. The third of these, and the
eldest of the daughters, was the Saint, Doña Teresa Sanchez
Cepeda Davila y Ahumada. In the Monastery of the Incarnation,
where she was a professed nun for twenty-eight years, she was
known as Doña Teresa; but in the year 1563, when she left her
monastery for the new foundation of St. Joseph, of the Reform of
the Carmelites, she took for the first time the name of Teresa of
Jesus (De la Fuente). The Saint was born March 28, 1515, and
baptized on the 4th of April, in the church of St. John; on which
day Mass was said for the first time in the Monastery of the
Incarnation, where the Saint made her profession. Her godfather
was Vela Nuñez, and her godmother Doña Maria del Aguila.
The Bollandists and Father Bouix say that she was baptized on the
very day of her birth. But the testimony of Doña Maria de Pinel,
a nun in the Monastery of the Incarnation, is clear: and Don
Vicente de La Fuente, quoting it, vol. i. p. 549, says that this
delay of baptism was nothing singular in those days, provided
there was no danger of death.
3. Rodrigo de Cepeda, four years older than the Saint, entered
the army, and, serving in South America, was drowned in the river
Plate, Rio de la Plata. St. Teresa always considered him a
martyr, because he died in defence of the Catholic faith (Ribera,
lib. i. ch. iii.). Before he sailed for the Indies, he made his
will, and left all his property to the Saint, his sister (Reforma
de los Descalços, vol. i. lib. i. ch. iii. § 4).
4. The Bollandists incline to believe that St. Teresa may not
have intended to quit Spain, because all the Moors were not at
that time driven out of the country. The Bull of the Saint’s
canonization, and the Lections of the Breviary, say that she left
her father’s house, ut in Africam trajiceret.
5. The two children set out on their strange journey—one of them
seven, the other eleven, years old—through the Adaja Gate; but
when they had crossed the bridge, they were met by one of their
uncles, who brought them back to their mother, who had already
sent through Avila in quest of them. Rodrigo, like Adam, excused
himself, and laid the blame on the woman (Ribera,
lib. i. ch. iii.). Francisco de Santa Maria, chronicler of the
Order, says that the uncle was Francisco Alvarez de Cepeda
(Reforma de los Descalços, lib. i. ch. v. § 4).
6. She was also marvellously touched by the story of the
Samaritan woman at the well, of whom there was a picture in her
room (Ribera, lib. i. ch. iv.). She speaks of this later on.
(See ch. xxx. § 24.)
7. The last will and testament of Doña Beatriz de Ahumada was
made November 24, 1528 and she may have died soon after.
If there be no mistake in the copy of that instrument, the Saint
must have been more than twelve years old at that time.
Don Vicente, in a note, says, with the Bollandists, that Doña
Beatriz died at the end of the year 1526, or in the beginning of
1527; but it is probable that, when he wrote that note, he had
not read the copy of the will, which he has printed in the first
volume of the Saint’s writings, p. 550.
8. Our Lady of Charity, in the church of the hospital where
the poor and pilgrims were received in Avila (Bouix).
Chapter II.
Early Impressions. Dangerous Books and Companions. The Saint Is
Placed in a Monastery.
1. What I shall now speak of was, I believe, the beginning of
great harm to me. I often think how wrong it is of parents not
to be very careful that their children should always, and in
every way, see only that which is good; for though my mother was,
as I have just said, so good herself, nevertheless I, when I came
to the use of reason, did not derive so much good from her as I
ought to have done—almost none at all; and the evil I learned
did me much harm. She was very fond of books of chivalry; but
this pastime did not hurt her so much as it hurt me, because she
never wasted her time on them; only we, her children, were left
at liberty to read them; and perhaps she did this to distract her
thoughts from her great sufferings, and occupy her children, that
they might not go astray in other ways. It annoyed my father so
much, that we had to be careful he never saw us. I contracted a
habit of reading these books; and this little fault which I
observed in my mother was the beginning of lukewarmness in my
good desires, and the occasion of my falling away in other
respects. I thought there was no harm in it when I wasted many
hours night and day in so vain an occupation, even when I kept it
a secret from my father. So completely was I mastered by this
passion, that I thought I could never be happy without a
new book.
2. I began to make much of dress, to wish to please others by my
appearance. I took pains with my hands and my hair, used
perfumes, and all vanities within my reach—and they were many,
for I was very much given to them. I had no evil intention,
because I never wished any one to offend God for me.
This fastidiousness of excessive neatness [1] lasted some years;
and so also did other practices, which I thought then were not at
all sinful; now, I see how wrong all this must have been.
3. I
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